State Og Update: 04.03.04

State Og

I suspected something funny was going on in the State Og offices, so I cautiously patrolled the hallways. Once I made my way to the break room, I poked my head into the doorway and saw that the staff was watching Jay Leno on television. No, nothing funny was going on after all. Thanks this week go to Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (likes walnuts), and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (crafts shelves solely meant to hold pornography in his free time).

GroundOg Day

At last State Og has found a way to leverage their devotion to science and skills at amusement enterprises into one amusingly scientific enterprise! What we're talking about is a shared-concept park located right in the middle of New York's Central Park! At the Maestro Memorial Skate and Dinosaur Park, we've combined the urban, slacker joys of traditional skate parks with the nature-meddling inevitable comeuppance of dinosaur parks! Never before have the terms, "shred," "thrash" and "gaping claw wound" had such wonderful dual meanings! All the local "dudes" can come down to the Park and get "gnarly," possibly distracting them from their usual passtime of "vandalism" and "drugs." Even better, while the kids turn tricks and practice their skateboarding, they can see the wonders of prehistoric Earth, restored to life in living color thanks to our cloning department.

We've had complaints from concerned parents and professional slacker TV's Tony Hawk that letting vicious Tyranosaurs, Velociraptors and Stergosaurs loose in the middle of a skate park is a dangerous and irresponsible thing to do. We totally agree, to the EXTREME! That kind of affront to common sense, and, indeed, nature is how we roll in State Og; we keep it RADICAL!

Head down to the Maestro Memorial Skate and Dinosaur Park and prepare to pull and straight back double ollie headflip footloose nosegrind with a 532 ass chomp today!

Public Service Announcement

Good news, everyone! It may surprise a lot of people, but State Og’s research and development team is on the verge of putting an end to world hunger, and it may surprise even more people that our plan doesn’t involve killing the hungry. What exciting new discoveries have our ingenious sciencologists come up with this time? I’ll tell you: a new super fertilizer made out of a new space age material. Manure, that is. Brown gold! Texas pudding!

But manure has already been invented, you say, by Napoleon to fight the Visigoth hordes in the Battle of Britain. Yes, that’s true, but that old-fashioned crap your grand-daddy use to throw out the cockpit of a spitfire doesn’t cut it in this modern day and age, no matter whether you’re fighting Goths or trying to feed the world’s hungry. It’s the hungry State Og is trying to help, and while others don't do jack because they're too busy arguing over things like whether it is best to use genetic engineering or organic methods in places where the land can’t grow an adequate amount of crops to feed the local poor, we’ve figuratively given proponents of both sides the back of our collective State Og hand and have combined both ideas by producing a 100% organic fertilizer made by genetically engineered cows. By genetically engineered, I mean they had sex with Phil from accounting, who’s testicles we’ve been irradiating and injecting with various chemicals and whatever we found in Rich “Lowtax” Kyanka’s spice rack.

What’s so special about this new kind of poo we’ve created? Well for starters, it makes plants grow incredibly large and at an unbelievable speed. While we were hoping that the fruits and vegetables created would continue to grow after being picked and placed in storage, sadly, we must report they did not. However, we were pleasantly surprised to learn that that this produce resumes its amazing growth rate as soon as it comes in contact with the digestive juices in a human stomach. Don’t worry, it will stop growing after it comes into contact with air, which it inevitably will after puncturing something.

Now the poorest people in the world who can afford our fertilizer can grow all the food they need, thanks entirely to State Og. In your face, United Nations World Food Program!

Public Service Announcement Part 2

Okay, it seems like today a few misguided people out there are falsely proclaiming some kind of connection between our new fertilizer and how communities where we tested it are reporting a sharp increase in the number of dead people rising from their graves and trying to devour the living. First off, it is an indisputable fact that none of these cities have performed any kind of survey or census to determine the number of zombies that resided in these municipal areas before we did our grossly irresponsible experiments. Therefore, there is no baseline to scientifically prove there are more zombies now than when we first set foot in their stinking towns.

Second, so far, nobody has been actually killed, eaten or even injured by a zombie. In fact, State Og is to thank for this, because long before we experimented with the shit from Phil’s perverse lovemutants we were harvesting teeth from the people buried in the cemeteries of these cities to use in our new line of Mr. Smiley dolls. Sure, people are getting “attacked” by the living dead left-and-right, but they’re just getting gummed. Who do you have to thank for that? That’s right! State Og.