State Og Update: 05.01.04

State Og

This week has been deemed Top Ten week by the almighty Lowtax, and State Og has entered the fray with their own tribute to the greatest 2-digit number which is less than 11. Thanks this week go to Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young.

The 10 Great Successes in Og History

When a company has been around as long as State Og has, people tend to forget the many great accomplishments churned out like soulless, eyeless cloned babies from a genetic sludge pit. So it behooves us to provide a retrospective review of our top ten past inventions, which have brought so much joy, suffering and joyful suffering to the world.

10. Marvin Gardens' Memorial Salad Shooter - Back during the salad shooting craze when all the news programs led with stories on the latest brutal salad shooting, we were quick to capitalize on that hot bandwagon. With this simple, effective device any housewife could hurl fresh produce with enough force to impact like a mortar round. A series of semi-popular movies starring Kevin Bacon dramatized the harrowing aftermath of a Marvin Gardens' Memorial salad shooting. The Salad Shooter never sold particularly well outside of the American military, however this is what put State Og on the map to stay, written with shards of deeply embedded lettuce.

9. The Genetic Sludge Pit - Nobody knew what would happen when local boob Doug Davidson knocked our gene resequencing stuff into a nearby tar pit. It turned out that all that stuff combined with all that gunk to make something or other. Non-scientifically speaking, Doug had created the perfect cloning procedure. Over the next few years streams of horribly mutated but invariably crafty children emerged sticky and belly button-free from the pit, despite the best wishes of God and man. It was so cool. Nothing warms our hearts like a State Og Chest Cavity Radiator, however seeing all those pugnacious tykes grown into scholarly sociopaths at Og State comes damn close. We almost feel like writing a memo to suggest some kind of emotional statement or process be implemented.

8. Feed The Fatties Day - Our long history of social work is something that looks great on tax forms. But it's also gratifying to help people in need, we suppose. So when we held a day-long event to help feed the people that really needed it no one said shit. Fatties need love and attention, but most of all they need food to avoid heart failure and bowel seizure. So we gave them a year's supply of food... in one day! Using funnels, pistons and surgical wounds we crammed all manner of meat and meat by-products in there. Did it take a long time and smell horrible? Of course, but it was worth it to see the looks on those lardites' faces.

7. Democracy - When silly office gags get out of hand usually you end up with nothing but tears and recrimmination. However on this occasion the gag spread out of the office and into the GLOBAL office, and we couldn't be happier! The idea of letting the pathetic masses of the world actually have some hand in their own government is laughable, but to see countries actually TRY it is something totally unexpected and endlessly entertaining. What will you mindless worms come up with next?

6. Kung Fu Puppy - When we made our ill-fated action movie in the 70s featuring an ass-kicking dog and his streetwise master it turned out to be a huge box office bomb. Those responsible were flayed and scattered to the wind like so much fine corinthian leather. However, years later when goober film nerds dug the movie out of a pile of old tapes they created a phenomina. Kung Fu Puppy fever hit the world like Kung Fu Puppy Fever, the rare and deadly plague found only on old copies of Kung Fu Puppy. Actually, the movie wasn't really that great an achievement, the Fever was. As we watched people's brains slowly fill with hot pus we knew that we'd really unleashed something terrible.

5. OMICRON 9 - When we saw how hectic modern life had become we put together the perfect solution. OMICRON 9 was the ultimate personal assistant. Fashioned out of high grade titanium and jolly good cheer this android lived only to serve its master, subverting the exact text of it's command protocols only slightly in order to fulfill its own agenda. When not serving coffee by ripping it out of a co-worker's stomach and reheating it, it would busily take care of important filing, and then atomize the filing cabinet. Here at Og HQ we loved to watch its many attempts to understand human feeling, only to tragically fail and lash out in a confused and occasionally sexual way. Always a joker, OMICRON 9 would often do impressions of major celibrities while wearing their skin as a costume. Steel spirit and cold efficiency: what more do we require?

4. The World's Largest Pancake - For months we toiled, for days we cooked, and for minutes we ate. The dream to create a crepe fit for an enormous king began in the small German town of Balzaria, where the hardworking indigenous peoples fell into heavy debt to State Og. That's when we rolled in. Tons of eggs, gallons of milk and pinches of nutmeg were brought in even as a cast iron pan of mighty stature was built in the middle of town. Then all that stuff was combined and in a mighty effort the entire town was smothered under a massive breakfast food staple. Survivors then drowned in a sea of syrup. To this day where once stood a tiny German village people still say they can hear the cries of Balzarians as they succumbed to the fluffy behomoth like the fairies they were.

3. That little black midget on that one sitcom - When we set out to create timeless classics we don't mess around. What better way to achieve timeless perfection than to make a TV star who never gets old? We try not to accept the gratitude of that young(?) pup, but we do anyway.

2. Popo the Clown - Clowns have long been derided for being a slightly eerie form of children's entertainment, hearkening back to their origins as tough-as-nails voodoo pimps. We decided to fight that image by embracing it; Popo the Clown was a no-nonsense street-smart clown of leisure. We took him from the streets where he was making balloon animals with balloons he smuggled inside his ass to children's parties around the world. By laying down street justice with his oversize novelty shoes he earned their respect. With his considerable influence we built a crime network that would make Gotti shit seltzer water, and best of all it was HILARIOUS. Those salad days are long gone, but we will always remember our Popo.

1. 2002 Flushes - Back in the humble beginnings of the company there was a man with a dream. His dream was to manufacture and market a product that not only outperformed popular toilet bowl cleanser 2000 Flushes, but also beat likely competitor 2001 Flushes. The answer: 2002 Flushes. Unfortunately, he was never able to perfect the technique of cleansing the bowl more than 2000 times, so instead he added a secret ingredient: napalm. As the toilet neared 2000 flushes the napalm inside would ignite, incinerating the entire bathroom and everything inside. Thus nobody ever knew that 2002 Flushes in fact only cleaned with the first 2000 flushes. The product sold like hotcakes, and those 2000 Flushes bitches never recovered. That man with a dream became stupid wealthy, living out his days performing dark rituals and making his own ice cream, but we never forgot his own personal philosophy, the State Og way.