April 9, 2013

I'm sick of poser-ass Jaredites who were never actually fat and just walk around with brand new XXXL jeans. Youre a fucking disgrace

— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) March 27, 2013

Ugly people must be living raincheck to raincheck.

— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) March 28, 2013

Post the n-word on reddit and watch other redditors scramble to defend you like the 3 stooges trying to fit through a door at the same time

— The Prez (@Perfect_Beanis) March 28, 2013

Hey, what can I say: if you've figured out a way to steal from the electric company then more power to you

— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) March 29, 2013

Found out they sell a kit to make a mold of your penis, so I guess I’ll have to make cars to go along with this future hood ornament

— Daniel Valle Duarte (@OhDuarte) March 30, 2013

Probably the hardest move in ultimate frisbee is getting a job.

— dan guterman (@danguterman) March 31, 2013

Coors now makes a beer called Third Shift in case you ever forgot that drinking away your troubles was part of the work cycle

— Greg (@weedguy420boner) April 1, 2013

u finna instagram some shit & hashtag it #fun ? you seriously tryina come in contact wit someone SEEKING OUT "pictures of fun"?

— DVS(@DVSblast) April 1, 2013

My website was down for a short time, but it's back up now. Not an April Fool's joke or cyber attack, someone in the office unplugged it.

— John Tesh (@JohnTesh) April 1, 2013

A steampunk alternate universe is actually more believable than an alternate universe in which steampunk is cool.

— stefan(@boring_as_heck) April 1, 2013

You can't look down on the guy who collects bottles and cans from your garbage, because he knows you're a drunk. #clink #clink

— Chris Spooner (@TheSpoony) April 1, 2013

Teach a man to fish like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening? Shame on me.

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) April 2, 2013

why do i have to 'cite sources' if i want to say The Rock isn't a virgin? do u truly believe The Rock is a virgin? wikip[edia joke bye

— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) April 3, 2013

scanning a corporation's QR code to "find out more!" is like fucking the homeless guy who just catcalled you

— john freiler (@johnfreiler) April 3, 2013

People always think I'm late now because of my baby but the truth is I'm really coming into my own as an asshole and bad friend.

— Paul Danke (@pauldanke) April 4, 2013

my cigar rival just posted another vid.... time to leave the kids with nana , switch it to hell mode and outsmoke thisBAStard

— wint (@dril) April 4, 2013

I wonder who's madder: gamer nerds or atheists reading tweets from people hoping Roger Ebert is in heaven. They're probably the same people.

— Jeb Lund Sese Seko (@Mobute) April 4, 2013

Someone is drawing—this second, drawing—Siskel and Ebert meeting in heaven. They have a job and are paid to commit these crimes.

— So-Called Matt Bors (@MattBors) April 4, 2013

do I LOOK like I listen to Phish, motherfucker?

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) April 5, 2013

im watching "let's play" which is when you watch a video of someone else playinga video game. why? becasue my time isn't valuable

— Hermit Thrush (@Hermit_Thrush) April 5, 2013

Like most people, I go online for one reason, and one reason only: to watch videos of fat guys losing their shit over trivial things.

— Josh (@Livestock) April 5, 2013

Things haven't been good between my wife and me. We fought these last two days. Seeking to blow a discrete and quiet dude in my living room

— Craigslist Personals (@craigslistlove) April 5, 2013

hello thanks for the follow. i live in the fucking trash. , im a witch I eat cum. i am 22 I have my GED i love the devil, i work at the mall

— Cool Niceman (@dogboner) April 5, 2013

just because your bathroom sink is full of pubes and im strutting around with a smooth muscled chest doesnt prove anything mom

— paraone (@paraone) April 6, 2013

God looks through a long telescope, peepin at me fresh out of the shower, polishing my butt like a bowling ball. I notice and blush

— Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) April 6, 2013

missed connection: you were the hottest waitress at outback steakhouse, I was the incontinent taxi driver who used your bathroom 4 times

— ＣＨＵＲＬＩＳＨ(@Cryptoterra) April 6, 2013

I think we both know the path to a successful marriage, honey: either we can destroy all the other couples, or reach Alpha Centauri.

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 6, 2013

my dick is tangled up in my wallet's chain, how will i pay for goods and services now without looking like a fool

— mike (@FARTDAUGHTER) April 6, 2013

Another day, another ill-advised juice cleanse.

— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) April 6, 2013

After-sex twitter checking is the new after-sex cigarette.

— Melissa Stetten(@MelissaStetten) April 6, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)