State Og Update: 07.17.04

State Og

Welcome to State Og, the company that's proud to bring you Og Brand Radioactive Spiders. They're radioactive. They're spiders. They might just turn you into Spider-Man! Or give you a brain tumor with Spidey-like strength! Either way, wow! Special thanks this week go to: Brett "Nimmo" Hurban, Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young, and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson.

Manatee Rides! (part one)

I can remember sad days from my childhood, visiting Sea World in Orlando, Florida. I was so happy to see the killer whales, mainly because I liked their names. It felt magical to pet the dolphins and the stingrays, although I was sad that they had no killer dolphins or killer stingrays. But there was one animal there that I could not pet, the killer manatee. That is because no such thing exists, but they did have original manatees, which you could tell from zesty salsa manatees by the lack of a sombrero.

I can also remember dreaming about touching the manatees while sleeping inside of the whale show auditorium. I have been here for two weeks now. Ever since Corin Tucker’s Stalker said to me “Nimmo, you haven’t done any work in over two months, and your clothes are unstylish and offensive to mall people. You are banished to Sea World until I remember that you are there and come back to get you.”

So once again I am taunted by the manatees. “You can’t touch them, only I can because they are endangered.” The keeper says. “If you touch them then they will be chopped up by a boat propeller and die.” The keeper says. She points to a manatee with chunks of flesh missing from its back. “That manatee is a great warrior”, I think to myself. He cannot be tamed, but he must be experienced.

Experienced only the way a true warrior can experience another warrior. To survive your hardships together and to see your enemies slain at your feet: The common bond of survival that is shared between both animal and man: The instinct to stay alive despite attacks by scabies, wild dogs, and boat propellers. That instinct is strong in this manatee, and he has felt the fury of battle. He laughs at it.

He is missing large pieces of flesh from his back, but his back in not his soul, not his spirit. And he knows this.

Carbon Cowpies

The main problem with barbeques as we at Og see it is that they simply don't have enough refreshment. Sure, you have your pop, your beer, your ice cream, but when you tuck into that eight pound steak you're not thinking refreshment. You're thinking enema. So we sat down and did some heavy research on what makes things refreshing. From the laughter of a child to the forced laughter of a child at gunpoint to the recorded laughter of a child who's been shot, every option was tried in triplicate. It was when we cut out the gunplay that things really began to fall into place. Turns out that one thing can make anything refreshing: carbonation!

Therefore we're proud to announce the release of Carbonated Beef! Using the miracles of science we injected fizzy deliciousness into perfectly good steak. Throw one of these babies on the grill and watch it snap, crackle and pop its way to beefy yumminess! Every beefy bite is chock full of artificial refreshment; you'll wonder how you ever ate boring uncarbonated beef! Get some gassy beef now and eat meat that's full of gas!

The bubbles tickle!

The Return Of The Comeback Of The Premiere Of Dr. Brenner Returns!

Dr. Brenner here, ready to cleanse your delicate colon of a psyche with the dietary fiber of my State Og approved advice column. Sadly, this article must be brief because in exactly half-an-hour I need to be in a highly visible public area so that lots of witnesses can attest to where I was just in case a certain ex-wife should happen to run afoul a few State Og agents who are, it is alleged, willing to carry out a multitude of unscrupulous acts in return for nothing more than an old Duran Duran cassette and a handful of Nutter Butter peanut butter cookies.

The topic for today’s article is trust. As an employee of State Og, trust is important to me. On a daily basis we must put life and limb in the hands of our co-workers. From our trained lobster who sneaks in to the homes of Og employees and changes our underwear as we sleep to make sure we have on a fresh pair to start the day with, to our boss, Dennis “Corin Tucker’s Stalker” Farrell, who changes our underwear during staff meetings; State Og is built on trust. Trust that whoever named the lobster “Nutter” was naming him after the aforementioned cookies. Trust that Farrell will be gentle -- well as gentle as a man who, coincidently, has had his hands surgically replaced with live lobsters (a creature he so obsessively loves) can be.

Whether it’s between you and your coworkers, your significant other or your significant crustacean; trust is an important thing to share in any relationship. People unable to have faith in others lead unhappy lives and have difficulty getting along with others. For example, during a conversation with my parole officer yesterday, he announced a disturbing lack of trust and concern just because I purchased several life insurance policies on him. Sadly, his paranoia expanded to include not just me but also some innocent bystanders who merely cruised up and down the street in front of his house all day and night, munching on cookies and listening to Hungry Like the Wolf. What a sad, cynical and deprived life.

Well that’s about all the time I have. “But wait,” you plead, “how does one become a more trusting person? I must know!” Well, buying State Og products, for one, is a great way to establish a sense of trust in your fellow man and is so very risk free. I mean, how can you not trust a company that goes through such lengths to guarantee its employees always have on such clean underwear?