State Og Update: 05.25.03

State Og: Who Knew Scurvy Was So Contagious, Or So Funny for That Matter?

When not at Og headquarters working hard in the name of progress, our editorial staff can be found on the company's pirate boat: swashbuckling, pillaging, and raping in the name of progress. Thanks this week go to: Michael "Slash And Burn" Hollenbeck (having his pegnose sanded), Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (searching for the combination to Davey Jones' locker), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (ingeniously painting a red X on a treasure chest before burying it, eliminating the need for a map), Matt "Krang" Eckert (teaching his parrot not to sing showtunes), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (scrubbing the entire boat after he took mistook "poop deck" as a literal term).

State Og Doesn't Want to Hurt You, Baby

Here at State Og, we like to think that we're in the love business. Our bread and butter may come from the slave trade and hiding of toxic waste in chocolate snack cakes, but it's the rich and rewarding relationship with our customers that really keeps us going through the fourteen hour days and the constant barrage of gunfire from FBI snipers. We care.

That's what makes moments like these so hard for us. If it was up to us, we wouldn't come busting through your front door to beat you with sticks, barbecue your dog, and laugh so hard that sometimes we pee a little. We may be laughing on the outside, but on the inside we're like sad clowns that don't have any children to touch. It's the worst part of the job, really, except the part where it's your turn in the barrel and... well, never mind that. We're sorry, but you left us no choice. You forced our hand into a raised position, and we had no choice but to bring it right back down upside your head.

Aw, don't be like that. State Og doesn't want to hurt you, baby. State Og loves you. You know how we get when you call the customer service number and demand service like we owe it to you or something, but you didn't stop to think about it, you just went on and on about losing a finger and then had the nerve to blame it on one of our products. We even gave you fair warning.

"But what about my finger?" you asked. Well, what about my finger? You're selfish, baby, and we have to correct that. It's for your own good. Do you understand now? The bruises and smell of burning dogflesh will fade away, but the love of Og will still be there.

That's right, baby. You just behave and everything will be all right. We promise. Now come over here and give State Og some sugar.

Spider Sense... Tingling!

At State Og our efforts to provide clients with revolutionary new advances in health care never fail to turn up something amazingly dangerous... dangerously healthy! That's why we're proud to announce that our top secret proctology research lab has finally produced something other than hilarious video clips that circulate on the Internet. Yes, at long last we've found the silver bullet for all your colon woes, unless you've been shot in the colon with a silver bullet!

What is this incredible new discovery, you ask? First, picture the average American colon; packed with dense waste, full of toxins, one more steak away from forming a nasty tumor. It's a bad scene for everybody involved! The only thing to be done about this situation is to throw that old colon away and get a new one, right? Not so fast! State Og is here to be the salvation of your ass, with the introduction of the Spider-Enema! When you undergo this procedure at any one of our Ez-Og convenience stores nationwide, your rectum will be stuffed to the limit with hundreds of high-quality live spiders! Those voracious little buggers will eat anything to stay alive, cleaning you out in no time! It's like having an ass full of spiders! The procedure is sure to be long lasting, as we've been having a hell of a time getting them all out again, and a few dozen of them are sure to lay some eggs!

Our market research has shown that some people aren't too keen on the prospect of inserting a multitude of spiders into their nether regions. Therefore we've come up a happy alternative for those whiners, as the procedure is also available in centipede and garter snake!

Still not sold on the Spider-Enema? State Og is prepared to sweeten the deal by paying royalties to those of you willing to be videotaped for the purposes of selling the recording to the Japanese porn industry! Help us help you help Japanese perverts!

Clean up your act and other things today with a State Og Spider-Enema!

Pre-emptive Memorials

In the spirit of this upcoming Memorial Day, we at State Og would like to celebrate the memory of all the brave men and women who sacrificed their lives while working for us. As much as we would “like” to do this, we are not going to. This year we are not going to dwell on the past and talk about State Og employees who died in the line of duty, but rather focus on those who have been assigned hopelessly dangerous “special assignments” and will undoubtedly be dead within a week.

Agent Elcybergoth: There are few people in this world endowed with the superior combat prowess and sense of loyalty as Agent Elcybergoth, both of which he demonstrated a short time ago after coming to the rescue of none other than State Og CEO and International playboy, Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell. As fate would have it, Agent Elcybergoth came across Mr. Farrell being attacked by a large leopard which Elcybergoth, without concern for his own safety, accosted and then killed with his own bare hands. Unfortunately, as things turned out it wasn’t a real leopard, but Mr. Farrell’s lover dressed in a leopard suit, and he wasn’t technically being “attacked.”

Currently, Elcybergoth will soon be assigned to the USS Pestilence, which is a working prototype for the new space shuttle replacement Og is making for NASA. He was told that he will be testing the Tang-Dispenser, to make sure it will work in zero-gravity. What he doesn’t know is, he will in fact be testing our new Tang-Dispenser/Self-Destruct device, to make sure it will work in zero-gravity.

Agent Nimmo: Nimmo is one of our most enthusiastic and energetic go-getters. State Og can always count on him to take the initiative and perform whatever task is required. Agent Nimmo didn’t hesitate to raise his hand when Agent Elcybergoth walked into a meeting room at Og headquarters and said, “Hey, I’m going to test that new space shuttle. Who wants to be my copilot? I hear we’ll get free Tang!”

Agent Vengeance Otter: Wait a minute! How the hell did I get on this list? I better bring this up with the boss, Mr. Farrell. He’s been awfully agitated lately. All I’ve heard is that he’s worried about his “secret getting out.” Whatever that means, I'm sure it's nothing.

The name of the “leopard” was Bruce, by the way.

Invisible Time-Traveling Raider Unleashed in LA, State Og Really Sorry

We here at State Og try to keep a close watch on all of the monsters we hold captive within the State Og Monster Ranch in southern Kentucky. Our escape record looked good, with only seven hundred casualties resulting from monster attacks, up until recently that is. We would like to take a moment and apologize for unleashing the Invisible Time-Traveling Raider in Los Angeles County this past Thursday. In order to combat the raider, we need you to have as much knowledge about him as possible so that we can bring him safely back to the State Og Time Cell. The cell neutralizes his powers and houses other Time Criminals such as Merlin the All-Powerful and the cast of That 70’s Show. (Tours tickets are on sell year round: adult - $7, child - $5.)

The first thing you need to know about the Invisible Time-Traveling Raider is his secret attack: going back in time and killing the parents of his enemies. Unfortunately, his enemies range from his nemesis Grodan the World Destroyer to Steve the Guy Walking on the Street Over There. However, the raider has a distinctive scent: just like a breeze of fresh air. This makes him incredibly easy to detect in L.A. If you smell such a fragrance, we advise that you drop to the ground and crawl to a place of shelter until you again smell only a putrid odor, signaling that danger has passed.

Another method we have to combat the Invisible Time-Traveling Raider is that we do not merely stop existing when he kills our parents; we start to fade away, limb by limb, as evidenced in the movie trilogy Back to the Future starring Michael J. Fox. In a wacky turn of events, like the antagonist in Back to the Future, the raider also detests manure. We suggest that you spread enough on yourself to cover at least the exposed parts of your body. Encourage your friends to do so as well, as this monster could strike any of you at any time.

There is one way to put the Invisible Time-Traveling Raider out of commission for a few hours (plenty of time for State Og to arrive on the scene): [omitted due to State Og editorial word limits]. Only with your help will we succeed in bringing this monster back to where he belongs.

State Og: Helping Geeks Make Friends

Meeting new people can be hard when you're a geek. It often involves leaving the house, finding a place with people who share similar interests as you, then going back to your house because you forgot your wallet. Who needs all that hassle? State Og understands your pain, and rolls a saving d20!

When you sign up for our "Meeting People is Easy" program, you'll be thrown headfirst into the world of socializing and will crack your skull wide open on the pavement of friendship! Forget those annoying journeys into the harsh sunlight; our armored geekywagon will drive through your living room wall and you'll be escorted into the vehicle by our courteous staff. From there it's a short and relatively painless trip to the Geek Processing Plant, where the back end of the geekywagon will rise and spill you out, down a twenty foot slope and into the Socializing Pit. Assuming you survive the fall, you'll now be face to face (or crotch) with hundreds of geeks like yourself! By keeping everyone so close to one another, we feel that we promote social interaction.

As you converse about such intriguing topics as Han Solo shooting Greedo first, you'll notice that the floor of the Socializing Pit is actually a conveyor belt, and that the door to what seems to be a gigantic furnace awaits you at the end. Have no fear! This is simply a very well lit internet cafe, where you and your newfound friends can hop online and talk to each other without all that annoying eye contact. No, really, there's no furnace! Coincidentally, your evening ends here.

Join our Meeting People Is Easy program today and learn what it's like to be befriended! Note: according to the State Og thesaurus, "incinerated" is a synonym for "befriended".