Flames From Review of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

Next in line comes another literary masterpiece from some dumb broad who lists 13 horrible mistakes from the review. As a crazy coincidence, she ends the email with about 13 mistakes herself! Oh the irony!

From: Dana Bublitz
Subject: LoTR: Fellowship of the Ring Review

I happened to come across your review of Peter Jackson's new film "Lord of the Rings:Fellowship of the Ring." I must say I was deeply disturbed. First of all, the movie does not take place in Mordor. It takes place in a land called Middle-earth. Yes, Mordor is a location in Middle-earth, but saying the film took place in Mordor is like saying a film took place in Kentucky when in reality the film took place all across the U.S.
2) It's not Hobbit Town, it's Hobbiton in the Shire.
3) Bilbo is not evil, nor has he ever been evil
4) Orcs (it's O-R-C-S, not O-R-K-S) aren't coming for the ring. Ring Wraiths (not Bog Wraiths) are coming for the ring and there's only 9 so it's not considered an army.
5)Frodo is Bilbo's cousin, not son
6)The Ring Wraiths serve Sauron, not Saruman (M-A-N, not M-O-N)
7)Arwen's sword is not magic and she doesn't fight them off single-handedly
8)You say you've read the book, but obviously you haven't. If you had, this review would have more intelligent comments in it.
9)Gandalf confronts Saruman BEFORE the Council, not after. And Saruman is known as Saruman the WHITE (not black. BIG difference)
10)A giant eagle saves Gandalf, not a moth.. one more piece of evidence you have NOT read the book
11)The Uruk-Hai are not defeated. A small number of them are, but the majority of them are not
12)This is a trilogy. That means there are THREE (count: 1, 2, 3) films in this series. "Fellowship of the Ring" is just the first movie and it's based after book 1, so of course they aren't going to get into the return of Gandalf and the defeat of Sauron and Saruman since those parts are in book 2 "The Two Towers" and book 3 "Return of the King"
13) J.R.R. Tolkien wrote "Lord of the Rings" in the 1930s and 1940s. That's well after the turn of the century.

So, you may want to follow some basical journalistic guidelines before writing another review: research, proper spelling, intelligent comments and try to refrain from total idiocy.

Sincerley,
Dana

"Follow some basical journalistic guidelines?" Would that include making up words like "basical?" Oh, and by the way, folks: IT IS SPELLED "ORCS" NOT "ORKS!" The penalty for spelling it "Orks" is, at least, death.

Let's step back from the "1,000,000 listed factual errors" email and move into "1,000,000 paragraphs of boring crap" email. Everybody please thank "Vampire Danielle" for providing the first injection of stupidity!

From: vampiredanielle@bolt.com
Subject: TruthMedia Review: "Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring"

I must admit I have a real bone to pick with you about your review of The Fellowship Of The Ring. While I have no beef with the fact that you clearly didn't like the movie - you are of course entitled to your opinion - I do think that if you're going to flame something that badly, you ought to at least be LITERATE about it. You sound as though you've neither read the books nor paid the slightest attention to more than the first ten minutes of the film. I could be wrong about that, of course, but calling Tolkien's fantasy world "Mordor" when in actually Mordor is merely a sort of state within the country of Middle Earth does NOT strengthen your case. Neither does misspelling Hobbiton, orcs, and Balrog, which you call Hobbit Town, orks, and Barlog, respectively. Then of course there is the matter of the villain Saruman the White, to whom you refer as "the black wizard Sarumon." Is that some kind of Digimon? And you might at least want to get the colors straight. Neither, in the same vein, is Gandalf a white wizard, at least not until his return to Middle Earth halfway through the second book/film. He is Gandalf the Grey. Then too there is "that guy from The Matrix who's playing Lord Elrond the elf wizard." Firstly, his name is Hugo Weaving. Secondly, Elrond Halfelven is NOT a wizard. In Middle Earth, wizards are a separate race, called the Istari, so it would be impossible to be an Elf wizard in any case. Lord Elrond is merely, as are all Elves, a powerful healer. And of course, how could I forget the matter of the "orks" and how you are incessantly confusing them with the Ringwraiths? (Which, by the way, are NOT "Bog Wraiths." *rolls eyes*) It is the Ringwraiths who are out to retrieve the One Ring from the Hobbits, and not orcs at all; and it is a Morgul blade, wielded by a Ringwraith, which poisons Frodo at Weathertop. "Then the movie just ends. This is a huge disappointment because it doesn't end anything like how the book ends. In the book Gandalf is back from the dead and they have defeated Sarumon for the first time." I shouldn't even have to dignify this bit of blatant idiocy with a response, but since you've already clearly demonstrated what a blockhead you are I shall anyway. The Fellowship Of The Ring does NOT end with Gandalf's return and Saruman's defeat. I ought to know, I just finished re-reading it for the eighteenth time this morning. It ends with the scene at Amon Hen where Frodo has seen what will befall his beloved Shire if he should fail, and has determined to leave the Fellowship behind and continue to Mordor alone. The SECOND volume in the LOtR series, The Two Towers, ends with Gandalf's return and Saruman's defeat. The Fellowship Of The Ring film ended in an even BETTER way than the book did, as it at least showed Boromir's death and Merry's and Pippin's kidnapping, which in actuality did not occur until the beginning of The Two Towers. It gave the film a sense of finality without detracting from the edge-of-your-seat suspense which will bring in an even larger crowd for this year's release of The Two Towers movie. It was quite a brilliant move on the part of the filmmakers, and not a moronic one as you implied. So all in all, I must say that I think your review of The Fellowship Of The Rings is located exactly where it ought to be - at a place called "Something Awful."

~*~Danielle Egan~*~

LOLOLOLOL, THAT REVIEW WAS TRULY SOMETHING AWFUL, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!! I AM COMEDY IN THE FLESH! I didn't even read the rest of that email. I hope you didn't as well.

Now it's time to begin closing up this meatwad of idiocy by printing the email sent in by the people who somehow manage to be even more braindead than the previous messages. I wish there was some kind of award I could give them, preferably by inserting it directly into their throats.

From: Andy Huang
Subject: a really bad review!

you people had a really bad review on the lord of the rings........in other words it SUCKED...!!

damn you people did you even watched the movie?!?! Most of the stuff you wrote for The Lord of the Rings don't make sense and

haft of it is so NOT TRUE! I could give a whole list!

1. WHAT THE HELL IS A BOG WRAITHS?!?!? DONT YOU MEAN RING WRAITHS?

2. JUST SO YOU KNOW IT'S SPELLED ORCS!!! NOT ORKS, ORCS!!!!!!

3. I READ THE BOOK TOO AND THE ORCS DONT WANT IT........IT'S SAURON WHO WANTS IT!!

4. WHAT THE FUCK IS DWARF CITY?!?! DON'T YOU MEAN MORIA?!?!?!

5. A GAINT MOTH?!?! ARE YOU BLIND?!?! IT WAS AN EAGLE!!!!! I THOUHGHT YOU SAID YOU READ THE BOOK!!!!!

6. BILBO IS NOT THE FATHER OF FRODO!!!!!! THEY'RE COUSINS!!!!!!!!

7. HE WASN'T POSIONED BY ORCS, IT WAS RING WRAITHS!!!!!!

8. THERE ARE GOING TO BE 2 MOVIES COMING OUT TO FINISH THE STORY YOU DUMB ASS!!!!!!

9. WHY DO YOU AND TELL PEOPLE WHAT HAPPEN IN THE NEXT BOOK?!?! I MEAN COME ON!!!!

10. ELF CITY?!?!?! ELF CITY?!?!?!

11. AT LEAST SAY THE NAME WITH ME..........BORORMIR....NOT MATRIX GUY.......BORORMIR!!!!!!

It is a scientifically proven fact that typing in all caps makes you seem like an intelligent person, especially when your sentences are concluded with more exclamation marks than actual letters in the sentence. Then again, perhaps I was just expecting too much from a person whose email address is "aznperson45@yahoo.com."