Ted O' Mally has the Luck of the Irish... all over his nipples.

Peter Michaels works at the toy store next to that shitty Vietnamese joint on the corner of Baker Street. That bastard ripped me off for $40 when he sold me a counterfeit Peanuts orgy Betamax tape. Yes, I have a Betamax because this VHS and Laserdisc shit is going to die and Betamax will come back into style, you idiot kids, just like swing dancing and bathtub whisky.

One of the braindead yahoos that attends the North Appleton Community College. As you can plainly see, he's studying to be a genetic scientist who aims to solve all of the world's problems by adding human DNA to sheep DNA. After all, it obviously worked for his parents.

"ALL HAIL THE ONE TRUE GOD, THE MASTER OF DECEPTION AND LIES, SATAN! ALSO WE WATCH POKEMON EVERY DAY AFTER HIGH SCHOOL, WHERE WE ARE REPEATEDLY BEATEN UP FOR BEING SUCH PATHETIC PECKERS."

Haha, looks like the last guy walked away with a bad case of blue balls. Stupid East Appleton freakfarms.

"ROWWR! I PISSED IN THE CAKE BATTER, YOU SPASTIC BITCH! ROWWWR!!!"