State Og Update: 11.08.03

State Og

Once again you've been lured to State Og, this time with promises of interesting and educational facts. Here's one such fact, just so you don't feel too let down: If you were to lay every person in the world head-to-toe and measure them, you'd be a complete asshole that just wasted everyone's time. Thanks this week go to Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (bitten by a radioactive billionaire playboy) and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (mistakenly swallowed a ring that grants its swallower untold powers).

Office Memo: Reducing Stress in the Workplace

Working at State Og can be incredibly stressful at times, particularly for those employees whose offices reside on the Random Electrical Shock floor of our headquarters. As your superior, I would hate to see the strains of modern life accumulate until they eventually killed you, no matter how many times I've pinned you to the ground and angrily snarled that I would love to see the strains of modern life accumulate until they eventually killed you. Here are a few helpful suggestions I've compiled to make things easier around the workplace:

Knowing you're behind with paperwork can be extremely nerve-wracking. The solution? Do your work faster! To help motivate you, I will begin cutting off one of your fingers for every report that's turned in late. Once I run out of fingers, I'll simply carve crude, finger-like digits out of your palms. After that, I'll be forced to carve palms out of your wrists, then carve finger-like digits out of those.

Saunas have been historically proven as incredible relaxants, a fact that I'd be remiss to ignore. After much consideration, I've given the go-ahead to State Og's very first employee sauna! Starting next week, office temperatures will be raised to 120 degrees fahrenheit, and superheated rocks will be strewn across the floor to produce steam. Employees are still required to wear formal clothes, but must also wrap a towel around their midsection.

Do not play russian roulette during your lunch break. I know I'll be unpopular for taking games away from employees, but this has been the number one source of stress in the cafeteria, and the number two source of errant grey matter (number one source: Wednesday's Chili Surprise).

Are you still stressed out despite this helpful memo, and need to let off some steam? Punch Gary. Seriously, what else is he good for? I swear to God that I don't know what his job is even supposed to be. He just wanders around the office with that stupid face of his, digging through trash cans and wiping away at the windows for his own amusement while garbed in that hideous jumpsuit. GET TO WORK YOU FUCKING SLOB.

Those employees who take this memo to heart will find their workday much more pleasant, and those who don't will spend an eternity locked in coitus with Rosie O'Donnell as they burn in Hell.

Ogzilla Wins!

I am pleased to announce that State Og's mascot Godzilla has defeated the nation of Japan in the 52nd Annual Simulated Sneak Attack Exhibition Game.Year after year, our gigantic friend awakens from beneath the sea and kicks things off by randomly knocking over buildings and crushing people beneath his feet; their heads popping off as though they were toothpaste caps. But the simulation gets even better from there! Eventually Japan mobilizes the combined forces of it's army, concerned scientists, and schoolchildren. The battle that follows between the friendly rivals is always entertaining, and fans certainly get their money's worth. Or perhaps I should say the value of their now-demolished homes' worth. Although Japan usually finds some way to repel our lovable mascot, he manages to end the night in a peaceful undersea slumber. Meanwhile, Japan is inevitably left with nothing but burning rubble and numerous power lines that have been snapped apart. Decision: Godzilla. See you next year!

Eat Our Collective Penis, Kathie-Lee

You and your family want to go on a vacation, but there are so many interesting places to visit and fun ways of traveling that you’re having trouble making a decision. As is so often the case, State Og has the answer to your quandary, and this time your answer comes in the form of a cruise ship from State Og’s large fleet of luxury liners – formerly known as the State Og Navy – on which you will have the most adventurous vacation of your life. Choose State Og Cruises for your next vacation, before our roaming pressgangs choose it for you.

On our cruises, the fun begins the moment you come aboard, at which time you are handed a large jug of rum and mocked by the baggage porters until you finish off the bottle. Next, more rum will be handed out until eventually only one passenger is able to stand. He will be made the ship’s captain, and in the time-honored maritime tradition of State Og, he must abide by one simple rule as commander of one of our vessels: he must never stop drinking. Woe to the soon-to-be keelhauled son of a bitch captain who thinks he can get away without imbibing alcohol for more than five minutes! But don’t worry. Your first mate, armed with a funnel and an unlimited supply of Everclear, will make sure that if you pass out or go to sleep you won’t stop drinking, and thus unintentionally breaking our solemn rule.

The real fun begins after the ship sets off for the high sea, which we can assure you is a hell of a lot better than cruising around the medium or lower seas, like many of those other cruise ships like to do. And speaking of other ships, many cruise lines like trying to make you feel comfortable by providing things like lavish four-star meals, Las Vegas-like entertainment, or beds. While our ships have none of those things, they do have four main turrets with 18-inch guns and a compliment of cruise missiles. This means we can pretty much just get those things from any other cruise ships we come across. Since we like to lurk near the main routes used by most liners, there should be plenty of loot to go around.

State Og’s cruise ship vacations are quite possibly the most fun you can have without your clothes on, thanks to our ship (non)dress codes. Whether you stay onboard to challenge the captain in a duel of drunkenness, or jump gun-in-hand onto another ship to loot it with one of the away teams, you’ll undoubtedly find your State Og vacation a spiritually and monetarily enriching experience.