Patch Notes Roundup: Far Cry 5, Sea of Thieves, Fortnite

My game, Harm Other, is more than halfway funded! With 16 days remaining the Kickstarter project is currently at 56% thanks to word of mouth. Thank you for all the support, and if you write for a gaming publication please email me with any questions. If just one website covers the game it will make a tremendous difference.

Far Cry 5 patch 1.04

• Control is now taken away from players more often so they can spend as much time as possible enjoying terrible diatribes from villains who dramatically say absolutely nothing.
• To make up for the above, every moment that the player has control is now way more action-packed. Before, standing still for three seconds meant encountering a traffic accident, cougar attack, a plane crash, and an out of place exclamation from your companion all at once. Now every 1.5 seconds you will see two traffic accidents, two cougar attacks, and two plane crashes, and your companion will speak with two voices at once while their head slowly unwinds like a corkscrew.
• Changing skill unlocks from a simple XP system to a clunky checklist of challenges was a mistake, removing a small element of reward from the game's many encounters. We've addressed this. Now players gain skills in a much more natural way, by accidentally swapping weapons while trying to interact with something in the environment.
  
• Dramatically increased the volume of all dialog from Hurk and Hurk's father, to ensure players don't miss how WACKY these characters definitely are. While we're on the topic of bolded words, we also increased the amount of DRUGS MAN WHOA TRIPPY LIKE IN FAR CRY 4 AND FAR CRY 3 AND FAR CRY PRIMAL VERY WILD AND UNPREDICTABLE
  

Sea of Thieves patch 1.02

• Reduced the number of quest types from 3 to 2
  
• Reduced the number of meaningful non-cosmetic items from... oh, no need!
  
• Reduced the number of ship types from 2 to 1
• Reduced the variety of enemy types from skeletons, snakes, sharks, and non-functioning Kraken to [PLACEHOLDER UNTEXTURED CUBE]
• Changed game's title to Sea of Thieves Beta
  
• Changed game's title to Internal Alpha
• Changed game's title to Work In Progress
• Pitched a great idea for a pirate sandbox game. Not sure what mechanics would keep players engaged after the first few hours, but we can figure that out if the project gets approved. Fingers crossed!

Fortnite patch 3.5

• Improved the game's streaming tools, making it much easier for streamers to share racism with enormous audiences that have shit taste and bend over backwards to support untalented morons.

Far Cry 5
If you think reviewers shouldn't criticize the parts of games you personally don't care about, I've seen all four thousand of your posts about the topic, and also you're completely wrong. 5/10

Surviving Mars
Folks, with today's political climate we'd all be better off on Mars! 6/10

Ni No Kuni 2: Revenant Kingdom
Ten times better than the original, which is to say that it's nearly half as interesting as the visual style. 7/10

Kirby Star Allies
The game becomes a total cakewalk when you unlock the final ally, Cake Shoes. 7/10

A Way Out
The Seesaw-Plank Redemption (this is a terrific joke, there's a seesaw) 6/10

Bravo Team
Should have been an applause simulator, as the name implies. 5/10

Moss
The best VR game in which you control a mouse since... wait a minute, what if you are a mouse in all those first person VR games? 7/10

Sea of Thieves
Nice sky, nice water, nice opening hour that makes every following hour a devastating letdown. 4/10

Detective Pikachu
One mystery is never addressed - who the heck is this Pikachu fella? 7/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)