State Og Update: 10.18.03

State Og, Starring Kevin Bacon

The offices have been rather subdued lately, in spite of "Three Pairs of Pants Tuesdays", which were designed solely to boost morale. If the mood doesn't pick up around here soon, I may be forced to reinstate "someone's getting poked in the eye - HARD" Fridays. Thanks this week go to Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (hates it when the other guys), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (finish his), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (sentences).

Rockin' The Suburbs

State Og's dedication to maximizing the parental vicarious experience has always been and will continue to be described as "stoopid fresh" by homeboys and homegirls worldwide. Nobody busts ass like we bust our collective corporate ass to ensure that our clients' children are the best at whatever special talent is forced upon them. Our efforts ensure that the loins which spawned those little troopers are extra wonderful, much like Moses' or Ghandi's own saintly loins.

Thus the opening of State Og's brand new Captain Cacophony School of Sound is bound to delight suburban losers everywhere! Investing a child's time in CCSS is an investment in musical genius. That's right; we at Og Offices are so confident in the Captain Cacophony School of Sound that we guarantee every graduate who does not suffer an untimely and mysterious death will leave the CCSS a Mozart, or at least a Handel. How can we make such lofty and elevated claims? Simple: confidence. We have confidence that our strict training regimen could turn a tone-deaf hunk of concrete into a gore-splattered pile of virtuoso violinist dust, so turn your kid over and let the magic happen!

What sort of voodoo witchery do we perform to get such amazing results, you ask? You won't see any kindly old ladies teaching scales and taking students to the back for wild sex romps at Captain Cacophony! No, we use good old-fashioned brutality and terror, the building blocks of great nations everywhere! Our instruments are fashioned out of the bones, teeth and skin of failed students, serving both as a motivation tool and low-cost source of quality musical implements! That's State Og efficiency! Our 4320-string piano is a beautiful monstrosity, and your child will master it even if we have to nail their arms in place. It's tough discipline, butfunfair. The piano is only one of the many instruments we offer instruction in. Our tuba weighs four tons, smells funny and excretes horrifying juices when played, but it sounds sweeter than a Japanese schoolgirl in a tentacle factory! Also, our drums scream a lot more than normal drums!

If our cruel and unusual brand of education fails to inspire musical skill or cardiac arrest we always have a final solution: feeding the child's soul to the Dark Lord Su'rag'nish Johnson! Dark Lord Johnson survives on the souls of the young, and in return for his ethereal treat he fills the cold, empty darkness with a seed of pure untainted talent, and also evil! After that experience, any time not spent singing in tongues is used banging away at various instruments long after youthful flesh has been flayed away from the bone from constant abuse. Now that's something to be proud of!

Artistic success is never easy, and it always requires sacrifice. Sign your kids up at the Captain Cacophony School of Sound so that you don't have to put up with that crap.

Engine Warning: Check Rectum

One day in the future, man will travel to the stars; not in spaceships made out of metal or even hemp, but living organic spaceships, as foretold by great science fiction series such as Farscape, Lexx, and Night Court. While the concept of living spaceships is far off into the future, you can now buy your very own living car, thanks to State Og! That’s right, you could be sliding into the mucous coated interior of your own biological automobile right now. And it’s not just organic. It’s much better than that: it’s OGanic!

How many miles does our new organic car get per gallon of gasoline? Gasoline? What’s gasoline? With our new OGanic Car, you’ll never be forced to buy a drop of any petroleum product again. The OGanic Car runs not on gas but food, and it defines food as anything slower than itself. Just let it roam freely at night and not only will you wake to a car with a full tank, but a neighborhood free of the weak and infirm!

Don’t be fooled into thinking that just because the OGanic Car is fuel efficient that it lacks power. It’s capable of attaining speeds that are faster than any sane person would ever want to go, and thanks to it’s cold-blooded metabolism, on hot summer days you may find yourself inadvertently attaining those speeds.

The OGanic Car simply oozes style in addition to a wide variety of fluids, so be different and get your own OGanic Car. It’s the only car grown in a vat and brought to life using dark incantations to Satan. Go out and get one now, before we run out of virgin blondes to sacrifice to the Dark One, and can’t make anymore!

Nev-R-Sleep

If you're anything like the writers here at State Og, you're up at all hours of the night, working hard to get important projects done and important people killed. As the hours march on and fatigue begins to set in, your work takes a nosedive, and often times you're forced to go to sleep. What the hell, God? Once you've tried all the usual methods of attempting to stay awake (caffiene pills, genital pinchers which leave unsightly marks, NyQuil), you begin to consider sleeping at night like normal people. Well hold that crazy thought, mister crazy guy!

State Og's brand new Nev-R-Sleep is here to solve all of your problems, and possibly introduce some exciting new ones! Simply dip the applicator into the bottle and apply to your eyelids. Within minutes the active ingredient (hint: rhymes with "mulfuric macid") goes to work, eating away at those pesky flaps of useless skin! Never again will you fall asleep on the job, doze off at home, or walk into a restaurant without hearing a collective gasp and the breaking dishes. Your productivity will skyrocket, along with your sensitivity to the whore of a natural force that is called "wind".

Kids! Buy two bottles, and be the star of your next sleepover! Waking someone up by spraying shaving cream on their palm and nose is so passe.