State Og Update: 08.23.03

Saturday Morning State Og

State Og has returned to Saturday this week in a bold move that tv star Flipper would call "Eeek-eeek! Waaaaark!" before doing a backflip and playfully splashing you. Thanks this week go to: Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (humor's equivalent of Darryl Strawberry) and Brett "nimmo" Hurban (State Og's equivalent of Brett "nimmo" Hurban).

10-10-Call-Og

Are you tired of long distance phone companies that charge too much, listen in on your conversations, and take mustard from your fridge at night? You should consider switching to State Og's new long distance service, where our motto is, "We've got plenty of mustard, we won't take any of yours!" In fact, we have an eerily large surplus of the delicious condiment, so we might need to use your fridge as a storage unit. Don't worry, we already know how to get into your house, and we won't wake you.

State Og's prices are competitive, because we know you want the most bang* for your buck. Our rates are slightly lower than the rates of ALL our competitors' combined into one monstrous rate, with phallic tentacles probing for your money and your schoolgirl daughter! Don't believe me? Just ask Peter Hayward, professional elephant wrestler:

"YEEARRRGH! GET IT OFF! SWEET FANCY MOSES, IT SAT RIGHT ON ME! THIS ELEPHANT IS SERIOUSLY HEAVY! SHIT!"

That it is, Pete. That it is. You've heard the testimonials, now switch to State Og today!

* "bang" signifies accidental detonation of your phone while placing a call

Hunt Club For Men

A few months ago, a new and interesting business popped up in Las Vegas. After paying a nominal fee, customers were given paintball guns and let loose in a private field to hunt their fierce prey: naked women. At State Og, we have to wonder... why stop there? Why not give customers more for their dollar?

When you come to State Og's Hunt Club, we'll supply you with the shiniest paintball guns available and deliver you via helicopter to a hunting ground where you can truly show your prowess: the slums of Detroit. Here you can choose to prey upon gang members, insane homeless people, homeless gang members, and the oddly effeminate ghost of Henry Ford!

No more shooting at braindead strippers who have no self respect or enough common sense to wear eye protection! You're a REAL man, and you hunt REAL people with REAL guns that shoot paint! Please note that State Og is not responsible in any way for the REAL injuries you'll most definitely suffer.

Burt's Safety Plans

Our spokesman Burt Reynolds gives us a sobering tip this week which I'm positive will save millions of lives. I'll hold you back no longer, because you simply must read:

Burt's Safety Plan #5

"The best way for a man to lead a healthy life and avoid STDs is to never have sex with women, since no method of protection is 100% fail-safe. Instead, simply have sex with other men. The sooner you realize that vaginas are nature's mouse traps, the better off you'll be."

Kamikazbee

Nobody likes having bees in their yard. After all, a bee menacing your garden can turn a group of lovely flowers into emotionless death beacons. Now we have found a way to use a bee's nonsensical lust for pollen against them with "Kamikazbee". Everyone knows that a bee can sting only once, and then it dies. State Og has found a way to use this natural weakness to your advantage.

Simply apply one drop of "Kamikazbee" onto a few flowers and wait. When a bee lands on an infected flower, it will become enraged as well as gain very articulate speaking skills. It then will fly back to the hive and whip all the others into a fury. Soon every bee in the hive will amass and set out for something to sting. Once all the bees have stung something they will perish and the queen will die of loneliness and starvation.

Warning: Do not use "Kamikazbee" if you are allergic to bees. If this is the case then it is recommended that you kill them with your bare hands by firmly grasping the nest between both hands and crushing it forcibly.