State Og Update: 08.07.04

State Og

Like a recurring sexually transmitted disease that untalented writers mention in articles to get cheap laughs, State Og is back. Special thanks this week go to: Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (cried at the end of Spider-Man 2), and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (cried at the entirety of The Village).

Yellow and Blue Make Green

Our condolences go out to the surviving families of the State Og Space Bag Shuttle crew. Sealing seven men and an emotionally troubled bear into a giant airtight ziploc bag and then flinging them into outer space seemed like a great way to explore space without spending money on fuel, technology, and air. Ultimately, however, it did not work out as we had planned. We accidentally left one corner of the bag unsealed. We will learn from this mistake and seal the bag more securely next time around.

State Og Asks

Due to the tremendous reponse we've received after the first airing of State Og Asks, I'm happy to announce that we'll be turning it into a regular series. For those of you who hadn't heard of it, State Og Asks is a television program that runs on the Sciencey Channel. Each episode asks a question about history or nature, then attempts to answer it in an entertaining and informative way. Tune in every weeknight at 8pm to catch five brand new episodes!

Monday - "Nazis and World War 2: Evil Or Just A Joke That Got Way Out Of Hand?"
Tuesday - "Who Wins In A Fight: A Live Tiger Or A Dead Baby?"
Wednesday - "The Sun: Basis Of All Human Life, Or A Humongous Peeping Tom?"
Thursday - "Who Let The Dogs Out?"
Friday - "Can A Penis Made Out Of Lego Blocks Replace The Real Thing?"

Tune in to the Sciencey Channel, and remember: If it's not Sciencey, it's something else!

State Og Collection Agency

Is your business plagued by deadbeats who don’t pay their bills? If so, our new debt collection service has everything you need to get back the money you so richly deserve! What do we have that sets us apart from all the other debt collectors out there? Nothing! It’s what we don’t have that sets us apart, because we lack something all our competitors in this field have in spades: unparalleled laziness. While other agencies might have a machine send you a recorded message or, rarely, a person that actually calls you and tries to persuade you to pay your bills, we at Og make sure our agents don’t sleep until they’ve acquired all the money owed! This ensures that every scheme they employ to get the money is crazier than the last!

While the law may frown on intimidating debtors by cutting off body parts, there are technically no laws preventing us from adding a few. When some lousy cheat wakes up and finds his mouth is no longer the only orifice out of his body that has taste buds, he’ll probably make paying you back a top priority. He'll be sure to put in a little overtime at work, and even skip a few meals.

Collection agencies can no longer pester people with incessant phone calls, but who says we can’t send over a dozen deaf people to follow them around all day and constantly tell them in synchronized sign language to, “Pay their fucking bills!” If this doesn’t work, the deaf agents break out the semaphore flags, which is the deaf person’s way of shouting.

By our standards, none of the aforementioned actions are really crazy, but who knows what appalling acts of wackiness our agents will come up with after their third or fourth day without sleep and constant menacing by Bill (The madman with an ice-pick we set loose to poke some of our agents in the ears, making them candidates for our deaf-persons semaphore squads). Sign up for our debt collection services now! It will be so much fun, you’ll start selling stuff on credit to people with histories of missing payments just for the smile that their impending predicament will bring, not just to your face, but Bill’s as well.