State Og Update: 08.14.04

State Og

Are you ready for some football? The NFL regular season is fast approaching, and State Og is so excited that we welded the flesh of the entire populace of High Springs, Florida into some sort of huge Super Fan. It's big. It has problems keeping itself upright. It eats way more hot dogs than an average non-super fan. Unfortunately, it has absolutely no qualities that can be used to make money so we plan on dropping it into our equally useless. Super Deep Frier. Special thanks this week go to: Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson.

Relaxing Vacations

With the end of summer rapidly approaching there's less and less time for a relaxing summer vacation. Sure, you could bank that vacation time away for next year, but unlike State Og home office employees that time isn't physically sucked from the timeline and stored in our massive TimeVault until we deem you worthy of appreciating it. Not until we release Pocket TimeVault, at any rate. Fortunately we've taken the time to create exciting vacation solutions for your hectic lifestyle! We have your best interests in mind, so give us money!

You Decide: Theme vacations are a popular and ridiculous way to spend your off time. By signing up to participate in an outlandish yet rigorously scripted event, tired suburbanites can pretend to have done something interesting in their lives. What a deal!

We've spiced up this unspicy old dog with our own twist. Instead of pretending to be a pirate or whatever we give you real POWER. When you show up you will spend the night in luxury, eating the best food and sleeping on the finest cot. Then, in the morning, you will have a decision: who dies, the puppy, or the kitten? At your word one of these innocent and tiny animals will meet its fate at the cruel hands of our cold-hearted executioner, and when he's done his work you won't be able to tell which one it once was. An awful decision? Certainly. But we guarantee that it's one you'll make, because if you don't Executioner Lou will stab your children in the necks with knitting needles… unless that IS your decision! No chatting in the car, kids!

Nose To the…. Grindstone?: For some people there's only one way to enjoy a vacation, and that's with more work. We can guarantee that with rigidly enforced labor, sure to challenge any professional during their time away from the daily grind. How do we know our forced labor will provide that challenge to satisfy the most hardened workaholic? By providing work that hardly anyone ever does: forcing pregnant women into labor. We wheel in the freshest ladies in advanced stages of pregnancy and it's the vacationer's job to get that fetus out by any means necessary; using rocks, fists, clubs… whatever! It's a problem-solving adventure! It's a gynecological educational experience! It involves a great deal of nasty fluids!

The Trip of a Lifetime: For those who are tired of the usual vacation spots like Florida or Israel we're offering a unique travel locale steeped in history: Hell. Eager vacationers can see the final reward of the damned with their own blood-soaked eyes! Witness instruments of unspeakable pain used in unspeakable ways, and then tell all your friends about it! You might have heard about the river of blood and piss, but to see and smell it is something that will truly take your breath away.

We've built the Hell-On-Og Resort and Spa in the scenic 8th circle area, featuring most of an 18 hole golf course, a nice imitation of a juice bar, and Winston Churchill with his clever quips. Not good enough? What if we promised a meeting with the Fallen One himself, who will grant anything you wish, provided you supply him with one (1) mortal soul. Now that's a deal!

Fashion Meets Food: On a low budget? That's no reason you can't have a good time away from work. Call up the State Og home entertainment service and they'll be right over to keep you amused for days on end. For mere hundreds of dollars our trained technicians will fill your pants with oatmeal. Feel that delightful squishy mess running down your butt and legs and know what it's like to be a part of this complete breakfast! We even offer several styles of pants to maximize your experience, from short pants for a quick, slick oatmeal dumping, to clown pants for an epic load of wheat-based extravagance! As if that's not enough we will provide raisins on an exponential payment plan to also dump into your pants.

When you come back to the office you won't believe the reactions you get when you tell people you had your pants filled with oatmeal. Sign up now, you jerk!

New Low Fares With State Og Airlines

We are pleased to announce that we've taken a number of steps to help you save when you fly State Og Airlines. But we can't stop at simply saving you money, just like Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell can't stop spending large sums of money to buy his girlfriend frilly underwear from Victoria’s Secret everyday. [Strangely, none of us have ever met Dennis’s girlfriend. In fact, the only clue about her appearance is that when he buys the lingerie and is asked what size she is, he usually says, "she’s about my height and build.”] We've got to give you more and that's why if you fly with State Og Airlines, and fortune is with you, you may arrive at your destination wealthier than when you left!

- We have instituted new ways to save fuel and pass the savings on to you! Our pilots always take the most direct path and never fly in a roundabout way just to avoid things like restricted military no-fly zones. But even more significantly, we’ve reduced the amount of jet fuel to allow our pilots to have to make the Molotov Cocktails they regularly enjoy tossing out of their cockpit windows during flight.

- As standard policy, if two or more State Og airliners come across each other, they will start an impromptu air show performing acrobatic stunts until all but one of the flight crews lose control of their plane and spin into the ground. The passengers aboard the winning aircraft will be awarded thousands in cash and prizes. There is even a prize given out to the passenger who vomits the most, so make sure to fill up on our delicious airline food!

- Are discounted coach fares still too expensive for you? Ask about our new “Flying Sweatshop” tickets!

Whether you’re sitting in the first-class compartment of a State Og passenger jet as the pilot pulls up to 8 Gs performing several consecutive split-S maneuvers, or simply sitting on the ground eating one of our solid chocolate bullets after one of our pilots has made a strafing run, you will soon see why no other airline is like State Og airlines.