Video Game Article - 04/08/06

Oblivion Topless Mod - An Alternative To Staring At Those Hideous Faces

Though the game has only been out for a few weeks now, someone has already created a mod for Oblivion to display bare "realistic breasts" on all of the female characters. Some moral crusaders are already up in arms over the mod, but given Bethesda's decision for every breast in the game to be textured as a gaping vagina stuffed with a crucifix, you'd think this mod would have helped more than it hurt.

Lucent Sues Microsoft, Demands 360 Recall Or Attention From Someone, Anyone

Lucent technologies has filed a lawsuit claiming that the Xbox 360's MPEG2 decoder infringes on a patent filed by Lucent in 1993. Microsoft seemed nonplussed by the lawsuit, stating that Lucent's claims were groundless and that even if they were forced to recall all 1,000 Xbox 360 units produced to date it would take no more than a week.

Dungeons and Dragons Online: Stormreach

This update contains the first content update to DDO, the Dragon’s Vault Module! Can you gain access to the impenetrable Vault of Night?

- Gloves and gauntlets no longer show up on characters' heads when equipped. They now show up on torsos. We're getting close on this one, folks. Thanks for your patience and understanding.

- Laeric The Wise's Test Of Brainpower to gain access to his tower has been revised. All of his questions dealing with the female anatomy have been removed due to players having a 0% success rate.

- Added the feat "Improved Continence". Once used, adventurers will no longer wet themselves in dungeons if they haven't stopped at a camp or town in more than an hour. Feat is only available for dwarves.

- Players should no longer receive falling damage when sitting down.

- The Vault of Night is now available to explore, the dangerous "Dragon's Vault" this patch is named after in which you'll come face to face with an incredible beast. What kind of beast? It's a surprise!

- Kobolds now have 39 teeth instead of 40. We apologize to all the players who wrote in to complain about this inaccuracy.

- That whole AC system for armor with those + symbols and THAC0 and saving throws was overly complicated. Every weapon will always hit on every swing for 10 damage now, leaving players to dress their characters up how they want without stressing over armor values and attack ratings.

- Adjusted the pitch and yaw on the F-16.

- For added security against hackers and password stealers, players can only complete the login process once they've rolled a d20.

- The "Astronaut" class is now available. There was resistance at first, but once it was explained that they fit into D&D lore because the astronauts appeared through a wormhole, everyone was on board. Class is only available for dwarves.

- Talking to party members will no longer set them as enemies and automatically place you in combat with them. It now works as an AOE fear effect, causing them to run away from you for ten seconds.

- Removed subliminal Satanic messages urging players to murder their parents. We apologize for any trouble this might have caused.

- Upon entering combat, players will now hear the pulse-pounding hard rock stylings of "Here Comes The Boom" by P.O.D. Upon exiting combat, the song will start again.

- Due to high demand, every building in the game will now have a fully furnished basement for players to meet up and rest in.

- Each time your character casts Magic Missile, he or she will call out the ancient power word "Hadoken".

- Dungeons were too dark and depressing. To lighten things up, throw pillows have been strategically placed at particularly dreary locales.

Tomb Raider: Legend
The series finally returns to its roots with a fun game centered around exploring interesting locales, such as the fantasy world where a woman with a 4 inch waistline can move without bursting her intestines. 8/10

Far Cry: Instincts: Predator
It's like a vacation on a tropical island where everyone is actively trying to kill you instead of just wishing they could. 8/10

Rumble Roses XX
As much as some reviewers bemoan the sight of attractive digital women beating each other up while spreading their legs as much as possible, this is a pretty solid wrestling game worth playing if you're not too busy trying to convince everyone that you're not a chauvinist. 7/10

Top Spin 2
Those expecting a decent if not eye-catching tennis game with solid online play will be pleased, those expecting to see a bear flying a plane while outwitting sky pirates will be disappointed. 6/10

Kingdom Hearts II
Featuring more cameos than an entire season of the Love Boat, Kingdom Hearts II is a satisfying and long journey into Disney's Exploitable Properties Vault. 9/10

Tourist Trophy
It's like Gran Turismo, only with motorcycles, a handful of drivers on the track at the same time as you, and the worst racing game title since Bernie Hurban's Hard Nappin'. 7/10

NBA Ballers: Phenom
Go from rags to pimped out diamond-encrusted rags in the story mode, trying not to concentrate on the fact that every sports title on the market includes the same half-assed story mode instead of improving the core game in any significant way. 6/10

Harvest Moon: Magic Melody
This installment of the long-running farming sim/rpg series is by far the best available on the GameCube, but I'm surprised Nintendo would allow a game with a fruity title like "Magic Melody" to come out on their manly system. 8/10

From Russia With Love
From Electronic Arts with incompetence. 4/10

Brain Age
This interesting "brain trainer" tests your intelligence, and gives you bonus points right off the bat if no Dragonball games are detected in the GBA slot of your DS. 8/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)