Power Gamer's Analysis Of Classic Mario Power-Ups

Big Guy Mushroom - Makes you a big guy. Being bigger makes you more of a target. Think about it. With all of the dangers that lie ahead, do you really want additional body mass to be exposed to your enemies? Don't bother with this terrible power-up. What a waste.

Egg Flower - A gross egg that has been cut in half. It has green mold in the middle and somehow it is on top of a flower. Or maybe it's supposed to be part of the flower? This thing is so nasty that it makes your man throw wobbly flameballs from his hands. This would be great if the flames didn't bounce in unpredictable ways, or if the game's boss wasn't able to survive multiple hits from the attack. Not recommended.

Starfish - From the depths of the sea comes this remarkably shitty power-up. It makes you flash. It speeds up the music and instantly kills anyone you touch. The problem is, it does not last very long. You could get into a situation where you're feeling super confident because you are invincible, and then the effect runs out and you die. Do not pick this trash up for any reason or you will be sorry.

Tree Leaf - Puts a pair of animal ears on your head. Why does this happen. The leaf also gives you the ability to glide for short distances. Please note that this is NOT unlimited flight and therefore it is NOT something you should waste your time with.

Froggy Frog - Does not do anything from what I can tell. This is very good for bozos who are bad at games.

Brown Frog - Does exactly the same thing as Tree Leaves. Why is this here???? Also why is this frog brown and why does he have long snaggle teeth like a walrus?

Bomber Man - Gives you hammers. Mario is a plumber, not a carpenter. Therefore, hammers will not be optimal. It's not rocket science, folks, this is simple theorycrafting. Now if the hammers had been plungers we might be on to something. Avoid this power-up.

Foot With A "P" On It - Allows you to fly for an unlimited amount of time while in Tree Leaf form. The problem is that you will never be in Tree Leaf form since its flight ability is temporary. This is highly situational, and thus not the sort of thing that any serious gamer would rely upon.

Windup Boot - Limits your mobility. Mobility is everything in games. If you aren't taking a beeline for the end abd conquering the game as quickly as possible you are doing it wrong. Pass.

Phoenix Down - Unlike its Final Fantasy counterpart, this does not revive you after death. If this shows up on the screen you should become very angry.

The Secret World
So weird, inventive, and full of character that you'll forget your'e in an MMO - until a story-driven quest involves running through a million dudes that want to kill you. 8/10

NCAA Football 13
This will forever be remembered as the year that they changed the "12" in the title to a "13". 6/10

Test Drive: Ferrari Racing Legends
Sadly this does not include my favorite Ferrari racing legend; Kirk, the man that outran a Ferrari while on PCP. 4/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)