Flames From Review of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

The next email illustrates exactly how uncreative and moronic these people are. 95% of the flame messages we get parrot the same obvious insult over and over: "boy, that really is SOMETHING AWFUL!" Oooh, what a burn! They called a feature on a site named "Something Awful" something awful! Pardon me if I seem woozy when writing this, as I think I'm losing a lot of blood from this barb in my side!

From: lolo schmoe
Subject: Wow what a HORRIBLE review.

And you've just been embarrassed by having it posted on theonering.net ... Oy. Next time, get your facts right, man. That was just plain sad. Is your site called Something Awful because of the content?

Much love and pity,
Lolo

LOL at LOLO!!! LOL!!! ASL!!! ROTFLALFLEF!!! I'm glad she offered us her "love and pity" because I can tell you all right now that I'm giving her a lot of pity in return. This is just because scientists haven't invented a way for me to smash people in the face with a brick over the Internet. As for being embarrassed for having the article linked by theonering.net, all I have to say about that is this: their URL looks like "The Onion Ring.net."

Here's another email illustrating and further ramming home the whole "uncreative idiot" motif we've got going here. BOY THIS SITE SURE IS SOMETHING AWFUL, LOLLOLOLO WITH LOLOL ROTAGFOGHTL ASKEGTJH WHOOEOK#!!!

From: TSH EKOWOOD SDN BHD
Subject: LOTR Review

Something awfull??? God damn right the review was something awfull. Christ ... he couldn't even lie convincingly. I mean, he read the books?? Then, I've gotta be Father Christmas. I don't even know where to begin correcting the facts. oh .. I won't bother!

Black Rider #9

That review sure was something awful... you know, like that guy's spelling of the words "Something Awful!" Let's just be thankful for the fact that he didn't bother "correcting the facts," whatever the hell that means. How do you correct facts? Does that mean you turn them into lies or convert them into some kind of spaceship fuel? Who knows! Maybe Black Rider #9 does, or perhaps the eight black riders before him.

Next up comes another gem courtesy of some winner named "Carl Miller," which is just about the worst elf name I've ever heard. Ol' Carl seems to be especially angry with the incorrect spelling of the word "Orc," obviously because that means a whole lot and is crucial to his entire little weird world.

From: Carl Miller
Subject: LOTR

This should be to the person who wrote the review on The Lord Of The Ring.

Wow I can hardly believe how many things were messed up in your review man. Okay lets see if I can remember them all. For one Orcs is spelled Orcs and not Orks. Two The movie ended exactly where it did in the book. Three Gandalf was rescued from Orthanc before going to Rivendel and was rescued by a giant Eagle the moth isn't even in the book.

These are to say a few of the problems with your review. I don't care about the way you think of the movie but if you right a review on it make sure that you have the facts straight.

Thanks for the helpful pointers and pro tips, Carl! You are the best stupid man I know!

The following email speaks for itself, and boy does it sure speak a lot.

From: Michael A. Mason
Subject: Your review of Lord of the Rings

The number of facts that you got wrong in your review of "Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" is so huge it boggles the mind.

1. "...magical world of Mordor"
The world is Middle Earth not Mordor. Mordor is a specific region where Sauron and Mount Doom are located.

1. "JRR Tolkein"
Spelled wrong. Should be "Tolk-I-E-n"

2. "...who wrote fantasy novels around the turn of the century."
Fellowship of the Ring was written at the end of the 40's and early 50's and was published in 1954. Hardly "around the turn of the century."

3. "...Hobbit Town where the white wizard Gandalf is bringing magical fireworks for the hobbit festival..."
They are in a town called "Hobbiton" in the land of the Shire. He is Gandalf "the Grey". The white wizard is Saruman. He is bringing fireworks for Bilbo's birthday party, not "the hobbit festival".

4. "twisted hobbit Bilbo Baggins who has been made evil..."
No where does the book or movie ever imply that Bilbo is twisted, and certainly not "evil". The ring is certainly hurting and changing him. You see glimpses of hatefulness and anger as he is beginning to loose the fight. But he is never portrayed in the way you say.

5. "Gandalf takes the ring away from Bilbo..."
No he doesn't. He encourages Bilbo to give it to Frodo, which he does voluntarily.

6. "Orks"
Should be "orcs".

7. "Bilbo's son Frodo must journey with Gandalf..."
Frodo is Bilbo's younger cousin not his son. Though in the movie I think Frodo may call him "uncle" Bilbo. He doesn't journey with Gandalf. Gandalf never travels with them until AFTER the "elf city".

8. "...where the elves will help them decide how to fight the Ork army."
Frodo's only motive is getting the ring away from the Shire so that it won't be in danger. No one says anything about fighting an orc army.

9. "Bog Wraiths..."
It is RING not BOG wraiths!

10. "...the black wizard Sarumon."
He is the WHITE wizard Saruman (note spelling of "Saruman"). There is no "black" wizard in Lord of the Rings.

11. "...with the help of beautiful Princess Arwen...fights them off single handedly with her magic sword."
Did you even SEE this movie? Arwen doesn't have a magic sword and she never fights anyone. Aragorn is the one who fights the Ring Wraiths "single handedly" and NOT with a magic sword.

12. "...Mount Doom, which on the other side of Mordor..."
Mount Doom is IN Mordor. Mordor is the land they are traveling to.

13. "...don't explain how it's going to destroy the ring or why the Orks want it..."
Did you totally miss the 10 minute prologue at the beginning of the move where it explained all about the ring, and the long section where Gandalf tells Frodo what it is? That explains everything.

14. "I remember in the book there were three chapters devoted to them explaining how the ring was forged and how it could be unmade in the fires of the mountain..."
The council of Elrond takes up ONE chapter in the book, and talking about how it was forged and can be destroyed is only a small part of that chapter.

15. "Gandalf is almost killed..."
Never says that in the book or movie.

16. "...rescued by a giant moth..."
There is no giant moth in the book or movie. You must be thinking of "Godzilla versus Mothra". Gandalf speaks to a regular-sized moth and (we assume) that it goes and gets the giant EAGLE that rescues him.

17. "In the book they explain all about the moth but it is just retarded appearing out of nowhere like that in the movie, no one knows why a giant moth is helping him."
There is NO MOTH at all in the book and certainly not a GIANT one. In the book the eagle is coming there for a different reason and finds Gandalf, who asks him to rescue him. In the movie, Gandalf catches the little moth, talks to it, and it goes and gets the eagle.

18. "Barlog"
Balrog.

19. "Then the movie just ends. This is a huge disappointment because it doesn't end anything like how the book ends."
The movie ends in almost EXACTLY THE SAME PLACE as the book. Actually, the book ends even more abruptly than the movie. The book ends without you knowing what happened to anyone but Frodo and Sam. It ends with the entire fellowship out in the woods searching for Frodo while Frodo and Sam secretly take the boat and leave. Boromir's death is at the beginning of the second book.

20. "In the book Gandalf is back from the dead and they have defeated Sarumon for the first time..."
None of that happens until the MIDDLE of the SECOND book The Two Towers.

21. "It is pretty to look at, but it needs to get its facts straight..."
The movie's facts are perfectly straight. It is YOU who don't have your facts straight.

There are so many web sites, books, and resources on Lord of the Rings, that the poor quality and immensity of your mistakes is inexcusable. It is so bad and misinformed that you should print a retraction and apology for your poor handling and errors. If you are going to presume to write reviews of movies then at least do some research and use some care. At the very least go to IMDB.COM and look up a few things, and use a spell checker.


Michael A. Mason

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