January 28, 2014

go cue up absolutely any song in the history of recorded music on the touch screen jukebox I'm going get us beer with orange slices in it

— li'l timmy miracles (@timmeehan666) January 21, 2014

Rude, lude, love to be nude

— gary (@garyniceman) January 21, 2014

it's snowing and the woman in front of me at the Taco Bell drive thru ordered $46 worth of food what a time to be alive

— ellë (@elleellereid) January 21, 2014

I want my license plate to say "2PWRFUL" (too powerful)

— Steve Bottos (@steve_bo_toss) January 21, 2014

*slides up to a girl at a bar* Yeah, I'm famous… online. The smell? Oh, too busy doing irony to bathe or wash my clothes. Buy you a drink?

— TS Steinbacher (@TSSteinbacher) January 22, 2014

My neighbour the Loud Sex Man is not having loud sex tonight and is instead mournfully playing the harmonica

— 2013 4ever (@BadNewsCentral) January 22, 2014

Not even mad dude, Im laughing about this funny shit. Cause thats all it is to me. [I send you a video of me angrily laughing at the camera]

— Mike F (@animal_drums_) January 22, 2014

Local Apartment Dog Barks For 17 Years, Due to Being Spooked By Tree on Patio That Has Literally Always Been There, He Is "A Total Idiot."

— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 22, 2014

Can Highlanders get Aids? How would that work?

— Gretchen (@gentilecoont) January 22, 2014

Hi I'm The Weed Smoker Hope Uoure Having A Blazin Day And Blazin Night. Stay Blazed - Weed Smoker

— Certified Facts® (@kawaiidildog) January 23, 2014

Nothing takes me back to my shitty childhood more than the smell of Coors Light.

— desi jedeikin (@DesiJedeikin) January 23, 2014

"I'm not here to make friends — I'm here to win" -a great thing to say at a dinner party

— Sam Lansky (@samlansky) January 23, 2014

calling my penis 'my pud' is definitely in for 2014. taking a pic of a beer and saying 'this is happening' is definitely out forever

— BRANSON (@bransonbranson) January 23, 2014

"His name is Verne Troyer, and he's still alive, as far as I know."

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) January 23, 2014

Siri remind me every 23 hours that I'm the shit

— Numbr.1Favorite (@mrbillding) January 23, 2014

As my lungs fill with blood and my eyes roll back into my head, I thank god for granting me the strength to find all the gaps in Tony Hawk 3

— Boat From Above 1979 (@promissory_boat) January 23, 2014

anyone wanna go pound on some nerds?

— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) January 23, 2014

my wife accidentally put my plastic dreadlock in the dryer

— Good Smart Worker (@DinkMagic) January 24, 2014

Nobody is ever prepared for the romancing of a lifetime brought to them by my flute music.

— Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) January 24, 2014

It's Bonnie and Clyde not Donnie and Clyde

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) January 25, 2014

heres law school: "sustained" is basically "settle down beavis." "overruled" also means "settle down beavis," but to the other guy instead

— John V (@wettbutt) January 25, 2014

would love to get fat enough to where I have to cross my arms during the promo for my History Channel show

— michael (@michaeljhudson) January 25, 2014

'Rough day. Better make it a double.' - me at the cat shelter.

— moody monday (@mdob11) January 25, 2014

Somehow, you've combined the two things I hate most, learning and piss

— Duke LongFafashoonoo (@dukelongboard) January 25, 2014

While we're all here "at the club getting tipsy," also make sure to be "giving tips-y"! Remember to tip your servers, folks. Enjoy the show.

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) January 26, 2014

I am Facebook friends with people I sat next to on airplanes and people who looked at my apartment.

— Shadi Petosky (@shadipetosky) January 26, 2014

Macklemore can take that haircut, turn it sideways and stick it up his roody poo candy ass

— gary (@garyniceman) January 27, 2014

what's up all my queer homies, it's me macklemore. i may love pussy, but i support your struggle. don't forget that i love to eat pussy!!!!!

— Big Ball Pervert (@Perfect_Beanis) January 27, 2014

I am haunted by the fear that someday someone will find out that I don't give a shit about the Beatles

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) January 27, 2014

i took a large dump in a birds nest while he was out collecting more supplies for his nest (which is now full of shit)

— good cop XL (@Rad_Mouse) January 27, 2014

all the wines at this Wendys are from vineyards i never heard of like "Sprite" and are VERY good

— DVS (@DVSblast) January 27, 2014

before the big Winter Dance i tryed to use a Crest Whitestrip that expired in 2009 and i threw up all over my small penis

— Funny website man (@BevisSimpson) January 28, 2014

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)