Flames From Review of Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones

Let's start this flamefest off with a bang and dive right into an insightful and deep message from "Karl Rayl," one hip and savvy Internet user who has decided to write in some new and exciting language he apparently made up while typing. He ends the apparent flame with his opinion on the popular party game "Jenga," which is a hit amongst the kids these days just like irons and Magic Markers.

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I have decided to include photos of what I imagine the people writing the flames look like. I feel this lends some gravity and meaning to their messages. Also I'm drunk.

From: Karl Rayl
Subject: wow

wow who ever wrote that review of star wars is a fucken moron.Nothing in there was correct ata ll.It isnt in any shows yet,not filmed in ireland,princess padmee?cmon now,your a tool.Jenga?tool,tool,tool,

While that last email may have been clear and concise, the next flame message from "Nick Gadsby" takes a slightly different and frankly gorgeous approach to writing really stupid mail: he formats his message in the same fashion as the review itself! What a cunning and clever man! Surely a person with his infinite intellect would be smart enough to tell a fake review from a real one! Right? Right? Guys, come on. Right?

From: Nick Gadsby
Subject: re your Attack of the Clones review

Overview: Failed 'director' vents his angst against something both beyond his skill and imagination. Is the Force still with him? No, and I don't think it ever was.

Written By: a talentless Twat

The Pros: nobody who counts will read it, those few that do will ignore it, because it's rubbish.

The Cons: It's rubbish.

Thanks to the quick thinking Star Wars internet community I was alerted to the existence of the millionth boring rant by a guy who has pretensions higher than his abilities. Having been demoted from ice cream seller to toilet cleaner, I was excited to see just what this bitter industry 'insider' had to say.

Remember, my e-mail is dedicated to taking the piss and doesn't actually confuse attention seeking with claims to the truth.

The biggest lesson here is that if you want to get attention you at least need to slag things off in a humorous manner. For example, some kind of coherent narrative would at least resolve any points the author wished to make, instead we encounter all the clichés of a confused 'liberal' mindset - notably an obsession with finding racism in every reference to a non-white actor and a misplaced belief in his own social responsibilities. Not to mention the idea that film viewers can actually think for themselves.

Continuing with the cliché-fest we are then led to believe that our industry expert was a big fan of the original trilogy, despite the fact that he thinks Han Solo and Princess Leia share the same parents (promoting incest!! Way to go. He must be from the deep south). Apparently Anakin manages to pick up a father at some point during the film - a spoiler that even George Lucas wasn't aware of (there goes that immaculate conception theory fanboys).

Fortunately our reviewer's brother-in-law, is on hand to correct any would-be errors, we are duly informed that parts of Episode 2 were filmed in Ireland! (It's okay, these guys from the deep south don't even know where America is).

This review is so bad that I have seriously thought about reconsidering my views on freedom of speech and censorship, this is serious bilge of the highest degree. The only highlight being a picture of the ever fair Natalie Portman, and even that was out of focus. I imagine that this guy would love his own cartoon or breakfast cereal, hell he's desperate enough for the publicity.

So if you feel like wasting 5 minutes reading this sorry piece, by all means do so its an amusing if slightly disturbing read. But just make sure you don't spend half an hour writing a reply that will probably get ignored anyway (oops!)

Humour: 0
Knowledge: -4
Friends: 0 (brothers-in-law don't count)
Language: 1 (well he can spell)
Pictures: 5
Overall: 2

I give that last email message the following highly scientific ratings:

NICK: 10
GADSBY: 10
IS: 10
A: 10
SHITFUCKER: 10

(bonus points)BEING A LIMEY SHITFUCKER: -100000

That makes a total of something like 37 points or something, narrowly propelling Nick Gadsby above the ranking of "blender" and below "used condom found floating in swimming pool." But enough talk of common recreational activities; let's move to some more hot and spicy flame action from a clever human being named "Nathaniel Thornburg" who asks the eternal question: "did you pay money for this tripe?" The answer is, of course, "no" followed by "you fag." I once paid Kevin to stay away from my car but I don't think that counts. Anyway, he ends his encouraging and upbeat email with the odd statement "congratulate yourself for losing a tick on your webcounter," which leads me to believe Nick Gadsby has some kind of Internet time machine which he will use to travel back in time before he clicked the link to the review and he'll warn his ignorant past-self of the danger that comes with clicking the link and he'll agree to not click. Then they will both go out and get ice cream and take turns slamming each other's faces in between doors.

From: Nathaniel Thornburg
Subject: Did you pay money for this tripe?

To the editor (if you even have one!):

Your webpage and enclosed Star Wars Review article have finally confirmed to me that the internet is a convaluted mess that is devoid of talent and reason. No wonder your "articles" are on the internet because no one in their right mind would waste paper on this fodder.

Out of curiousity, did you actually pay this so called "industry insider" for this "review." By the way, fire your editor, oh wait, that's you. Even a 10 year old could tell you all the flubs and erroneous remarks made in the AOTC Review. Perhaps your review source has seen the film, and if that is his unbiased opinion, then so be it. I encourage free thinking, but his inane remarks clearly showed he never saw the movie. Sounds to me like he searched on Lycos, found some "spoilers" and wrote an article to impress his beau, or worse yet, himself. That self indulgenced crap completely turned me off to your site. Congratulate yourself for losing a tick on your webcounter.

NT

I just traveled back in time and warned my past-self to not read Nathaniel's email message! He tried to hit on me and I ended up getting a restraining order. Let us never speak of it again.