State Og Update: 06.14.03

Something is Rotten in the State of Og

State Og's writers are an eccentric and reclusive bunch. Typing away in isolated cabins and undersea lairs, they provide you with the latest in the world of Og. Some would say they're hiding from the authorities after committing horrendous crimes, but we disagree strongly with those people. And when we disagree, we tend to do so with bullets. So it would be in your best interest to remember that they are simply eccentric writers who never kidnapped an entire nursing home just to see what would happen when it was dropped into an active volcano. Thanks this week go to: Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (flew around the world inside of a helium balloon and talked funny for weeks afterwards), Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (swam across the Atlantic, then realized it was only Atlantic Avenue and he had held up traffic for two hours), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (left his house this one time, it was pretty weird).

Scientists Are Neat

When you hear the words “State Og Agent,” what is the first image to enter your mind? Is it the cheerful picture of our spirited salesmen, ready to dish out heaping helpings of savings with a smile and perhaps even a gun -or gun-like organ- pointed at your head? Or do think of our friendly and warmhearted Yakuza, who may have visited you as they travel door-to-door, accepting money for “protection” to ensure your children don’t have any “accidents” and end up with their head(s) skewered on a pike in the middle of town to serve as an example to others? While Salesmen and Yakuza are the State Og agents you’re most likely to meet wandering around your town, there are Og employees that you don’t see as often who deserve your cheers and accolades. None are more important than our scientists. Yes, without our teams of skilled men (and various mutated crocodiles and otters) of science who research and develop products like ChiliBlast (our foodless chili substitute) or study how words like “accidents” appear much more intimidating when placed between quotation marks, State Og would not be where we’re at today.

To honor these great scientists, we declare June 15th as State Og Corporate Scientist Day to celebrate the major strides that science has made for our business. I know some of you are planning on celebrating “Fathers’ Day” this Sunday, but unless father is a State Og scientist, can you really say he’s done anything worthwhile? Sure you wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for him, but is a day of celebration really warranted because some guy screwed your mother without adequate birth control? Obviously if you're reading this, your father never even came near an Og brand condom, since people who get within a ten-foot radius of our condoms tend to conceive children without eyes.

So remember this Sunday when you see a State Og scientist (discernable by their stylish white lab coat with matching red, white and black armbands), don’t be shy about running up and giving him a great big hug! Or at least have the courtesy to not push him away when he begins dry-humping you.

The Permanent Virtual Pet

We can all remember those cute little virtual pets, the egg-shaped pieces of plastic with a small display where you could see your tiny pixilated bundle of joy. You had to feed your pet, play with him, bathe him, and so on. People became very attached to their virtual pets, and often became very sad when they died. But what happens when Lolo dies? You reset and create Lolo anew. That doesn't seem right to us. Lolo was an irreplaceable individual; you can't just reset her.

That is why we have invented the Permanent Virtual Pet. PVP operates just like any other virtual pet. You have to feed it, bathe it, and love it; but the difference is that once PVP dies, it stays dead, and haunts you. PVP will begin to flash threatening messages on your computer and ask why you didn't love him enough. He will send you e-mails from beyond the grave proclaiming that he is waiting for you to join him. Some PVPs have even been able to materialize using a process we frankly don't understand.

But the fun doesn't end there! PVP will kill off all of your other Virtual Pets out of jealousy. He will intercept and read all of your mail. He will try to convince your boss to fire you. PVP is not a reusable toy like other Virtual Pets. PVP demands that you love him, and he will not forget you if you didn't.

Lug Someone To Work Day

In an effort to make the workplace a more relaxed environment and bring people's families into the fold, many businesses have taken to national "Bring Your Daughter to Work Day", or some variant thereof. While this is truly touching in a way (the "not touching at all" way), State Og believes it can do better. It also believes that all vegetables should be bioengineered to contain meat and adorable faces which will make vegetarians starve themselves into oblivion, but that's another matter.

Deciding to one-up everyone else, State Og has unveiled the following scheduled holidays. Holidays of our favorite variety, in which people not only have to stay at work, but they must drag in additional people to provide labor at no cost to us.

Bring Your Dead Relative to Work Day - Who says the dead can't work? We'll hook grandpa up to a state of the art artificial intelligence exoskeleton, and let him loose on the loading docks... or the local elementary school! If your relatives are too badly decomposed to be strapped into the 2 ton behemoth, we'll simply put them to good use in office pranks; mixing their ashes in with coffee grinds! Your buddies will wonder why the coffee tastes like Aunt Susy, and you'll wonder how the hell they know what she tastes like!

Bring Your Incredibly Slutty Daughter to Work Day - Do it.

Bring Your Random Person Off the Street Day - While we have a soft spot for bums at State Og, we'll really take anyone you run into. Police officers, businessmen, your coworker's slutty daughter, they're all welcome. We don't care how you get them into the office, and to be honest we'd prefer there to at least be a little bloodshed. Or maybe an elaborate ruse involving pyrotechnics and people in Bigfoot costumes. Now that I think about it, a raise will be given to the employee who brings in a real Bigfoot. The raise will be larger if he is able to shoot fire out of his hands, or fly. Bigfoot would be cool and all, but if he could fly it'd REALLY freak people out.

Burt's Safety Plans

We last heard from our public spokesperson Burt Reynolds nearly four months ago, which is entirely too long for the public to go without his helpful hints for leading a safer life. More importantly, he's been collecting a paycheck from State Og this entire time, so we decided to make him work for it. After sending our Og Shock Troopers on a worldwide manhunt, we found Burt in a Mexican-run Chinese restaurant in Illinois. Under the influence of opium, he thought that he was an ex-cop turned bounty hunter by the name of Lorenzo Lamas who had been framed for murder, and was after the one man who could clear his name.

After subjecting Mr. Reynolds to detox and several dozen showers, we took him home and put him to work. Now, finally, the end to the entire saga is here. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Burt Reynolds.

Burt's Safety Plan #3

"Never trust a mechanic named Pubes with your car. Furthermore, never get drunk and trust a mechanic named Pubes with a fragile glass jar full of the experimental SARS disease you've been working on for the past ten years."