State Og Update: 10.25.03

State Og

Christmas came slightly early this year at the State Og offices. My holiday tradition of randomly firing employees while wearing nothing but a candy cane was observed Tuesday, much to the surprise of many employees and several penguins who had been teleported in just for the occasion. Thanks this week go to Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (attracted to shiny objects) and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (curses his highly reflective metallic body).

"You Know, For Kids!"

Keeping a company in the public's mind is a neverending battle, and we spend millions each year in an attempt to keep "State Og" household words as common as "kudzu" and "incest". While a good commercial or an autonomous rampaging billboard can go a long way, the real key to success in the battle for name recognition is a catchy slogan. Something that captures what a company is all about while appealing to as many age demographics as possible. To this end, State Og's marketing division has narrowed down their list of potential upcoming slogans. We want you to write in and let us know which of the following is your favorite, the reasons why, and whether or not you have firearms in your home to protect yourself from a group of hypothetical attackers.

State Og: We can pretty much get into your house whenever we want

According to science, State Og is incapable of flight. Science is a bastard and killed my father.

You're in large, metallic hands of questionable motives with State Og

If you sue us over the makeup incident, you'll have to show up in public with that horribly scarred face. It's just not worth it.

State Og is "Go Etats!" spelled backwards (printed alongside our mascot Etats, the loveable and playful vagina)

Sure we wiped out Malaysia, but it's actually kind of funny when you think about it!

State Og: You're inhaling it right now

We can't get away with it, you say? My dear Bond, I do believe we already have!

You can trust us, we're probably human.

The effects of our satellite-operated global pain ray are only temporary. Your love of State Og is forever, and mandatory.

State Og: Fighting against the Venusians for your right to party since 1987

Creating a Safer Halloween

As a guy in a commercial once said, children are our future. We at State Og have to agree, because kids obviously aren’t our present, that’s for sure. At least not until our lobbyist can pull enough strings to change all those needless child labor laws. Anyways, children are our future and that means they need to be protected until they reach the legal age to work inside one of our numerous diamond mines. To clarify I mean one of our enormous seven-foot high, twenty-foot wide landmines made out of diamonds, designed to blow up those big sand crawler things that jawas like to roam the desert in while looking for droids.

But I digress, children need to be protected and State Og, as the diligently committed champion of something-or-other, intends to make the world a safer place for your offspring by introducing the first real life superhero. Just the other week, we discovered how to imbue a man with supernatural powers – though we were actually trying to torture an industrial spy (named Tony) by injecting every known chemical and bits of radioactive material directly into his brain and testicles – and now were are ready to release him into the world. Thanks to all those chemicals, Tony is now extremely strong, can fly, shoot death rays from his eyes and frankly is a little ticked off at us. But that’s ok, because he only has about five or six functioning neurons left in his head, thanks to an injection of a mysterious chemical known as Windex. As a result, he’s been pretty easy to trick into thinking we aren’t really State Og agents, and are in fact his rescuers.

Tony looked so cute sitting there in the torture room, drooling and grunting responses to our questions, that we didn’t have the heart to conclude the “interrogation” session with the usual act of throat slitting. So, after a dozen gunshots to his head we realized he was now bulletproof, and that’s when we got the idea to try making a superhero of Tony. To test his potential as a superhero, we’re going to release Tony on the public this Halloween, so he can protect all the little trick-or-treaters from anything that looks like a monster, or a monster disguised as a child disguised as a monster. Since he’s itching for vengeance and we’ve told him State Og is very much behind not just his torture but responsible for all the monsters that wander around at night, we expect Tony to strike a mighty blow against all monster-kind and their supporters this Halloween.