S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Features That Didn't Quite Make It

Choosing not to implement local multiplayer in a game that already has system link and/or online modes increases the likelihood that friends who would have otherwise played against one another on the same system will give in and buy multiple copies of your title. It also increases the likelihood that you are a butt of mythical proportions.

Last I checked, splitting a screen into equal sections is like the second thing you learn in programming, right after getting the screen to print "HELLO WORLD" and right before you learn how to turn a computer on. I'm pretty sure that every console released this generation has room for at least four controllers too, and that numbers 2-4 aren't there in case the first one runs out of batteries.

Your assholery is even more apparent when your game features split screen modes that can only be played online or with multiple systems linked together. That right there is as ballsy as acquiring the rights to the Shadowrun license and using it to make a multi-platform team-based FPS, and only marginally smarter.

Please stop.

Yours truly,
Everyone

After years of anticipation and stupid jokes about the superfluous periods in its title, S.T.A.L.K.E.R. has finally gone gold. While early reports indicate that it's a fun rpg shooter that manages to introduce some new concepts, the final game is very different from the impossibly complex wasteland of horrors that was initially hyped six years ago. So many incredible features were promised at the outset, so which ones made it and which had to be scrapped?

Then:
The game world will consist of a fully explorable thirty square mile area surrounding Chernobyl. This desolate zone will be packed with dangerous and unsettling details to reward those brave enough to scour its entirety.
Now:
Players can mill about the fenced-in backyard of a house thirty miles away from Chernobyl. Also, there's the alien homeworld Xen.

Then:
Not only can you drive abandoned cars that you come across, but they will be incredibly realistic. You must keep an eye on your gas and oil levels, make sure the windshield wiper fluid is full, wiggle the handle if you want to roll down the passenger side window, and keep up-to-date insurance records.
Now:
You can press Shift to run.

Then:
Other Stalkers live their own lives by eating, sleeping and collecting the very artifacts that you're after. They can actually beat the game before you.
Now:
Stalkers live their own lives at predetermined spawn points by standing perfectly still and beating other games on their Nintendo DSes.

Then:
In order to function you must eat, drink water, sleep, urinate, defecate and brush your teeth. Overgrown fingernails can get caught in your gun, jamming it at inopportune times.
Now:
Floating white boxes with red crosses on them = health.

Then:
Unpredictable and deadly pockets of energy called "anomalies" lie in wait to kill you. Many are invisible, requiring you to scout them out by tossing small objects in front of you to see if they disappear.
Now:
Anomalies replaced with icy spots on the ground that make you slide a few inches further than you intended to walk.

Then:
It will take anywhere from 40 to 100 hours to beat the game, depending on whether you rush through as quickly as possible or explore every nook and cranny of the Zone.
Now:
The game still lasts 40 hours, or 2 if you decide to skip the cutscenes for some reason.

Then:
Day and night come in cycles, and as the weather changes you will experience everything from gale force winds to hail.
Now:
Honestly, people only really like cloudless skies and a sun that stays in one happy little spot all the time.

Then:
You can modify every weapon you come across extensively. Scopes and silencers are just the beginning, soon you'll strike fear into the hearts of your enemies with your combination MP5/lawn chair/collectible Elvis plate.
Now:
You can modify your gun to make it much lighter by removing the ammo.

Game: Breath Of Fire 2
Submitted by: Salt Block Party

Bullet Witch
They should have taken the master copy of this and tossed it into the sea, just to make sure it was the real thing. 4/10

Def Jam: Icon
If I want to kick Sean Paul in the face repeatedly (and I do), the delay between each kick shouldn't be longer than the gap between Beastie Boys releases. 7/10

Major League Baseball 2K7
Like real baseball, only without the months of Barry Bonds coverage and with three additional bases on each field. 8/10

Samurai Warriors 2 Empires
Now I get it, they're trying to make a Dynasty/Samurai Warriors game for every faceless enemy drone we've chopped through. 5/10

MotorStorm
The greatest big rig vs. ATV racing action in a video game since JFK Reloaded. 8/10

Formula One Champions Edition
A serviceable racing game that will probably do pretty well since it won't have any compet... oh. 7/10

War Rock
Experience the joy of paying a subscription fee to play a Battlefield knock-off where you can get killed by people who paid additional real world money to buy weapons that are far better than yours. 3/10

The Sims 2 Seasons
PC hardware has finally reached the point where it can duplicate the fishing and farming found in Animal Crossing, and only Maxis dares to break through the creative barrier and bring them to us. 6/10

Galactic Civilizations II: Dark Avatar
I was going to say that this is a stellar game, but lame puns are alien to me and planet spaceship warp drive Star Trek reference. 9/10

War Front: Turning Point
In an alternate history, the developers dedicated as much time to making a fun game as they spent daydreaming about an alternate history WW2 setting. 6/10

Secrets Of The Ark: A Broken Sword Game
If you're in the market for an adventure game full of close-up shots that go so overboard you're practically inside every character's face, you'll love this. 7/10

Romance Of The Three Kingdoms XI
Mark my words, this series will drag on longer than the Three Kingdoms period of ancient Chinese history that it takes place in. 6/10

Chulip
I've kissed more people in this game than I have in my entire life, which frustrates me enough to knock a point off the score. 7/10

Arena Football: Road To Glory
My map must be upside down, I thought arena football was the road from the NFL to obscurity. 6/10

Chili Con Carnage
An incredibly fun shooting frenzy that doesn't take itself seriously; basically the anti-50 Cent: Bulletproof. 8/10

300: March To Glory
Tonight we play an average TIIIEEE-IN! 6/10

M.A.C.H. Modified Air Combat Heroes
Sure it's disappointing that there's only five tracks, but it's even more disappointing that I'm piloting a freaking jet and I can't just fly a few thousand feet above the entire course to avoid all the obstacles. 6/10

Marvel Trading Card Game
A pretty decent translation of the Marvel trading card game, but with such an artsy abstract title people might not know what they're getting into. 7/10

Izuna: Legend Of The Unemployed Ninja
If the unforgiving dungeon crawling doesn't get your blood pumping then the overt anime lesbianism will, you disgusting jerk. 8/10

Wario: Master Of Disguise
Great, now Wario is the new Mario. 5/10

Meteos: Disney Magic
Great, now Meteos is the new DDR. 6/10

Back To Stone
Sisyphus was condemned to spend all of eternity pushing a giant stone up a hill for betraying Zeus, but I'm not exactly sure who we betrayed to deserve this. 3/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)