June 18, 2013

i can hear the guy in the apartment next door watchin jurasic park and farting

— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) June 18, 2013

When you have social anxiety, every conversation feels like a terrifying game of volleyball.

— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) June 17, 2013

service this sad dad

— Craigslist Personals (@craigslistlove) June 17, 2013

just groaned the melody of iris by goo goo dolls into my best friend's voicemail. i did not hum it i groaned it. the whole thing

— Mandy Slamberg (@MandySlamberg) June 16, 2013

my grandma just read aloud a sign that said "Call Hustleman"

— Stay Gold Pony (@realtraphorse) June 14, 2013

Life is so hard and we struggle but the god gives you a white guy with his dreadlocks caught in a car door as a reward.

— Katie Notopoulos (@katienotopoulos) June 14, 2013

Only 29 more years until the 1992 nickelodeon time capsule dig! Joey Lawrence put a hat that says "woah" in it!!!

— Marlo Meekins (@MarloMeekins) June 14, 2013

My favorite comedian? Louie. Anderson, that is! He's a big guy, with opinions to match

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) June 14, 2013

How can you love someone when you don't respect their webseries

— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) June 14, 2013

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

— Kelkulus (@kelkulus) June 13, 2013

*gets punched in the face by a villain* is that all you got *gets stabbed by the same villain* okay cool it guy

— Rory Patrick (@RorynotRoy) June 13, 2013

Why the fuck couldn't Steve on Blues Clues just take the salt bottle to college with him

— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) June 13, 2013

check your server privileges, cisadmin

— Eva Giselle (@EvaGiselle) June 13, 2013

Do I have what it takes? (two hours to make rice pudding before bed)

— some of my beast (@someofmybest) June 12, 2013

So in Monsters University - do they fuck?

— billy eichner (@billyeichner) June 12, 2013

just a reminder that the greatest listicle of all time was carried down a mountain by a guy named moses who "forwarded" it to his friends

— Michael Hale (@dogboner) June 12, 2013

I found out you had a Sam's Club membership instead of a Costco membership. #ReasonsWeStoppedTalking

— Lord BEEF (@lordbeef) June 12, 2013

*humming darude sandstorm to self* What price do we pay for are gadgets? $199.99 plus 2 year contract...with a side of Dystopia

— lehan (@leh0n) June 11, 2013

Fat bottom girls is playing so loud in this budget car rental place the people have to kind of shout into the phones

— jonmccurley (@jonmccurley123) June 11, 2013

"this was an electromagnetic pulse attack. we been hit" *i mumbled thru a latex mask over my face as the fuck machine slows down n stops*

— World Class Lover (@bIoach) June 11, 2013

Sit on your hand until it falls asleep so it feels like someone else is taking pictures of your cat.

— Jennifer (@ucancallmejenn) June 10, 2013

One of the best things about dogs is that even the smartest dog on earth does something profoundly stupid five times a day

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) June 9, 2013

I'm the Michael Jordan of emailing Michael Jordan & asking for money

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 9, 2013

i can't wait for them to bring back my favorite cancelled show and make shitty new episodes for it where all the actors look old and sweaty

— The Prez (@Perfect_Beanis) June 9, 2013

is there anything scarier than a small child running around. literally a tiny fragile thing just bumping around, not giving a fuck

— Meep (@MeepisMurder) June 9, 2013

if you find a dildo deep in the haunted forest dont use it. its mine

— rad milk (@rad_milk) June 9, 2013

last year i tried to get every child actor from the sandlot to follow me on twitter & it just ended up being me harrassing squints via email

— rob (@robwhisman) June 9, 2013

"Enjoy this montage of your failures" - my brain

— jon (@senderblock23) June 9, 2013

LMao at how your idols, spoarts players, are traded around and treated like stock animals while E-athletes CHOOSE their own destiny. Ironic.

— Haoma (@bedbugs99) June 8, 2013

Aaahahah some girls were checking me out right before I pulled a copy of pc gamer out of my gym bag

— Greg (@weedguy420boner) June 8, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)