Lord Of The Rings Online Beta Patch Notes

Lord Of The Rings Online: Shadows Of Angmar Beta Test

Greetings, beta testers! With the help of your continued input we have been able to locate and resolve a number of issues while introducing additional content into the game. As Lord Of The Rings Online draws nearer to release, we encourage you to keep reporting any bugs you encounter.

• Fixed a bug where players would loot a corpse and find three or more of The One Ring. Now defeated enemies will only have two One Rings at most.


• Tweaked the gravity, making some very slight adjustments that took it from 0 to 1.


• All gigantic birds have been removed from the game until we can remember whether they were in Lord Of The Rings or the Chronicles Of Narnia.


• After receiving volumes of feedback stating that the playable race of elves were "totally gay", we have tweaked them. Elves should now be "pretty gay".


• Added feet to all models. Thanks for catching that one!


• Completing quests no longer initiates 30-minute cutscenes that tease you with numerous false endings.


• Added Sam's little-known sword, which glows blue when potatoes are nearby.


• Removed the intricate artwork from all flags in the game and replaced it with a crude caricature of an alien smoking marijuana, just because.


• Walking to the left is no longer seven times faster than walking to the right.


• Interface update: Removed the placeholder interface that was a carbon copy of Street Fighter 2's UI. Haven't replaced it with anything.


• Minstrel Class: Playing music at your enemies no longer makes them laugh. Instead it elicits a slight sneer, which they cover up with their hands in an attempt to be polite.


• Guardian Class: Shields should now block incoming damage instead of amplifying it to the point that it blows your clothes off.


• Thief Class: Removed the ability for players with thief characters to take $10 a month from Turbine Entertainment and deposit it in their accounts.


• Hunter Class: Added arrows to the game. It is no longer necessary to throw your bow at the enemy, then run back to town and buy a new one for the next fight.


• Champion Class: Dual wielding weapons was sort of unfair to the other classes, so now you can wield a weapon in one hand and juggle three apples in the other.


• Captain Class: When in a party, your new power boosts everyone's attributes and confidence so much that they just strut around giving each other high-fives.


• Lore Master Class: The books you must carry in the stead of weapons are now half as likely to give you fatal papercuts.


• Removed all monster trucks from the game. They have been replaced with an alternative that makes much more sense, the hybrid midsize sedan.


• At the request of testers, added the "/myfaceisonfirehelpme" emote back to the game.


• Implemented a much-improved Amber Alert system.


• Found out who was stealing my subs from the office fridge. It was Alan.


• Changed the terminology back to "Experience Points" from the experimental "Gookilyflop Funbucks".


• Fixed the "Hurry, Hobbit, Hurry!" quest. Originally players had ten seconds to disarm a nuclear bomb. Now they have half a minute to tickle Gollum.


• Slightly revised Ringwraiths' weaknesses. They are now fire, magic, and chocolate.


• Put combat back into the game after testers complained. Make up your mind already, folks.


• Changed all text from Elvish to complete gibberish.


• Removed all jokes about hurricane Katrina at the insistence of our lawyers, regardless of how funny we all know they were.


• Added voice acting for every NPC in the game. Now you can hear "Just go read the books if you want to know what's going on" from some of the finest voice actors we could find on the street outside the studio.


• The main map now displays Middle-Earth instead of Billy's hilarious romp through his neighborhood from last week's Family Circus strip.


• Made the "Find Gandalf's Keys" quest significantly more exciting by adding a stirring orchestral tune.


• It is no longer possible to reach the maximum level as a dwarf by stroking your beard continuously for hours on end.


• Removed the "Create-Your-Own Crotch" feature, which allowed the player to take a picture of his or her face with a webcam and display it on their character's crotch. In hindsight, a horrible idea. You people are sick.

Game: Scarface: The World Is Yours
Submitted by: GUI

WarioWare: Smooth Moves
The most fun you'll have while looking like a complete idiot outside of your bedroom. 9/10

Lost Planet: Extreme Condition
Snowstorms of death and gigantic evil bug aliens; this is why I hope global warming isn't just a theory. 8/10

World Of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade
Ten new levels to power through as quickly as possible without taking the time to enjoy the journey, two new races to overpopulate servers with, one great way to keep people playing for another couple of years. 8/10

Europa Universalis III
If I had known that looking at a map could be this much fun, I wouldn't have organized all those "Down with cartography!" protests in college. 9/10

Deal Or No Deal
A fascinating meta game that you instantly lose by taking what's in the game box instead of holding out for another game. 2/10

Sam & Max Episode 2: Situation: Comedy
Sure there's only like 45 minutes of new content, but that's got to work out to at least 4 dog hours and 12 rabbit years. 7/10

Rogue Galaxy
It's like Star Wars meets Japanese rpgs, only it's not named Final Fantasy XII. 8/10

The Shield
An ugly and pointless game that misses its potential almost as much as Michael Chiklis' character missed the ethics classes during his police training. 2/10

Drive To Survive
Too many car wreck analogies to choose from... head... spinning... 1/10

Xiaolin Showdown
A fighting game that screws up everything that it attempts while it treats you as though you're the idiot. 2/10

Mini RC Rally
You can barely see your car due to its microscopic size and the camera angles that are as bad as those found in a Sci-Fi channel movie, but even if you could see what was going on the gameplay would make you want to drive directly into the nearest wall that the camera would probably clip through. 0/10

Micro Machines V4
Yet another racing game with tiny cars, but this one is only mildly unpleasant and annoying. 5/10

Hotel Dusk: Room 215
Crime noir and room service go together like trouble and dames, or peanut butter and dames. 8/10

March Of The Penguins
Surprisingly, a video game based on a documentary about penguins walking failed to be fun. 2/10

Phoenix Wright 2
I object to waiting so long to play this, and to ending an article with such a horrible pun. 8/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)