July 16, 2013

Sext: Cancel your plans. I have the original Stepford Wives, a kerchief like Katherine Ross's, and I'm making spaghetti

— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) July 16, 2013

If you've got a lady comin over make sure you leave condoms all over your house so she knows you'll put out

— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) July 15, 2013

I just want to shit in the grass and everyone be cool about it for once.

— Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) July 15, 2013

*hangs a bunch of salami above the tub* Look up, it's a meatier shower

— MattyTalks (@mattytalks) July 14, 2013

I'm not going to pass judgement on the Zimmerman verdict until there's a "Celebs Tweet About Zimmerman Verdict" article on CNN.

— stefan (@boring_as_heck) July 13, 2013

I wish all those dickheads that bullied me in high school could see how much Internet ass I get now.

— Mr Hand (@SniffMyPickle) July 13, 2013

i saw a guy stroking off while he was driving on the highway once. pre-rebuttals: 1. i was not looking at a mirror. 2. i was not in the car

— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) July 13, 2013

Something about Field of Dreams originally being named Ghosts Playing Cornfield Baseball...

— david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) July 13, 2013

sure i treat my body like a temple- a t e m p l e o f d o o m

— rap game glenna (@glenna_opt) July 12, 2013

Who is this crazy asshole in Rapper's Delight who's so hellbent on making people eat his mom's shitty food?!

— $pencer (@13spencer) July 12, 2013

Noah also had another son, Enos the Pervert, whose actions explain why wild animals have feared or tried to eat us ever since.

— woodmuffin (@woodmuffin) July 11, 2013

the fucker friend who fed me a cauliflower crust pizza can taste my fucking blade

— ben errrrrrrrrrrrrrr (@MuscularSon) July 11, 2013

my favorite google search: "Serpico hair FAQ"

— priscilla (@BBW_BFF) July 11, 2013

if your name is Dan and you're over about 19 and still answering to "Dan the Man" can I interview you for my gawker article

— tinybaby (@tinybaby) July 11, 2013

"What kind of beer do you have?" "Bud, Heineken and Blue Moon." "Oh, are we on an airplane?"

— Michele Catalano (@inthefade) July 10, 2013

Oh yeah? Well would a pussy dad do THIS? *lovingly folds son's Umbros and wonders where the time has gone* Pussy Dad, coming to ABC

— Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) July 10, 2013

The Mystery Of ChexMixing

— DVS (@DVSblast) July 9, 2013

falcon heene farting on larry king has been broadcasted into space and it will keep going forever

— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) July 9, 2013

gotta stop looking at vines of tiny penis guys jacking off before my gf wakes up and looks over my shoulder

— Michael Hale (@dogboner) July 9, 2013

I hear George Clooney is single again. Maybe he should check out that OkCupid website. A lot of people seem to have luck with it.

— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) July 8, 2013

favorite social network bio of the day: #dj and #future #optometrist

— Sara (@napgenius) July 8, 2013

Alone in bed in the dark, laughing because the guy on your sleep hypnosis tapes has a lisp is a rough time to find out you're going to hell.

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) July 8, 2013

WHOAAA MY TWITTER IS BLOWIN UP TONIGHT!!! *takes frozen dinner out of the microwave and cuts a slit in the cellophane above the corn*

— tom (@kilobees) July 8, 2013

very soothing to fall asleep while gazing into the elaborate funhouse mirror setup surrounding the bed, flexing at my muscular illusions

— nt (@genderentropy) July 7, 2013

i suppport LGBT... and GBLT ((photo montage of me sinking my teeth into a Good BLT)) #DaringJokes #HeWentThere

— wint (@dril) July 7, 2013

if you see bright green flash illuminate the sky this evening it means my spell to give all cops bowlcuts has worked. red means im in jail

— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) July 6, 2013

to imagine me eating pussy imagine a pig going wild on a watermelon

— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) July 6, 2013

what side are cyclopses' tear ducts on and other things my wife didn't want to talk about at dinner

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 6, 2013

You take the average woman and the average man and you put them together in a room, I would love to be a fly on the wall for that one, boy!

— Colin Quinn (@iamcolinquinn) July 5, 2013

i just found an old carrot with a bunch of hairs coming out of it in the bottom of the crisper drawer. jackpot

— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) July 5, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)