ladies, i won't lie, i am a fat man and i am terrified of you
— Hermit Thrush (@_Hermit_Thrush_) November 5, 2013
"I'm white and somebody spelled my name wrong on a coffee cup! Can you believe it? MY name!!!" ---blogs
— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) November 5, 2013
again, for those curious, yes, john v was the assistant to the loco professors in the straight-to-VHS mexican film "los profesores locos"
— John V (@wettbutt) November 5, 2013
hello yes im interested in the novel you wrote in just one month?
— hazle weatherfield (@genericsoda) November 5, 2013
In my experience I'm a dumb moron who needs to die
— Hatercles (@Hatercles) November 5, 2013
How to resolve conflict over seeing "Ender's Game": note that you are a grownup and don't have to see every fucking movie with spaceships
— Leonard Pierce (@leonardpierce) November 4, 2013
AIGHT I CONCEDE WHITE MARCUS'S DO EXIST. BUT I AIN'T NYEVER NOT EVER MET ONE.
— TIFF THA .GIF (@literalporn) November 4, 2013
I'm on my "Cut my own bangs" glass of wine
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) November 4, 2013
"Wanna come back to my place?" *Starts digging hole*
— Nick Ross (@NickBossRoss) November 3, 2013
♫ i was working on my ass late one night ..... he kissed an ass it was a monster ass ♫
— deg (@degg) October 31, 2013
I once broke up with a girl for calling me immature. Whatever, she was a poopy face anyway. *lifts leg, rips fart*
— david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) October 31, 2013
Left my pants at my girl's house and she says they're hers now. She's wearing my 40x26 raw denim jorts.
— michael (@michaeljhudson) October 30, 2013
If you work in an industry where ppl refer to co-workers, especially those with lower hierarchical standings, as "rockstars" ur fucking scum
— Sensitive Tim (@timmeehan666) October 30, 2013
And then sadly every Parent must choose: Will my Blessed Child be good at twitter or good at Sex. lucky for me i am a robot so i'm both
— amelia (@amelialikesyou) October 30, 2013
i find it kinda funny i find it kinda sad how come no one bought the pilot to a show called Rowdy Dad
— vrunt (@vrunt) October 29, 2013
"hi im heathcliff. i live in the garbage and commit crimes and only eat bones" HOW WASNT THIS THE MOST POPULAR SHOW OF ALL TIME?
— DVS (@DVSblast) October 29, 2013
lactating again. just ruined my bazinga shirt
— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) October 29, 2013
B uckcherry E vanescence N ickelback G odsmack H inder A lien Ant Farm Z ombie, Rob I ncubus
— Dan (@dankmtl) October 28, 2013
Little known fact.....the pedals in a PT Cruiser are spaced further apart to accommodate crocs
— JA (@thatguyJA) October 28, 2013
Adam Levine. For when you kinda like bad boys, but you kinda like Proactiv spokesmen too.™
— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) October 28, 2013
Wife_Misser bumming everyone out in this web cam model chatroom. he keeps saying 'she looks like karen'
— BRANSON (@bransonbranson) October 28, 2013
*sprays axe on my pits after boning a girl* my uncle's in town and we're gonna get drunk so i'm outta here
— Celebrity (@FamousCeleb) October 28, 2013
Do you think Jon has to clean Garfield's ass? You know, cause of all the lasagna.
— Karen (Tozzi) (@karentozzi) October 28, 2013
Do you think Jon has to clean Garfield's ass? You know, cause of all the lasagna.
— Karen (Tozzi) (@karentozzi) October 28, 2013
Hi dad, we need to talk about your earring. It's badass. A little too badass, why is my girlfriend pregnant
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) October 24, 2013
Sorry to get personal here tonight, but my dog just shit on the rug and also I can't do a cartwheel.
— Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) October 24, 2013
My boss left for three hours last week and came back with a tattoo
— halloween lindsey (@Lindzeta) October 23, 2013
Cool backpack, adult human.
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) October 23, 2013
Had to explain to someone who Shaggy the singer was the other day & it was difficult to not just repeat "he changed the game forever"
— Dog Bug (@jahonkus) October 23, 2013
Another reminder that BuffNET existed but it was not an ISP made for/run by buff people. Nor is it a device to catch buffs.
— sreegs (@ahuj9) October 22, 2013
–
This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
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Let's improve landmarks
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
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About This Column
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!
