E3 2019 Recap-aganza! Fest!

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The guy who blew the Xbox One's launch stood in a white void and spouted some bullshit about Stadia and our wonderful future where you never own anything, pay forever, and have access to your stuff dictated by the whims of a megacorp and its not-quite-always-working servers.

Microsoft

A new trailer for Outer Worlds was shown, as if anyone with a brain needed to be convinced that the new game from the makers of Fallout: New Vegas would be good.

Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order has a terrible little pandering robot. It's almost as off-putting as the Jedi guy's face and eyes. Of course I'm going to play this.

Blair Witch is the world's first found-cartridge game. Instead of buying it you will wander into the woods and discover the game in a haunted tree, but only after paying the ultimate price: Watching Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2.

Keanu Reeves and his smoke machine appeared at the end of the Cyberpunk 2077 gameplay demo. The fact that Keanu is going to be in the game is a coincidence. He just wanders around in his free time with the smoke machine, making entrances wherever an entrance opportunity presents itself.

Microsoft has a Game Pass thing where you pay forever to never own anything. It's very exciting.

Microsoft Flight Simulator is back, baby! This time you can fly from inside the cockpit.

Microsoft bought a Tim Schafer. They slid him out onto the stage in a glass box. The audience "ooh"ed and "ahh"ed as he trembled, his eyes feral and uncomprehending.

There was a promotional trailer for the Elite Controller 2. This state of the art controller will feature adjustable hair-trigger grip tape, a fully adjustable cup holder hole, and diamond buttons. All for the low price of $599!

During the Gears of War 5 presentation a camera wandered beneath the stage to reveal three WWE wrestlers who appeared to be trapped. They didn't seem overly concerned, as this Gears nightmare basement was nowhere near as scary as the WWE.

The next Xbox is currently called Project Scarlett, and it will have an SSD. I refuse to make any jokes about this console because faster-loading and more responsive games/UI should have been the primary focus of the current generation.

Bethesda

Todd Howard gave a non-apology apology about the disaster that is Fallout 76, somehow ending by bragging about its popularity. Also, the game is getting a Battle Royale mode because parody is our reality.

Ikumi Nakamura stepped onto the stage to introduce some game and became everyone's new favorite human being. Her glasses are awesome. She worked on Okami and Bayonetta. Get rid of Todd Howard and let her run things.

Doom Eternal is to Doom (2016) as Doom (2016) was to Doom 3. It is MORE and it is COLORFUL and it is AHHH and you should want it.

Ubisoft

You can be absolutely anyone in Watch Dogs Legion. But you can't wear Aiden Pearce's Iconic Hat, so what's the point?

Ubisoft has a Uplay+ Subscription Service thing where you pay forever to never own anything. It's very exciting.

Square Enix

Final Fantasy VII Remake is finally coming! Well, the first installment, covering the Midgard section of the original game. By the time the final installment is released, the remake of this first remake installment will be three years behind schedule.

We all watched roughly fifteen minutes of people talking about Marvel Avengers and learned absolutely nothing. Well, we did learn two things: 1. Instead of a fun comic booky art style they went bland with realistic faces and 2. They don't have the rights to use actors' faces.

Nintendo

We have entered bizarro world. Microsoft and Sony are slowing down while a Nintendo console is getting too many interesting games for me to keep up with.

Luigi's Mansion 3 will feature Gooigi. He's Luigi in the form of a repulsive glob of green goo. Gooigi emits moist sounds at all times and he gets washed down a drain to live with haunted poo and pee.

They're making a Breath of the Wild sequel! This is fantastic news because... oh heck I'm thinking about Gooigi again. What the heck, Nintendo?

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)