State Og Update: 04.10.04

State Og

Last year's reports are in, and State Og's customer service rating is at an impressive 100%. I just made that number up, but it's impressive nonetheless. No, wait... my secretary says she's pretty sure she saw the number 100 before somewhere. So maybe I didn't make that up. Just forget the whole thing. Thanks this week go to Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (Dr. Jekyll) and Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (Dr. Jekyll's brother, Mr. Jekyll).

The Doctor Is In

Hello, my name is Dr. L. Brynner, and I'm State Og’s resident clinical psychologist. Allow me to begin this article by saying that I am truly blessed to have a job that allows me to help my happiness-impaired coworkers find solace and resolve their personal issues, as long as they don’t mind me counseling them and simultaneously carrying out the duties of my second job with State Og as a member of the pit crew for the NASCAR driver they sponsor.

Patients before treatment with Dr. Brynner.

Ah, there is no greater thrill for me than the challenge of listening to a patient tell me his or her deepest concerns as I tighten a tire’s lug nuts with an air wrench. Anyways, this information is not important to this article. What is important right now is that thanks to successful plea-bargaining and how difficult it is to prosecute people for certain crimes when the alleged “victim” can’t be found except for a tiny patch of skin in an otherwise clean garbage disposal unit, I’ve been asked nicely by a judge to do 600 hours of community service and he’s allowing me to do part of it as a personal help column in the State Og newsletter. This means all the top-quality professional advice that I give to Og employees is now also available to the public, so get ready to make all those internal demons your bitch!

Patients after treatment.

Next week, I will tend to the psychological needs of a very special man who needs help coping with the physical disabilities he must live with after being run over in the middle of our last therapy session. I sincerely hope to ease his pain and rid him of the awful delusional belief that I pushed him on to the racetrack.

Right now I’m late because I’ve still got more community service to do, but if you happen to see me in my reflective vest gathering trash along Interstate 405 in the next couple of hours, stop by and I’ll give you half-off on marriage counseling!

God Bless,
L. Brynner, Ph.D.

Koalas Ate My Dingo

Everybody likes koala bears. Koalas are soft, exotic, and make for really good chick magnets. However, they are not easily kept as pets due to several laws and the animal's eating habits. Plus they can become quite agitated as a result of having to put up with all of those retarded Aussies. Luckily laws aren’t important to State Og, and the Aussie problem is obviously solved by the resulting distance once the koala is willingly shipped abroad.

Feeding is the problem. Koalas only eat eucalyptus leaves. Eucalyptus trees only grow in Australia, and the feeding of one animal usually costs around $30,000 per year. That's nothing to State Og, but we are trying to sell koalas to the common man to fulfill his need to impress girls without having to show any sort of marketable trait.

We began by creating a Eucalyptus paste mixed with some common plants. Eventually, the koalas began to feed on more common leaves found throughout North America. They then shriveled up and died because they had also gotten all of their water from the Eucalyptus leaves. After some training they began to drink as most other animals do, and we were then able to sell the koalas to the local populace.

However, since this change had only taken place in one generation of the subject, not counting the first attempt where they all died of dehydration, we decided to delay the release of the animals to the public so that we could fine-tune our product. The leaves were mixed with soy, the soy with beef, and so on. Now we are left with the greatest creature ever: A koala that eats plastic and dogs. Not only that, but due to the new habits of the animal, it is no longer legally considered to be a koala and is therefore legal.

Every pet shop in the world will have no excuse not to have a perfectly legal koala for sale. Demand will be high for this animal and every shop will require one to be considered respectable. The terrible side-effect to this is that the koala’s new feeding habits now allow it to eat its way out of its enclosure and then into the puppy cages, leaving customers only the koala and a few fish to choose from in the pet shop.

We have seen the sales of koalas go way up in our test regions due to a lack of other uneaten pets, and plan on releasing our koalas world wide soon. This venture has worked out so well for us that we plan on making more rare creatures available to the public…as soon as we can find something that will eat koalas. Hey, if it worked once it’ll work again, right?