State Og Update: 03.13.04

State Og

Welcome to another installment of State Og, the only company newsletter so informative that it's worth its weight in helium. Thanks this week go to Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (Sunnydale, CA) and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (Wellsville, NJ).

Dawn of the Atkins

State Og is proud to announce a brand new joint venture with noted diet expert and festering animated zombie Dr. Robert Atkins! This combination of his hi-tech nutritional science and our hi-tech mad science will brutally crush fat with no mercy and low carbs. Dr. Atkins has used his knowledge to further our plans to promote rapid weight loss in the gluttonous masses, and we have used our knowledge to further his plans to live a long unlife as our zombie lord!

Our cross-breeding experiments have produced an animal that is part cow, part chicken, and all monstrosity! Years of work and days of the most brutal birthing process ever to soil the canvas of time mean you'll no longer have to worry about getting enough protein in your meal, because this thing is all muscle and limbs! Under all those feathers, functionless hooves and curiously human-like nipples you won't find an ounce of fat or even, for that matter, bone. Freshness will never be an issue with these animals, because we have yet to find a way to kill them. Constant and random spasming will make mealtime a fun experience for the whole family! Way more fun than a de-lousing!

Pumping people full of pure protein is a good start, but we can do better! Keeping the carbs low is a big step, but the other half of the equation is removing the ones that are already there. Following Dr. Atkins' design we've constructed the DeCarbinator, a massive device which, when activated, will suck carbohydrates out of a 20 mile radius, be they complex or simple. We thought it might be a bit excessive to negate such an important part of human physiology, but Atkins questioned our dedication to weight loss, and we were humbled. We didn't ask about why all the carbs were being fed into the Lard-Laser, our powerful beam weapon that makes fat cells explode in a showy fireball. He knows what he's doing. He's a doctor.

We've been hard at work designing a program to fatten people up again so that we can keep them continually dieting, however plans for The Enfattening have hit a snag due to Atkins' increasing instability. When we first raised the diet guru from the dead, we expected well-designed fad diets and the nauseating smell of decomposing flesh. What we didn't expect was a megalomaniacal health psycho with little respect for making State Og more money. We keep him under control by drugging his protein slurry, but we're not sure how long that will last. May "God" have mercy on our "souls".

Turning Japanese

State Og is a global corporation, and as such we face stiff competition from all parts of the world. By far the most formidable adversaries we face are spawned from the nation of Japan, which collectively works harder than anyone in the world, including the guy that has to do Starr Jones' makeup. In fact, the Japanese and their crazy "can wake up before 11am" attitude have intrigued us, and we will be making company-wide changes in an effort to repeat their successes within our own company.

In Japanese culture, keeping fit is very important, and it's not uncommon for groups of people to participate in morning exercises to stay in shape and face the day. We like this line of thinking, and will emulate it by not allowing employees who are so obese that they have become stuck in their own bathtub to teleconference (that means you, Rick). If you get that fat, you can just wait in the tub until you get smaller or eat the tub itself.

Japanese businessmen work nearly every single day of the week, and would consider one of our typical weekends an exuberant holiday. We know how much you'd bitch and moan if we took away your precious weekend, so how can we possibly compete with the Japanese in this area? Simple, create a new day of the week! This new day (Ogday, naturally) will be just like Friday, only it will be in the middle of the week and won't really be like Friday at all. How did we find the room for Ogday? Simple, we condensed the whole of Saturday and Sunday into one afternoon! We're not sure which afternoon though, we had it written down somewhere and lost it.

These simple changes combined with our pre-existing tentacle monster residing on the 12th floor will bridge the gap between Og and our foreign counterparts.