March 12, 2013

im the horny snow plow guy. i purposely plow snow into the driveways of hot babes so they have to come out in bikinis and redo the shoveling

— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) February 28, 2013

"63-270 million sharks are killed each year" margin of error: 207 million sharks

— tinybaby (@tinybaby) March 4, 2013

If you make pancakes for me I'm just going to yell "stacks on stacks" the whole time.

— Spirit Ghost (@haha_what) March 4, 2013

my husband is trying to slow cook me with his farts like i'm a pot roast or something

— tinyseabeast (@tinyseabeast) March 4, 2013

At my wedding during the part where people object my friends start reading all my tweets and my bride-to-be runs out of the church crying

— MattyTalks(@mattytalks) March 4, 2013

I’m officially done trying. If you want me in your life, you can comefind me. Until then, continue treating me like I don’t exist.

— Adolf Hitler (@its_AdolfHitler) March 5, 2013

does anyone remember gangam style. anyone know what im talkin about

— jerry cat aol.com (@dogboner) March 5, 2013

*calmly shakes a turd out of pants leg at a wine tasting event*

— BMcD's Millhaus (@AllNewBMcD) March 5, 2013

"Rule number 76. No excuses. Play like a champion" Vince Vaughn. Wedding Crashers.

— Kobe Bryant (@kobebryant) March 6, 2013

"I GUESS I'M NOT 'POLITICALLY CORRECT'" - uncles

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) March 6, 2013

Terrifying Alternate Timeline: GHOSTBUSTERS isn't made until 1998, stars Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Kelsey Grammer and Jennifer Aniston.

— Miah St. Cyr (@MiahSaint) March 7, 2013

Every now&then there is a Hollywood Tour Bus outside my house. But they keep saying, "this is where David Schwimmer lives".

— jason alexander (@IJasonAlexander) March 7, 2013

this movie ad on this web site just said "one of the most artful chillers" something. I pictured someone being mad good at hanging out.

— Despot (@despotroast) March 8, 2013

Who are creeps relating to these days? Is it still Neo from The Matrix?

— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) March 8, 2013

Just hope I live long enough to hear one of my grandchildren say "Star Wars? No one gives a shit about that anymore."

— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) March 8, 2013

its friday boys and you know what that means... thats right, shaving our asses after work in case a woman sees em tonight #guythings #men

— deg (@degg) March 8, 2013

If you’re at #SXSW make sure to let everyone know you’re at #SXSW otherwise what’s the point of being at #SXSW? #SXSW2013 #SXSWInteractive

— Andy Levy (@andylevy) March 9, 2013

my cat that's afraid of people who spends her days screaming about being horny in my basement is strikingly similar to a lot of ppl i follow

— Jorty Spice (@stumblebee) March 10, 2013

You can submit requests to the dj by text and my girl and I are using this to cyber bully him

— Greg (@weedguy420boner) March 10, 2013

The best part about getting ready to go out on a Saturday night is putting on a robe, a pot of tea and saying fuck that shit

— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) March 10, 2013

i have been blessed with two large sons who do not listen to me and inf act bully me daily.

— ben errrrrrrrrrrrrrr (@MuscularSon) March 10, 2013

i feel like a lot of people write Jean Claude Van Damme off because he's dumb & always does the splits

— GARBAGE (@PierreMenard) March 10, 2013

HELLO! We are a college improv group and ALL we need from YOU is external validation!

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) March 10, 2013

HOW THE FUCK DO THEY GET CARS IN THE MALL (don't @ me I don't really care).

— molly (@Molly_Kats) March 10, 2013

Just ripped a fart that sounded like my grandpa saying "huh?"

— david nuzzy nussbaum (@theNuzzy) March 11, 2013

Animal husbandry? U mean like when my husbend leaves popcorn on the sofa ;P

— lehan (@leh0n) March 11, 2013

.@redbull I boiled red bull and the fumes gave me malaria

— World Destroyer (@rappindad) March 11, 2013

im so sick of being the only man at work with big juicy tits, quit grabbin at those ya numbskulls

— diesel (@dong_party) March 11, 2013

Bearded dude with a plaid shirt sitting next to me on the plane to SXSW. Talk about "central casting," right? Haha, we all die alone.

— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) March 12, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)