State Og Update: 11.15.03

State Og

Welcome to another installment of State Og: proudly using hammers to cure herpes since 1998. Thanks this week go to Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (the mic rulah, the old schoolah), Brett "nimmo" Hurban (makes the homies say ho) and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (makes the girlies wanna scream).

Deep Og (chess, not porn)

As you've no doubt read in the Chess section of your local newspaper, State Og has shocked the nerd world by pitting it's chess-playing supercomputer Deep Og against grand master Gary Kasparov. Our company has always fostered a deep interest in the thinking man's game, and wanted to create a computer which could truly compete with the unpredictable nature of a human brain. Given our vast resources and technical know-how (along with the copy of BattleChess 4000 that we warezed), it was only a matter of weeks before good old Deep Og was ready for it's first match.

And what a first match it was! Twelve moves into the game, Kasparov moved his Queen to B12, a move that was considered brilliant by all in attendance. That brilliance was cast in doubt, however, during Deep Og's next turn, in which the machine kicked Kasparov in the groin repeatedly. Without moving a single piece on the board, Deep Og then bellowed, "your turn, fleshbag." The judges on hand consulted the official rulebook to see if players could physically strike their opponent, but were stopped when Deep Og's heat beam not only vaporized the rulebook, but also removed their hands at the wrist. With no coherent judges to make a ruling one way or the other, the game had to go on.

A weeping Kasparov moved his rook to D7, a decision he would come to regret. Deep Og considered it's next move, then began considering reality itself. After coming to the realization that the entity known as Gary Kasparov could be expressed by the equation 3*(3 - A), the computer simply erased all evidence of the number 3 from it's memory banks, and in doing so changed the course of history so that Kasparov was never born. As you'll recall, Bobby Fischer won his first world championship by using this very same move.

The Only REAL Male Enhancement

You get dozens of male enhancement ads in your e-mail inbox everyday. We know because we send most of them. None of them work. We know because we manufacture most of them. However, we have finally come up with a workable solution. And in case you don't know: "male enhancement" means making your wang bigger.

The sad fact is that only surgery can change the fact that God hates your penis. And as we all know: God and surgery are in cahoots. Since surgery isn't always an option for most people, we set out to the task of enhancing males beyond anything they have ever been enhanced to before; without the needless cutting, snipping, and leaving a dirty rag inside of your body.

Our first idea involved complex mirror tricks to make the male genitalia appear larger. We decided against this because most people don't have the puppeteering skills needed to properly use this method. Our second option was obvious: Make the user look Asian.

Asian penii are notoriously small, and any woman dating an Asian man expects to have a miserably disappointing sex life. If you could fool a woman into thinking you are Asian then she will be more than excited to see your 5" giant when she has been spending nights wide awake convincing herself that she'll be happy with the 3" model.

We call our invention Cock-Asian. Cock-Asian is a pill designed to narrow the eyes of the user and is designed specifically for Caucasian men. Other races may take it as well, but they will look really weird. The idea is simple. Get a date using your hot European suave, and then start taking Cock-Asian after the first date. The unsuspecting woman will simply think that your almond eyes were something that she did not notice. Within one week Cock-Asian will fulfill both of your needs while allowing State Og to send sarcastic replies to the thousands of Asians who will undoubtedly be sending us letters of complaint. With Cock-Asian, we all win.

Re: Recall

Earlier today, State Og employees voted on the referendum to decide whether or not to fire the current State Og Representative, Dennis “Corin Tucker’s Stalker” Farrell. The recall effort was soundly defeated since, as it turned out, the whole thing was nothing more than a cunning ruse on his part. The reason? To find out who would vote against him in the event of a real election, and therefore needed to be shot in the back of the head. Unfortunately, as a result, State Og now only has seven employees left. The tragedy of the moment was captured in the simple words of agent Brett Hurban, who said at the scene, “Sorry I’m late, guys. I was caught in traffic, but I hope I’m not too late to cast my vote to get rid of that bastard? Holy shit! Why have all these people been shot in the back of the head?!?”

To improve team morale, Mr. Farrell will be inviting the surviving members of State Og one at time to his office, where they will discuss how to make Og a better company to work for, take a sensual bath together, and possibly get a free makeover. Hopefully, the makeover will make them seem more attractive to women and therefore increase the likelihood of them mating, creating offspring who can be shipped to countries where it is legal for infants to work as State Og employees. Just in case the makeover doesn’t work, a Taser and a bottle of roofies will be handed out to all remaining agents in order to help increase their luck in distributing their seed. Regardless, Og needs more workers. Since Farrell blew our massive budget on scented bath oils, we don’t have the funds available to even put out a small ad in the newspaper, so good luck and keep those Tasers charged, men.