August 27, 2013

set the dial on the dashboard to 'hentai' and outside the windows everything turns into a blur of the hottest anime titties youve ever seen

— BAKÖÖN (@BAKKOOONN) August 27, 2013

Hopefully all the goopy stuff inside of me is functioning fine Have to Trust

— GraeyDave (@graeyalien) August 27, 2013

The Penguin's credit score is like 580 after prison. Can't refinance his underwater aviary

— GENERAL GANDHI (@Bro_Pair) August 26, 2013

I love that Macklemore reps Seattle so hard. Every time I try to, I get people telling me it has a high suicide rate and a lot of rain.

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) August 26, 2013

Yeah, I've got a match. My face and this stone carving of Xerxes. FELLOW APPLEBEE'S PATRONS. I COME FROM THE PAST IN NEED OF TIME WARRIORS.

— vladchoc (@vladchoc) August 26, 2013

going through my phone and deleting some numbers. only mens numbers obviously, im not retarded

— deg (@degg) August 26, 2013

Okay, fun is fun, but let's kick this show up a notch. Where the heck is KARMIN?! #VMAs

— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) August 26, 2013

Dishwalla won EVERY VMA? AGAIN???

— DVS (@DVSblast) August 26, 2013

the thing about buying a 30 pack of Tecate is you have a lot of beers that first night

— Greg (@weedguy420boner) August 25, 2013

maybe its the four jack and cokes but im starting to open ip to the possibility that maybe i Love Freaking Having Fun and Hanging Out

— ben ''Dusty'' errrrr (@MuscularSon) August 25, 2013

Uh if anybody is in town my improv group the Laugh Daddys are appearing at Honk Honk's at midnite as part of the chunckle functory hour

— mike c (@DinkMagic) August 25, 2013

How is Chicago honoring Dr. King's memory today? Well, the Loop is being shut down so Transformers 4 can be filmed on the street

— GENERAL GANDHI (@Bro_Pair) August 24, 2013

There will come a day when telling single moms I'm in Eiffel 65 will no longer get me to second base.

— Spencer Coates (@spencercoates) August 24, 2013

u know whats cooler than 10000 followers? making love to a woman and not on line like some shit nerd baby

— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) August 24, 2013

i use my full name as my twitter handle cos i want prospective employers to know how many times my sims shit in their microwave

— julia davidovich (@juliadavidovich) August 24, 2013

It's hard not to bring up the fact I'm vegan whenever people talk about food or a new restaurant or that their mom just died or

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) August 22, 2013

Football coming soon! Don't miss the If You Are Born Into Poverty In USA U Will Probably Stay There Bowl!!! On ABC!

— eddie pepitone (@eddiepepitone) August 22, 2013

and if there's one trend that refuses to die regardless of season it is butts #butts

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) August 22, 2013

If Manning being transgender bothers you more than a video of innocent Iraqis being gleefully mowed down, seek help for your disorder.

— Matt Bors (@MattBors) August 22, 2013

cmon man, down heres where i run my XMBC to torrent all the Becker epi's i want........away from Wifey's prying eyes........

— ben ''Dusty'' errrrr (@MuscularSon) August 22, 2013

Cereal Killer Chexecuted

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) August 21, 2013

auugh breaker breaker here folks This is Toilet Pig comin in hot on HWY2 and im using an old A&W bag as a sunvisor in my shitty big rig Over

— jon aka 't-bone' (@Ennui_Raver) August 20, 2013

I don't mean to play devil's advocate here, but maybe you really should worship Satan, the prince of all darkness.

— Josh (@Livestock) August 19, 2013

Pro tip: if you have depression try distracting yourself with stupid pointless shit for the rest of your life

— The Prez (@Perfect_Beanis) August 19, 2013

I hope you're aware this cover letter is just the lyrics to Basket Case.

— Zoë Klar (@madamezooble) August 19, 2013

I woke up to a love letter that was just the lyrics to "Stan" by Eminem

— lauren (@nasal_nurture) August 19, 2013

my friend's dad posted a status about him going on his first date with his new wife 10 years ago today. his parent's divorced 5 yrs ago.

— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) August 19, 2013

Public petition to stop any and all Marilyn Monroe quotes from everything and anything.

— amber (@soleilalaplage) August 19, 2013

I'll mass text breaking bad spoilers to everyone in my phone if someone DMs me the dish

— dummy (@elzw) August 19, 2013

My brother just texted me "I just had to pick mom up from the airport. You said you wouldn't forget!" LOL. what a loser.

— Jennifer L. (@TheFearBoners) August 18, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)