Flames From Review of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

"Glen Stonebraker" kicks off this fun and flame-filled Truth Media session of love, helpfully informing Zack that he is both stupid and a loser. That's a kind of one-two punch that would leave most men knocked out on the floor! However, we were somehow able to withstand this harsh blow. I give credit to the cocaine. Glen also starts the unsettling trend of harping on the "correct" spelling of the word "Orcs," which is spelled "Orcs" and not "Orks" because if you spell it "Orks" then a gang of nerds armed with 20-sided dice will hunt you down and reflect light off their glasses to blind you.

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Once again, I have decided to include photos of what I imagine the people writing the flames look like. I feel this lends some gravity and meaning to their messages. I also thought that "Mannequin 2: On the Move" was a good movie.

From: glen stonebraker
Subject: Stupid

Sorry "Zack." I read your retarded article and I can point out over 20 mistakes in spelling, plot, location, and references to the book. I am only fourteen, but I have to say that I am not half the idiot you are. First of all, I don't pretend to be some big shot movie review loser, and second of all I realize that "orks" or not in fact spelled with a k, but a c. It's "orcs." And the first book did not end with the appearance of the revived Gandalf, it doesn't even end with the death of Boromir. (No, it's not Bromine or something dumb like that that you'd screw up.) Just wanted to tell you that anyone who knows the book, anyone who's even half the fan I am (and I'm not that obsessed, it's 80% my dad) would know that you are full of crap and you know, in your own words, "nada" about the world of J. R. R. Tolkien.

The guy who thinks you're a total loser,
------ Stonebraker

P.S. It's "Hobbiton," not "Hobbit World." And the book takes place in Middle Earth. Mordor is just part of Middle Earth. The statements regarding these two places made you sound the most retarded of all of them.

Oooh, "over 20 mistakes in spelling, plot, location, and references to the book?" That's a bad thing, right? I, as an editor, sometimes can't remember if I'm supposed to be checking for facts or mistakes, and this sometimes causes me to slip up and let little errors slip by. My apologies, ladies and gents! Take comfort in the fact that Glen Stonebraker considers Zack to be a total loser!

Next up is a kindly stranger who laments the lack of "standards in journalism" on Internet sites. Hey, guess what? I lament the lack of "standardized IQ tests required to use the Internet!" Huzzah!

From: Jameson R. Goodman
Subject: Did you actually *see* Lord of the Rings?

There used to be standards in journalism...

You should make an effort to be persuasive and intelligent in the way you critique movies, books, or whatever. The reason that bad spelling, flawed reasoning, and confusion over basic themes/plot probably earned you with a lot of C's in high school English is that in the *real* world, people will get pissed at you when you fuck up!

You're either extremely negligent or a total moron. I'm inclined to think the latter, however.

Oh my, it was a tossup between "negligent" and "total moron." I think Jameson picked the correct choice, since I'm sure he's experienced in both of these fields.