July 2, 2013

Lifehack: if you put together the grids of every 2013 NY Times crossword puzzle, you get the QR code for Will Shortz's secret hentai website

- Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) July 2, 2013

today I made a new friend. It's a pizza

- elle (@elleoreid) July 1, 2013

*slams empty 40oz of Activia down on the counter* BARTENDER

- Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) July 1, 2013

"dont be afraid to let your body die" - debbie harry at the end of videodrome/me to my neighbors fat shithead son thru a hole in the fence

- BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) July 1, 2013

It's cool how you can say shit like "dubstep isnt real music" on twitter and then *poof* you have something to do for a while

- #(52,)3( (@Cryptoterra) June 30, 2013

i can tell how beautiful a man`s soul is by putting both of my hands on the hood of his car and thrashing my neck around to awaken god

- wint (@dril) June 30, 2013

watching the episode of blue planet about deep sea creatures and I just keep saying 'get the fuck out of here' @ every new weird ass fish

- Dillinger Four Loko (@pete_c_) June 29, 2013

went to the doctors for a physical and he looked at me and said "way too much pizza" and wrote me a prescription for a c-cup bra

- ben errrrrrrrrrrrrrr (@MuscularSon) June 29, 2013

Just met a guy named Harley who didn't think his name or the motorcycle revving noises I made were nearly as hilarious as I did.

- Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) June 28, 2013

i got some CHOICEY cusses primed up for when shit doesnt go down how i like it at the buffalo wild wings tonight

- dumpster meat (@grifteezy) June 28, 2013

i'm done sweating but will again in the future, if i think about sports or see a titty

- BRASNON (@bransonbranson) June 28, 2013

EMILY JUST CALLED A GUY NAMED RICHARD LORD AND HE GOES BY "DICK LORD." THIS IS NOT A DRILL, NOT A DREAM, NOT A WHAT-IF STORY

- Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) June 28, 2013

�ãã< ´e �� < �|��� 6 e����< � * _ *) ����� 5 5 excuse me haters??? - David Thorpe (@Arr) June 28, 2013

Don't sweat on Tom Petty's stuff.

- Daniel Valle Duarte (@OhDuarte) June 27, 2013

I'm in one of those towns where "this is an iPhone 5" is a decent pick-up line.

- Alex Baze (@bazecraze) June 26, 2013

im going to put my crocs on now and go outside, since i actually have a life. [puts on crocs and stands on the deck looking in at computer]

- Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) June 25, 2013

I mean, all those hot babes in the Playboy mansion are sometimes taking huge shits in there and farting.

- Spirit Ghost (@haha_what) June 25, 2013

I can't believe it's been four years since a total stranger walked up to me at my job and said, "Hey, Michael Jackson died."

- Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) June 25, 2013

Today is so hot that it's not returning my text messages.

- Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) June 25, 2013

*spends eight hours working up the courage to buy the bic lighter with the ass on it*

- hi guys (@spaceship_earth) June 25, 2013

Lesson 1: I How to tell if I want to talk to you on facebook chat. Answer: I do not want to talk to you on Facebook chat.

- emily faye (@emilyfaye2) June 25, 2013

pretty sick of having the best calves anywhere anytime

- Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) June 24, 2013

Hey everybody ! No biggie, I'm just a husky drunk dad at a restaurant bar by myself typing on my phone like I'm texting someone

- mike c (@DinkMagic) June 25, 2013

i like pokemon because i like to dig around in trash cans and go into houses with no invite and loiter a lot

- dummy (@elzw) June 24, 2013

*googles "hot guy drinking wine"* *switches back to okcupid photo upload tab*

- bobo (@thrillbo) June 23, 2013

“Um.” - 1st horse that got ridden

- Rory Patrick (@RorynotRoy) June 23, 2013

me and my boys gathering around a boulder during the supermoon. we r going to beat the shit out of it. this is the only night it's possible

- World Class Lover (@bIoach) June 23, 2013

< DOGS <

- Marlo Meekins (@MarloMeekins) June 22, 2013

I'll ask for a plastic cup for water at a fast food place and I'll put Sprite in that shit I don't even care.

- david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) June 21, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)