August 13, 2013

hey axl rose quick question man did u know that at the end of "sweet child o mine" u sound like a cartoon cat with its tail stuck in a door

— adam (@four_eels) August 13, 2013

"I need to get to Los Angeles quickly," said some living nightmare demon monster.

— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) August 12, 2013

Yo fuck websites that don't go back when you hit the back button unless you click a bunch of times really fast. Fuck ur shit for brains site

— The Prez (@Perfect_Beanis) August 12, 2013

Hey there boys, how's it go- *coughs a whole lot of blood*

— emily faye (@emilyfaye2) August 12, 2013

Take any compliment I give you with the grain of salt that I watched and enjoyed every episode of Reba.

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) August 12, 2013

Primal Gamer Howl voted Not Epic by Penny Arcade -- The Games Community Reels -- New Gamer Despots Claim Gamer Howls 'Virgin'

— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) August 12, 2013

Lemme get some food with extra gluten & peanuts please since I'm not a useless piece of shit

— The_FinnSA (@The_FinnSA) August 12, 2013

That's so cool that your kids don't play video games! It must be so freeing to have no discernible identity of your own to find time for.

— Jeply Surly (@JennyPentland) August 11, 2013

Here’s a cool way to get a group discount: enter the establishment together on ATVs with aluminum bats and swinging big metal chains.

— dark triad tweeter (@bIoach) August 10, 2013

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons "speech impediment" was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) August 1, 2013

Saw a dog that was wearing a water resistant jacket with a hood and 4 red booties. I just want to be taken care of

— Kathy Salerno (@Kpartyawesome) August 1, 2013

just a reminder that the only thing that really changes when you get married is that you talk about poop way more than you used to

— glasses cat extreme (@meowshley) August 1, 2013

my pecker is dirty and small and people turn their nose up at it and i am just making a raunchy pose and loving it - branson

— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) August 1, 2013

So, we really let that "Uno, Dos, Tres, Catorce" shit that Bono pulled in 2004 fly?

— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) August 1, 2013

Hahahaha someone graffitied the single word "LAD" on a boulder in the middle of nowhere, Tennessee. DEFINITE Banksy

— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) August 1, 2013

oh god what did i do last night *scrolls through YouTube history and its all clips of adam sandler as Opera Man*

— nate 'vrunt' lamagna (@vrunt) August 1, 2013

*fashions a big whip out of like 25 carabiners* i'm going to go cause a big ruckus at city hall

— stefan (@boring_as_heck) August 1, 2013

they broke the mold when they made you, babe. they were like, "god, that is horrible. let's try a different mold"

— BronzeHammer (@BronzeHammer) August 1, 2013

tomorrow I'm going to write a letter to many esteemed scientific journals and it's going to say "Neeeeeerd!"

— heathcliff marmaduke (@bapeonion) July 31, 2013

Imagine waking up on your birthday and begging Mario Batali for an RT. These people exist.

— Ferris (@FerrisSalameh) July 31, 2013

just a couple or burly dads wrestling in the hardware store parking lot come sundown

— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) August 12, 2013

just a couple or burly dads wrestling in the hardware store parking lot come sundown

— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) August 12, 2013

*stock market people stop shouting* *birds panic* *everyone stops what theyre doing and looks* *im banging two geodes together and frowning*

— mike c (@DinkMagic) August 9, 2013

"We;re only going to get one shot at this," grunts Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, balling up the pathetically small amount of tp left on the rol

— Greg (@weedguy420boner) August 9, 2013

1999 was the worst year of my life for the following reasons: 1. remember when felicity cut all her hair off & looked like justin timberlake

— Hot Mini Donuts (@diaper_wolf) August 8, 2013

i hide my porn on hard drives labelled 1, 2, and 4 so when the wife finds them she will go nuts wondering where the other filthy porno went

— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) August 7, 2013

What to ask when buying a car: •Sorry I thought cars were something else •Do you want the rest of this Dad's Root Beer? •How was the Dad's?

— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) August 7, 2013

Imagine all the ink and bandwidth that will be used in the next few months on what the Chicago Bears Need To Do This Season

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) August 4, 2013

If you can't handle me at my peeing in the front yard and wiping with a leaf, you don't deserve me at my blowin your dick like its my job ok

— Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) August 4, 2013

when i pack for a business trip i put my dildo inside my pocket pussey to free up some room in the luggage for my anime books, and my swords

— rad milk (@rad_milk) August 3, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)