State Og Update: 05.22.04

State Og

In this week's very special episode of State Og, Reno Raines (Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell) is a tough, young street-smart cop who becomes a modern-day bounty hunter after being framed for a murder he didn't commit. To escape imprisonment and with hopes of someday clearing his name, Raines hits the road on his Harley Davidson, fighting for justice wherever he goes while himself eluding the law. Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson also stars as Bobby Sixkiller, a fellow bounty hunter and Native American entrepreneur. Jeremy "Darthphunk" Kraemer reprises his role as Raines' nemesis, marshall Donald 'Dutch' Dixon.

Harmful If Swallowed

You know how it is. You work hard all week, and on your day off you cash your check and rush down to the general store to buy a plutonium rod. Once you get home, however, you realize that the packaging is ridiculously secure. THREE layers of plastic? No easy-open tab? What, do the plutonium companies expect everyone to have a pair of scissors just laying around? Don't they have any idea how dangerous that is?

State Og is just as fed up with safe packaging as you are, and we've decided to enter the fray with our line of Poorly Packaged Plutonium. Who wants a hermetically sealed container when you can have a fashionable brown paper bag? Pussies, that's who. The paper bag isn't your only option, either. Our discerning customers can also choose to buy their plutonium rods in a battered shoebox, crumpled newspapers held together with duct tape, or stuffed into the mouth of a large fish (grouper or kingfish, NOT bass).

State Og Poorly Packaged Plutonium - Because getting your hands on radioactive materials shouldn't be a hassle.

Dr L. Brynner: Your Ulysses S. Grant for the Emotional Civil War Within

As State Og’s official clinical psychologist, there is nothing I love more than discussing case studies regarding the treatment of various disorders. Everything else is unimportant to me, especially things like the sacred notion of patient-doctor confidentiality, and that’s why I’m going to publicly delve into the case file of an Og employee today. As a direct result of this, you, gentle reader, can take note and learn from his righteous example of success in the face of adversity.

Michael "Slash And Burn" Hollenbeck: Special Agent and Official Captain of the State Og Wooden Clog Dancing Team.

After initially seeing me for help with his phobia of people with phobias, I soon found that Mr. Hollenbeck was a model Og agent with few perceivable flaws in his psyche or character aside from being a chronic bed wetter. As one might expect, this was a problem that at first he was too embarrassed to bring to my attention during our therapy sessions, until at one point he finally confided in me this issue. I remember it all clearly: I awoke one night to him standing on my bed and screaming, “Wake the fuck up! I’m pissing all over your goddamn bed and if you move I’ll stab you in your cock-sucking face!” With those words my heart felt light and warm like the mist accumulating on my face, knowing that, after weeks of stagnation, real progress was finally being made in his therapy.

With the admission of his problem, I knew we had made a great first stride in his counseling. While I did not know how to treat him at first, seeing that the typical methods for treating bedwetting were all based on the assumption that the afflicted is doing it while asleep and unwillingly in his own bed, I quickly improvised a plan of paying him $50 a day not to urinate on my bed but rather in a toilet. So far, my new bribe therapy has been a resounding success. Now when Agent Slash and Burn breaks into my house at night, he relieves himself neatly in the toilet. Though he does urinate in the tank, not the bowl, which really caught me off guard at first. Let me tell you, it's a real surprise when you try to flush nothing but a plain Kleenex that you used to blow your nose down the toilet and the next thing you see is the bowl filling up with urine.

My new bribery therapy has been so successful that I’m about to instigate my new Dr L. BrynnerTM PATENT PENDING Reverse Bribery Treatment, with which I ask my patients to give me money to insure that I don’t write about them in this newsletter. Will it work? Tune in next week and find out!