State Og Update: 09.27.03

State Og: 30th Anniversary Edition

Our best china is on the table and we're wearing our Speedos with the little bow ties on them, which can only mean one thing: I forgot what that thing is. Sorry. Thanks this week go to Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (faster than a speeding bullet after it's been pulled over), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (able to leap over buildings with the assistance of enormous amounts of hallucinogens).

It's Not TV, It's... Yeah, It's Just TV

At State Og we have two great passions: sports and reality television. We love to watch pathetic little worms scrape for a chance to be the best pathetic worm of the pathetic bunch. It's the thrill of competition! That's why this fall satellite owners nationwide will be able to order SportOg, the world's first sports / reality TV hybrid channel!

Finally all the fun of vicariously enjoying manly competition from the comfort of your home has been combined with huge gangs of losers willing to do anything for a bit of notoriety! If that's not your cup of tea maybe you should go back to China, commie! In the non-ass-backwards nations we'll be enjoying nonstop grit, sweat, blood and miserable pandering for the benefit of the camera!

For too long the world of professional sports has been polluted by the spirit of mutual respect and fair play. No more! On SportOg, our athletes' deeply rooted personal problems and social dysfunctions are out in the open and on the playing field! Thrill to the endless tirades directed toward the goalie every time they give up a point! Swoon as you discover who's going to be sent back to the locker room… with Carmen Electra! Mess up your pants as you watch the players eat bugs at half time, FOR NO REASON AT ALL!

Our line-up is already stuffed to bursting, like a moving van packed floor to ceiling with the brutalized corpses of rejected reality sport show candidates. Actually, not like that, we're not even sure what made us say that. Check out these great shows:

I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! - Soccer and marriage collide with wholesome results! There's just something about running around a giant field for hours and / or a gang of gold digging whores clambering for attention that really does it for us. Two dozen eligible young ladies vie for the right to marry an Og-approved Mormon. Bring on that polygamy!

Celebrity Baby Bowling! - Watch as regular Joes bowl using the newborn children of Hollywood's elite as pins! Seeing the expressions on those famous faces as they stare in horror and strain against their restraints is almost enough to make us remember love!

Run From The Serial Rapist! - The stodgy old sport of track is about to get a violating forced injection of attitude thanks to our omnipresent lineman! We've gone to great lengths to acquire the services of an actual serial rapist, totally unreformed and ready to rape again. Long before the starter pistol goes off you'll see people run like they've never run before, and we'll periodically stop to ask them how they feel about it! In this sport, there is no winner, just one loser!

First Base! - Just like baseball, only the contestant must perform the act associated with each base! We're happy to announce that retired Philly John Kruk has generously offered to play first, second, and third baseman, and will also serve as the catcher and a few umpires! What a trooper!

Order SportOg today and Turn On Excitement... For Real!

Warning: Stupidity Ahead

It will probably come as a surprise to learn that State Og is the target of lawsuits on a frequent basis. As a matter of fact, a number of our evil slackjawed customers (and several evil families of slackjawed customers who were killed by our products) took us to court recently in a massive and frivolous class-action lawsuit. In response to the Earth vs. State Og case being filed, we hired the very finest lawyer that $200 and a case of Turtle Wax per week could buy: Leonard J. Crabs. A brilliant and peculiar-smelling man, Crabs was able to use every ounce of his well-honed intellect to find the courthouse. Unfortunately, that turned out to be his crowning achievement.

Due to our inevitable loss in Earth vs. State Og (which Crabs assures us was a actually a tremendous victory if you squinted and turned your head a little while looking at it), we have been forced to place warning labels on a number of our problematic products. Here then, in accordance with our legal obligations, are a few images you'll be seeing in the months ahead on your favorite State Og items.

First up is a label you'll find on our top-selling lines of frozen foods, non-frozen foods, and should-be-frozen-but-wasn't foods. I suppose it serves as a warning to those of you who are allergic to the ingredient in question, or something.

You may think this next label is stating the impossible. Keep in mind, however, that anything is possible with your friends at State Og.

There is absolutely no evidence to prove that the next label is true, no matter what dozens of indisputable photographs may try to trick you into thinking.

We don't even understand this label for our Japanese-made items, but during a conference call our foreign warehouses agreed with it wholeheartedly, and also enthusiastically agreed that we were all on the phone.

We're being forced to put these stickers on our products, but haven't been given instructions as to exactly where they have to go. You'll find this next label printed on the inside of our delicious Og-O's cereal boxes, in a spot that's easy to see once you've folded the box inside out.

Finally we come to the most ridiculous label of them all.

As if the entire lawsuit wasn't absurd in the first place, that last label is a flat-out lie. I mean, there has never been a single incident in which one of our luxury vehicles hit a duck. People? Yes. Art museums? Definitely. Duck-billed platypii? All the fucking time. Never a duck, though.