Patch Notes: New Console Edition, System Reviews Are The Worst

Patch Notes: New Console Edition

If you buy a PlayStation 4 or an Xbox One, your first moments with the system will involve the download of a substantial day one patch. Install it. Insert your first game, then wait for that title's own day one patch to download. Followed by an update a few days later.

What exactly are you getting in exchange for these minor conveniences? Let's find out.

PlayStation 4 System Update

• Enabled the use of controllers.
• Fixed an issue where users were actually able to make sense of the Activity Feed, which led to them wanting to look at it from time to time.
• New standby mode functionality: When the system detects that a user has finished Assassin's Creed 4 and Need For Speed Rivals, it automatically puts itself to sleep until the next worthwhile game comes out in spring of 2014.
• Made room in the main interface for more blue and additional swirly things.

Xbox One System Update

• Added support for HDTVs (up to 513p, upscaled to 720p).
• Automatically banned all users, just in case they bought the system early without our permission.
• Added a notice that user activity will probably not be reported to the NSA or our advertising partners, unless something changes which we won't tell you about unless we absolutely have to. Subjects are required to demonstrate that they understand by holding up a valid license or Social Security card in front of the Kinect and reciting an ad from one of our advertising partners.
• Upon booting, the console was emitting strange whispers begging for help. These have been silenced.

Knack

• Eased off on all the particle effects. Holy cow, that was a lot of particles. What were we thinking?
• Made the game more difficult. All hits that Knack takes are now one-hit kills. Additionally, every time an enemy misses it counts as a one-hit kill.
• Some users reported experiencing a sense of unease when Knack grew many times his original size and grasped his head, shrieking "My pituitary gland!" We have addressed this issue, making the volume of that particular line of dialog so loud that the individual words can no longer be distinguished.
• That unlicensed photograph of Michael Jordan has been removed from the title screen and replaced with an unlicensed scan of The Beatles' Abbey Road cover.

Dead Rising 3

• Optimized the hell out of this game. It now runs at a steady 15 frames per second when you face a wall and position the camera in just such a way as to clip through the main character so he no longer has to be rendered.
• People seemed to dislike the color balance for some reason. We listened, and made it way more muted and drab.
• Fixed an error in the weapon crafting system that caused any two combined items to result in a useless egg. Users should now get two eggs, as was originally intended.
• Improved integration with THE MAGNIFICENT CLOUD. Now when users bring up the main menu and choose to exit the game, that command gets sent out to our magical cloud, where it is computed with a potentially infinite amount of power, then returns and tells the game to close.

Killzone: Shadow Fall

• At certain points when it becomes apparent that the game isn't very interesting, the protagonist will now whistle and make remarks about how pretty everything looks.
• Fixed an error that warped players outside of the Killzone and deposited them in the Friendzone.
• Removed ammo type "Blanks" from the game.
• Tweaked the price range of pretzels in Football Club Management mode.

Ryse: Son Of Rome

• Padded the game out with more content: Ryse now pauses to inspire his fellow troops by quoting entire speeches from the works of Ayn Rand. Users must mash the correct QTE prompts to keep each speech going at its normal rate, or it will slow by to 1/4th speed.
• Added automatic replays of every single murder that the player performs. Now they can get tired of watching the same EPIC kill moves twice as quickly!
• In great games, players can express themselves in all sorts of unforeseen ways through their input. To reflect this, when the player presses any button the camera angle now becomes even more cinematic than usual.
• Replaced all character models with that render of an old man that David Cage seemed so proud of.

System Reviews Are The Worst

The Xbox One does not display controller battery levels. Kinect will not launch games or apps unless you clearly speak their entire name, such as (no joke) "Redbox Instant by Verizon". You can't access a storage overview to see the details of everything that's installed and how much room you have left on your hard drive. There is no obvious way to manually delete games. Some games take up to two hours to install from the disc. When you connect the Xbox One to your tv service it completely takes over, making it impossible to watch anything without the system on. Language support is locked to your region. A cold boot takes more than a minute. The system is partially built around the concept of integrated tv, but it does not support digital surround sound from any HDMI source.

This system is only in the hands of the press. Video games, the things that define consoles, are just dipping their toes into the water and we have no idea how many are going to jump into which pool in the years to come. Putting a score on this shit is irresponsible at best, and at worst it reveals the gaming press's disregard for perspective and thoughtfulness in the pursuit of whatever it takes to appease and get clicks from a segment of the audience that they often hold in contempt.

NEXT GEN IS HERE. 8/10

XCOM: Enemy Within
Now there are even more enemies to fight, because watching your own squad panic and shoot one another in the face with plasma bazookas wasn't enough. 8/10

Knack
This is the game that will break a generation of children and reforge them into unholy creatures the likes of which have not been seen since the days of the NES. 6/10

Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag
I don't know how they turned things around after AC3, but let's enjoy this breath of fresh air until next year's inevitable self-serious decline. 8/10

Killzone: Shadow Fall
A shrug mates with the concept of a halfway competent sci-fi first person shooter, and there is little joy in the act. 6/10

Need For Speed: Rivals
My other rival is a car. 7/10

Super Mario 3D World
You really need to play this game so get yourself a Wii U, which is a controller for the Wii from what I understand. 8/10

The Legend Of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds
There's still something off about the art direction, but this game is surprisingly bold and not a listless rehash of A Link To The Past - which wouldn't have been terrible since that's my favorite game of all time. 9/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)