Your Band Sucks: Live From My Mother’s Basement

Rather than just post a bunch of my best hate-mail all willy-nilly with no rhyme or reason to it, I figured I’d pay tribute to one of the most venerable hate-mail institutions in the world: my mother’s basement. Consider this a “best of” in the field of living with my mom, living in a basement, or living in my mom’s basement.

I don’t know who the first person was to win an argument on the internet by playing the “mother’s basement” card, but it must have been a beauty. Since then, it has been the unbeatable trump card of internet debate. It’s more powerful than the “you’re fat” card, the Hitler-comparison card, or even the “you’ll never touch a girl” card. The mother’s basement image evokes powerful images of isolation, immaturity and virginity like no other internet insult can.

So let’s take a little trip into the basement of our hearts and watch some of the grandmasters of the “mother’s basement” genre work their magic:

David,

What a sad, pathetic little world you must live in. Is the basement that you huddle over your keyboard in comfortable? It must be for you to be able to write such a lengthy piece of bullshit. Don't take this the wrong way, please. I am in no way insulting your opinion (well actually...). I feel very sad for you. How horrible it must be for you that you have to take a stab at others to make yourself feel important.

I don't know who the hell you are and i don't give a fuck!

Every Juggalo in the nation is gonna be looking for your ass!

And when and if we find you we're gonna be the shit out of you and believe us it's not gonna be harmless! And We're not gonna toss some fucking Fry's at you either we're gonna beat you right down of the fucking spot

And with are mugs painted up your nerver gonna pick us out of a line up bitch!

So pack your fucking bags.

Move out of your mom's basement.

And move the fuck out of the U.S.A.

Bitch boy!

...after reading your article i would like to point out a statement i once i heard "those who can't... teach." well, on top of that, i would like to state "those who can't, write stupid articles on some backward assed website about something they have no idea about" ...if these guys are so crap, surely you're good enough to start up you're own band and rule the world...

oh, you can't sing. oh, you can't play the guitar...or bass... and i suppose you think you're too smart to be bashing drums all day too...

well then, how about keeping your stupid thoughts to yourself... you're probably just some pimple faced loser, who still lives with his mum.

You piss me off. You want to express your opinions on music, fine, but to call me stupid for liking a certain style, that makes you an ignorant FUCKWAD. You get me? FUCKWAD. Now, i do have sympathy for you, seeing as you still live in your mother's basement, and she provides you with food, and your only means of female contact, but you really need to keep out of my fucking bubble. Lets see you manage a Mother Fucking electric blues solo.

Cant do it? Oh, im not surprised, seeing as you are a zero-talent neanderthal who posesses the brains of a smashed eggshell dipped in acid resin. So next time you go to insult someone directly because they like a certain genre, kick yourself in your nearly nonexistant balls and masturbate your 2 1/2 penis to some more animal.

Fucking Angrily yours,
Angered reader.

I really used to love this site before I read your idiotic column, "Your Band Sucks." Yes, this is a pissed-off Radiohead fan, and I'm wondering what YOUR favorite bands are. Bachman Turner Overdrive? Seals and Crofts? John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band? Fucking Green Day? You probably can't stand Steely Dan, either. Don't you know how little your opinion counts, you socially retarded prick? You're pissing in the wind with inane diatribes like this. You probably live with your goddamned mother and masturbate while listening to the "St. Elmo's Fire" soundtrack. "Something Awful" really fucked up when they hired your stupid ass. I won't waste my time reading the next installment...

Dear David Thorpe

I have recently read a thing about how you hate people who listnen to System of a Down, and disregard any persons opion of their music. Well sir, I think you are probably one of the man self loving, egomaniacle pieces of shit that walk this lovely planet we call earth. You of course are like millions of people who hate things because you don't understand them. Well, let me explain it to you. System of a Down is probably one of the only bands I listen to that I don't really like, but I listen to it all the same. Why? Because I know what is funny and what isn't. System of a Down is a comedy heavy metal band, and if you haven't realized that, then you obviously have no fucking sense of humor what so ever. That, unfortunatley, is the downfall of our great existance, the fact that people like you have no sence of humor.

The only thing you care about is probably your half inch long penis, your huge ass Hummer H2, and your mansion that you live in with people who do your laundry, cook your food, and bathe you. If you aren't rich, then you still have a small penis, and you probably live in your parents basement writing stupid shit on the internet so people like you can read it. Why can't people just accept diversity in music, movies, and culture all together? Why can't we all just accept the fact that we are different, and not have to post stupid ass shit on the internet expressing our views and nobody elses. Oh wait, I'm sorry, you're just a biggot. All I say to you sir is fuck you, and fuck your stupid postings. You don't have my respect, and I don't think you will have mine either, if you even read this. If you do, thank you for listening to a real person speak their mind instead of thinking only of yourself.

Jimmeh

Hey David,

I have to admit, that was some funny shit you wrote. It doesn't change the fact you're a nimrod with an ingrown pecker, but humor makes a lot of shit improve. Like the wait. You know what I mean; I know you're still waiting uselessly in your mom's basement, hoping

today will be the day your testicles finally drop, and writing that piece probably helped grease the painful minutes. Take solace in the fact you're pretty funny for a natural eunuch!

-Luis Nasser

Dear Dousche,

You sir, are clearly a man with no musical taste whatsoever. You say that Claudio Sanchez makes Geddy Lee sounds like James Hetfield? Thats is the stupidest thing I have ever heard seeing as how Claudios voice is Deeper then Geddy's. You are just some sad lonley man who is probably 30 something and lives with his mommy at home, jealous of how succesful other people are while you life wastes away slowley in your mommys basement. Life is to short to spend reading your whiny tripe. Do us all a favour and just end your life as soon as possible.

-Will

Your criticism of the new album by The Mars Volta is largest hunk of shit I've ever seen. I demand you email me back my 5 minutes it took me to read your bullshit. Seriously, I can't believe I actually read an entire article written by someone who has probably never picked up a musical instrument, just as sure as you probably still live with your parents. Who the fuck do you think you are? You're right, you should have listened to the new Mike Jones CD instead, tool.

Ok I saw your review on soad. Im not gonna but that retard thing you wanted people to put so you can read there letter I am more mature than that. You must think your really improtant talking about a band like that. They make music...maybe there music isnt your cup of tea and thats cool. But there really isnt any reason for you to wirte that review up because you dont know shit. You think you do but trust me you dont. Im gonna guess here and say your about 20-22 years old you probaly live at home with you mom living in here basement.

And if your not I will be pretty shocked. This is around the time when you will think that you know it all and I mean all. You think you know how Bush should run the place and you think you know how music should or should not sound like. Well thats what so cool about music it can sound like many thing there are no boundries. SOAD makes music a certain way and if you dont like it dont fucking listen to it. Maybe some kids really relate to the music and thats cool. I myself think there music has its moments. Just like any band really... But im more into well everything. Like as far as the beatles to necrophagist.

You probly listen to really faggoty music with no meaning. But you think your the shit cause you can write up review and call little 13-17 year kids douchebags and shit like that. Well congrats man you are really cool. I suggest you grow up stop calling little kids fags and shit like that. I know your gonna write back saying "I can do anythink I want to do cuz im sooo cool and i like calling little kids fags because it makes me feel big and cool so yeah im the shit im gonna block you know lol haha im so cool lol haha" or something along those lines.

Your Mom is not proud of you.

Sincerely,
William "The King of fuckin Hungary" Zambo

If you have any questions or comments about the furnishings and quality of life in my mother's basement, feel free to e-mail me at davidthorpe@somethingawful.com, and I'll read your letters when I get back. Actually, I might just delete them all, because you guys are mean.

– Dr. David Thorpe (@Arr)