Patch Notes: The PUBG Girl Parts Update

More than 23 million copies sold. Endless praise from the gaming press. A cottage industry of dedicated streamers with terrible personalities who say "spicy" a lot. After months of silence, we're extremely proud to show you what we have been doing with all of this money and goodwill.

• Female player models updated to feature prominent, highly detailed vaginas

• Male player models updated to feature prominent, highly detailed vaginas in each armpit

• All gun sights and scopes changed to Fleshlights - zoom in to get a good look at the mysterious sex organ

• Fired all development staff, replaced every position with a fourteen year old boy

• Changed all graffiti in the game to "Lady Parts (Tee-Hee!)"

• Fog algorithm updated to generate enormous realistic underboobs

• Gun sounds replaced with a single audio file of that guy from the Micro Machines commercials saying "vagina" real fast

• Parachute crates changed to very large human ovums

• Doubled the amount of time between each shrinking of the barrier. Now players can sit in bathtubs doing absolutely nothing even longer, allowing them to spend more time listening to podcasts about how PUBG might be the best game of the year. Also the bathtubs now look like big hairy cooters.

• Fixed an issue that prevented players from seeing other players' crotches in the pre-match cargo plane ride

• Changed the name of the game to "Playerunknown's Slaughter Station"

• All tunnel entrances now feature moisture shaders and produce an erotic moan when players enter

• Crafting added to the game! Now players can collect Scrap (by looting it or disassembling items in their inventory) in order to craft an Anatomy Book

• We are pleased to announce Playerunknown's Battlegrounds' third map: An oversized, fully functional Bride of Pinbot pinball table being played by the Dead Island bikini torso statue

• Every vehicle in the game now has a vanity license plate featuring a different euphemism for female body parts

In Completely Unrelated News

I have no idea why publishers rarely respond to my emails. It's like they don't think this is a legitimate outlet for video game coverage. Weird! I'm going to have to look into this.

In Actually Unrelated News

Although I still have zero experience playing Warhammer on a tabletop, it's safe to assume that this guy is the single most powerful unit:

Why? He's clearly just pointing at an enemy while saying "Do you believe this guy?" with a casual laugh. Devastating.

The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim Switch
It's amazing that such an enormous experience can be played on the go, but no mods means no Clean Faces. 7/10

Xenoblade Chronicles 2
Fifty hours of RPG, two lines of combat dialog per party member, NO ESCAPE FROM THIS HELL. 6/10

Doom VFR
Oh, now I get what VFR stands for - VDoom2016 FWasAmazingAndThis RCheapensItRetroactively. 3/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)