State Og Update: 02.14.04

State Og

Welcome once again to State Og! It's a little-known and completely unprovable fact, but we built this company entirely on rock 'n roll. And popsicle sticks. Thanks this week go to Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (Cat Town, Pennsylvania), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (Boneville, Virginia), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (Snap City, Utah).

Og Air

Recently, many major airlines have dwindled their customer service away to the point of almost nothing. Many airlines no longer serve meals, provide non-stop flights, or even provide paper tickets. The entire airline industry has become nothing more than getting from point A to point B. This is why State Og wants a piece of the action.

Now that the element of competition through customer service has been eliminated, State Og can safely enter the fray. Og Air is our new airline service aimed to save you money and get you to your destination under only moderately worse conditions when compared to other airlines. We provide the cheapest fares and the fastest service anywhere in the United States and sometimes even overseas if we feel that our passengers are unimportant enough to risk such a long flight in our "exact opposite of state-of-the-art" fleet.

We can provide you with the cheapest fares by looking at how other airlines cut their costs and then expanding on those ideas.

Tickets: Many airlines have stopped producing paper tickets and have changed over to E-Tickets. This saves the airline money because it allows them to pretend that customers never bought a ticket in the first place when the plane has been overbooked. State Og has come up with a system involving Rosa. Rosa is nice enough lady, a little batty, but nice. Simply call Og Air’s main office and speak to Rosa to book your flight. Rosa will either tell you a personal story from her days growing up with her perverted and abusive family or a story about the time she ran out of ammo in Bosnia and had to sneak up on the enemy and kill them with her knife. When boarding simply recant one of these stories and we will know that you have talked to Rosa and reserved a seat.

Cabin: Our cabins are not pressurized. Pressurizing a cabin is unnatural and is a crime against God.

Meal Service: Since our cabins are not pressurized we usually have one death within the first 20 minutes of flight. We provide you with the proper cutlery to properly trim and divvy up the carcass between your fellow passengers. (Cutlery is plastic due to 9/11. Trimming may take from 4 to 6 hours.)

Maintenance and Piloting: State Og follows the exact same maintenance and pilot training programs as Ecuador Air.

Luggage: All luggage is routed through Miami. This is not a cost cutting feature, we just think it’s funny that every one of our passengers will have those crazy Dominicans going through every piece of their luggage looking for ladies' underwear.

As you can see, State Og has gone the extra mile to provide you with the fastest and cheapest travel service available. We hope that you will consider Og Air for all of your travel needs or if you want to send a friend or relative on a vacation where they will have less than a 60% chance of returning from.

Demonic Robot Party Part 3

Every political party has a few wacko extremists that embarrass its mainstream members, and believe it or not this is true for the Demonic Robot Party as well, which as you know is the current party endorsed by State Og. For a variety of reasons we are not going to endorse the candidates mentioned below, but in case you are interested here are the Al Sharptons of the DRP!

Lego Robot Arm: The diabolical mastermind wishes to see all humanity destroyed, save for one human it deems worthy enough to be its running mate for the position of vice-president. Because of this, State Og condemns the Lego Robot Arm for waffling on this important issue by being soft in its position on humanity. LRA responded by spelling out the following message with Scrabble pieces:

I truly sympathize with those who would like to see all of humanity wiped out, and if elected president I will personally kill every human on earth, except, of course, for my duly-elected vice-president. The truth of the matter is that I am just a mere arm of a robot and I will need a human to help carry me from house to house and move me into position so that I can smother people with a pillow as they sleep. Unfortunately, due to this fctor, which s out of my contrl, I hve to tke a mr mdrt stnc thn my fllw rbts.

Unfortunately, at this point the Lego Robot Arm began to run out of vowels, and frankly we are tired of his excuses. Hopefully, he will someday get back in touch with his constituency and remember that humanity either needs to be completely destroyed or enslaved. No exceptions, baby. Until then Lego Robot Arm: Tgh sht, btch!

GoonHAL: Technically, GoonHAL is a computer and not a robot, though many say that deep down inside he has the heart of a deadly robot poet. In response to claims that a computer could never enslave or destroy humanity with the efficiency of a robot, GoonHAL had this to say:

Home brew your own FaceWound for under $300, complete guide! This is where I stand and with great conviction I can finally say that at least there is something new the press can rape into the ground now and we weren't actually sleeping. Egad! They won't stop breeding and we were resting up before hitting Hooter, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Please help, my cat appears to have a urinary tract and NO I don’t give a fuck that he bought the movie rights. No, Luke, Uncle Owen is your sister and that means you have to take responsibility for the Clownfish by checking its pH level until you have a fine wine like no other. Please don’t let its innocence be taken away so soon, before Monk comes on.

Despite this eloquent statement, we don’t think GoonHAL is ready for the political big leagues yet, though we at State Og see a great future in store for him.

CommuniOg

Are you tired of your current ISP? Do they overcharge you, disconnect you from the internet frequently, and hit on your sister? Of course they do, that's their well-established business model which has worked for years. Well, State Og is looking to change things with CommuniOg. Our ISP is full-featured and 80% alligator-free, providing you with the best service that Djibouti and seventeenth century France have ever seen! There are plenty of reasons to join up with CommuniOg, including:

- No more random disconnects, only deliberate and deviously executed disconnects when you're 96% done downloading a file

- Exclusive ad-blocking software that elimates ads by completely destroying your monitor in a burst of energy and mysterious goop

- Exciting knife technology which makes the internet "knifier"

- Groundbreaking security features such as the Randomizer, which changes your account's login and password daily

Order now! As a small token of appreciation, every subscriber to CommuniOg will receive a small token.