State Og Update: 04.26.03

State Og: Bigger Than Half-Life 2 and Xtreme Paintbrawl Combined!

This week State Og finds itself at odds with a former ally, and also finds 37 missing employees now dead behind the cushions of our highly experimental "Really Big Couch." Thanks this week go out to: Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (convicted of: statutory jaywalking), Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (possession of a bike with intent to sell), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (stealing third base), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (attempting to park in a fire zone without a car).

Rock on With State Og!

State Og is proud to announce their sponsorship of the Monsters of Third World Heavy Metal tour. We feature only the finest musical talent offered by exotic underdeveloped nations, with a world view gained only through a lifetime of watching scores of people die from hunger and disease.

We've packed entire villages of famine-struck natives into tiny cargo ships, ensuring that only the strongest survive to rock all night long! Each Monsters of Third World Heavy Metal act is guaranteed to be a once in a lifetime performance, often literally! All the classics will be performed, including:

- So Hungry, So Hungry, Satan Give Me Food
- The Lord of the Flies Needs to Keep His Minions Off My Face
- Rock & Roll Race Riot
- Hot For Malaria
- Please Let This Sham of a Life End
- Stairway To Heaven

Be the envy of all your friends as you show off authentic Monsters of Third World Heavy Metal merchandise, hand crafted by the bands themselves!

Don't delay, order tickets now! Only $640.00! *

*ticket price does not include food, water, bathroom privileges,
treatment for snakebite wounds or respect for human rights

Beauty Tips

After a recent public opinion poll, we have learned that State Og is frowned upon for its lack of effort in catering to the interests of women. Also, after a poll within our executive lounge, we have learned that most of our executives feel that most women are getting fat and ugly. Is there a way to solve both of these problems? Yes, there is.

As a public service, State Og will now be sending free newsletters out to residents of particularly ugly neighborhoods. Our staff has been going through every yearbook we can find to weed out the most hideous graduating classes from the last 5 years, and will be sending out the first brochures of beauty tips very shortly.

Now, we realize that most ugly people are also poor, and cannot afford the excellent products and procedures that can make them look less alien. Our 36 vice presidents also point out that such girls usually have the largest natural breasts and it would be a shame to waste them. We sympathize with them. That's why our beauty tips require only cheap household goods in order to
work properly.

Here's an example from one of our brochures:

Do you have unsightly blemishes? Of course you do. That's why were sending you this. Did you know that simply applying battery acid to your pimples, warts, and clitoris will make all your problems disappear overnight?

What about your scent? Aren't perfumes expensive? We will teach you how to make your own. Simply take an empty 1-gallon container and fill it halfway with orange juice, and half with gasoline. Apply liberally and then be ready to set your male friends on fire with your new ultra sexy smell.

More to come in the next mailing. Have fun looking good, ladies!

Forensic Scientology

Anyone who watches the Discovery Channel, Learning Channel or the Hitler Channel knows that shows about forensic science and police procedures are really popular right now. And we all know what it means when something is popular, don't we? That's right, State Og is going to jump on the bandwagon and cash in.

Our first product on this subject will be a book authored by none other than State Og's very own reptilian man-flesh-eating monster, Mr. Chuckles, who wrote the first draft of the manuscript after drinking a couple pints of cheap whiskey he found in the stomach of a wino. (Why whiskey was found inside the wino, and not wine, is a mystery which Chuckles is still investigating.) The book is entitled Forensic Science: How Criminals Get Caught and How You Can Learn From Their Mistakes.

Below are a few samples of the things you'll learn in the book.

* Learn about how DNA evidence is a sham. Police and district attorneys perpetuate this myth because they don't want you to know the horrible truth: your semen is a corrosive liquid that can destroy evidence. Remember to apply liberally on murder weapons, places where you left fingerprints, and bodies.

* Do the police want to "ask you a few questions" about how local prostitutes start disappearing whenever you move into an area? Well this book has interview strategies for you! We even have tips on how to conceal the embarrassing erection you get when people ask you questions about how your mother died under "mysterious circumstances."

Syndicate Wars

It saddens me to report that State Og has been forced to launch a holy war against our former ally Arlogeist GmbH, and its two leaders in particular: Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons and Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka, if those are even their real middle names. As you read this we have already begun our first wave of suicide bombings, surprise bombings, bombings which both parties agreed to take place at a specific time and location for everyone's convenience, and lite bombings which contain 50% less fat.

Why has this unfortunate situation been brought about? Arlogeist GmbH recently unveiled its Einsatzwagen line of automobiles aimed at dictators and sociopaths, knowing full well that State Og has had this market cornered for months. After all, everyone is now familiar with the State Og Bastard Chariot, and the catchy slogan attached to it:

"Run over your political competition, peasants, and large deer... all while maintaining the most incredibly smooth ride that blood money can buy!"

While Arlogeist GmbH has befriended us in the past, State Og can not sit idly by since we do not know the meaning of friendly competition. We only know the meaning of "survival", "Columbian neckties", and "onomatopoeia." The last word isn't really relevant at all, but we're very proud of our extensive vocabulary. Since I still consider Lowtax and Zack friends and would rather see them suffer than die outright, I'll part with a suggestion for them: stock up on State Og Brand Platypus Anti-Venom.

- State Og Representative