Flames From Review of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

Now here come the big guns, folks. It seems as if LoTR fans have an awful lot of spare time and absolutely no hobbies or life whatsoever, unless you consider "obsessing over a book and movie" to be a fulltime occupation. I wonder how much they get paid for that. To top it off, this LoTR zombie is none other than FRODO BAGGINS HIMSELF! What a surprise! Why, it's Frodo Baggins! Well that's what his email account says; his address is fr0d0_3aggin5@hotmail.com, so I assume ol' Frodo has turned in to a L33T COMPUTAR HAX0R!

From: Frodo Baggins
Subject: AAAHHHHH!!!!

Why don't you just dig up Tolkien and have sex with his corpse while burning the masterpieces that are the Lord of the Rings trilogy. You dumbass. If I list everything thats wrong with your review, this is going to be a long email. I'll try to make my spelling meticulous.
Number one: YOU SPELLED HIS GOD DAMN NAME INCORRECTLY! Its Tolkien faggot.
Number two: None of this book/movie takes place in Mordor except for the movie's opening, lame ass. I think what you meant was Middle Earth, genius.
Number three: I'm sorry, but what was all the Matrix bullshit you were talking about?! Just because they have a common actor?
Number four: The movie is not wholly confusing due to its certain omissions, though certain ones, including the absence of Tom Bombadil angered me.
Number five: The trilogy was written in fifties jackass.
Number six: The so-called "Hobbit town" is the Shire, fuck up.
Number Seven: At this point, Mithrandir (as the elves call him) is grey, not Galdalf the White. He is not the white wizard until he returns from Moria and his battle with the Balrog, you malodorous heap of excrement.
Number eight: The fireworks are for Bilbo's birthday, shit head.
Number nine: Gandalf does not take the Ring, Bilbo (who isn't evil, you freaking moron) leaves it (with encouragement) at Bag End for Frodo.
Number ten: "Orks" is misspelled. It is spelled with a "c", as opposed to a "k", and Orcs were NOT coming to the Shire for the ring, you blasphemous idiot.
Number eleven: you're the most mentally defficient person I don't know, and I don't know alot of them. They are Ringwraiths, in the service of Sauron, not Saruman, who is the white wizard.
Number twelve: Rivendell, or Imladris if you will, is not an elf city, but the house of the elf-lord Elrond, you seething zit of putrid slime.
Number thirteen: They do not go to Rivendell to discuss how the Orcs should be driven away, but to discuss what should be done with the Ring, cheese dick. Ok, a slight beef here that isn't your review, but the movie. In the book, Legolas helped them escape from the Black Riders, not Arwen, and the only reason they changed it is so they could give that pouty bitch a bigger role.
Number fourteen: the Ringwraiths are not fought of with ANYONE'S sword, but are washed down river by a flood mustered by Elrond (in the book); Arwen (in the fucking movie).
Number fifteen: Frodo was not poisoned by Orcs, or by anyone in this particular part. He recieved a wound from a knife of Mordor while camping near Weathertop, you foul pestilence.
Number sixteen: the whole next fucking paragraph about the council, you festering vat of maggot fecal matter.
Number seventeen: Gandalf was captured by Saruman, the white wizard (who up until that point was thought to be in aid of the enemies of Mordor) of Orthanc.
Number eighteen: its an eagle, shitstain.
Number nineteen: The orcs in Moria are not defeated, but held off.
Number twenty: The Uruk-Hai are not defeated, though they do kill Boromir, heir to the stewardship of Gondor. They also kidnap Merry and Pippin, upon orders from Saruman to bring back any halflings that were found.
Number twentyone: the movie ends just like the book, you ape anus, and the reason "its a downer" is because there is more to come. Gandalf does not defeat Saruman until the Ents destroy most of Orthanc, and even then, some malice is left in him.

I HATE YOU!

Number twenty two: you are a very dumb little man.

Another recurring theme in these luxurious flame messages was the act of dissecting every sentence Zack wrote and then pointing out the grievous errors located inside. I'm fairly sure that flame messages like these are from the same people who go into movies and scream "fake, fake!!!" whenever something slightly unrealistic happens such as a character wearing mismatched shoelaces.

From: Paul Twomey
Subject: observations of your review for LOTR:FOTR

*** Close but no cigar, a monkey could of written a better plot description

***Sound effects? or Special Effects? Oh and it is Middle-earth, Mordor is only one part of the land.
The Cons: A number of factual errors and intentional omissions by the screenwriters and director make the movie confusing for anyone who has not read the book. There are also some continuity problems and the guy from the Matrix kept distracting me and making me think the movie was going to go into "Bullet Speeds".

***What factual errors? Omission were necessery too, if they were included it would be confusing for those that have not read the books, not the other way around. Continuity? name a few? Most films suffer from around 4-5 errors in continuity so explain to me how this film has problems? And if the Matric Guy (do you even know his name?) annoys you then that is your problem.

***Actually Tolkien only every wrote two novels, This one and The Hobbit, which is the prequal. the rest were editted and published by his son. Once again it is Middle-earth, not Mordor. It begins in Hobbiton where the GREY wizard called Gandalf brings fireworks. Bilbo and Gandalf are actual very old freinds, did you not pick that up when they talked to each other. Oh and how is he twisted and evil? He has simply started to become attatched to the ring and only once does he become dark and even then he does not do anything evil. Gandalf does not take the ring, he convinces Bilbo to give it up, this is an important part of the story. Oh and it is spelt Orcs, and the Orcs are mere minions of Sauron and Saruman, they can't think for themselves and they have no idea what the ring can do.

***Frodo is Bilbo's nephew, not son. They also don't journey with Gandalf, they go with Aragorn. Did you even watch the film? And the Elves don't decide anything, they want out of it all, "The Matrix guy" says so pretty clearly. Oh and they encounter the RingWraiths or Nazgul, Bog wraiths are from Diablo or something. And Saruman is the White Wzard. And Arwen uses the Elven magic enchanting the borders of Rivendell, which happens to be the ford and creates a flood - it has nothing to do with her sword which is not even magical. And Frodo is poisoned by the RingWraiths, not Orcs.

*** Actualy Elrond, Hugo Weaving (The guy from the Matrix) interrupts them all and declares the ring must be destroyed in Mount Doom. He explains that no craft can destory the ring and the only place that can is in the same fires that made it. If this explanation is not simple enough for you then there is no hope. Oh and the Orcs don't want it, Sauron does - this is why the Orcs are after them because the Orcs are Sauron's Army you fool. Oh and there was NOT 3 chapters devoted to it, there was ONE. You obviously have NEVER read the books at all.

*** The battle between Saruman and Gandalf happend ages ago when Frodo was poisoned and before they reached the Eleven city idiot. In this sequence Galdalf talks to a Moth who goes away. tyhe next sequence shows the moth returned and then a giant HAWK appears and takes away Gandalf. Anyone with any sense would realise that it is not a MOTH and would have put two things together to understand Gandalf asked the Moth to go get the Hawk. Not everything is handed to you on a silver platter - yes movies can make you think about things.

*** It is spelt Saruman, but hey why get it right now.At least this time this paragraph is reasonable and contains no plot erros.

***Actual your right this is not how the book ends. the book ends before Boromir even dies. You absolute fool. This is clear proof you have no clue what your on about. You can't spell anything, you miss all the plot, you muck up all the sequence of events and you even get the book wrong. You have not read the book because the second book deals with Gandalf coming back and taking down Saruman. You need to get your facts straight and start making sense. I cannot believe you published this on a website for the world to see, it is clear you have done no research, have no writing skills, have no journalism skills and have found a way to publich you absolute rubbish. I can send you twenty or so reviews that say LOTR:FOTR is a bad film and I think they have the right to say that but at least those people had aobviously seen the film, took note of what did happen and then reffered to the books for the correct spelling etc etc.

Grow up you fool, I hope for the good Lord's sake the webmaster saves himself the embarresment of having his site regarded as pathetic by removing your review.

Oh yeah, I forgot to remove the review, so I hope I can take the "embarresment" of having my site regarded as pathetic by very fat people who worship a movie about elves. This is almost as embarrassing as misspelling the word "embarrassment!"