State Og Update: 02.22.03

State Og: This Text is Pretty Big, and Dark

People have been asking how State Og manages to update every single Saturday like clockwork, bringing pain and suffering into your lives almost as efficiently as the eerily muppet-like Dr. Phil. What's our secret? A dash - just a dash! - of oregano. Thanks go out to Ian "Kill Maestro" Hill (Mission Hill), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (The City), Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (Leprauchpolis), Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (New New York City), Matt "Krang" Eckert (SeaLab), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (Satellite Of Love).

Memo: For Internal Use Only!

Memo: To all employees
CC: Anyone we forgot

Please be advised of the recall of one of our newest products, the "spring-in-a-box" which was due to be one of the top childrens' toys for 2003. This is an embarrassment for the company, as you may remember it was recently rebranded after finding our new "Jack-in-the-box" toy did not contain a "Jack" and had to be recalled. Please note that it is being rebranded once more as "box", a post-modern take on the classic toy. The child can expect to find inside an enjoyable essay on existentialism which pops up after winding the handle explaining why Jack isn't there. Should the managers amongst you encounter any complaints from customers, please advise at least one staff member to come to work wearing a beret so we look like clever artists and not a company that managed to lose its spring factory in a swamp.

In a related matter, please be advised that the memorial service for those who died inside the spring factory as it sunk into the bog will be held next Wednesday. Floral wreaths have been placed at the site of the sinking, but please note those have also sunk and no more should be laid since one employee also managed to lose his shoes to the bog and had to walk home with plastic bags on his feet. Our thoughts are with the family of the site manager, who bravely "went down with the ship" as it were, not unlike the old sailor in "Titanic". On the bright side, FOX has registered interest in making a made-for-TV drama on the story, showing that there is a silver-lining to any, er, murderous voodoo swamp.

A Guide To Growing Up

Does your child struggle with math or reading? Does he or she have trouble with common everyday tasks? If so, then your child may have down's syndrome and you should look into that. Otherwise, we present to you "How To: A Guide to Growing Up", a book filled with common problems that children encounter in their lives and ways to deal with them. With this book your child will learn:

How to open those pesky childproof caps
How to use rat poison
Mountaineering
How to palm things
How to get out of a car seat
Bribery
Evasive driving
How to accept their limitations
Shark hunting
And many other skills

Each topic is well illustrated and written by professionals in that particular area. This book has already stirred up the critics and even received mention from district attorneys from 41 states. We hope "How To: A Guide to Growing Up" becomes an invaluable addition to your library. In fact, we demand that it does.

State Og Mailbag

We recently got a letter from a Mrs. June Tollison, asking an important question.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am seriously disturbed by many of the articles published by your organization. I religiously read the State Og news releases and perhaps the most disconcerting thing is how often I find that many of your articles are nothing more than ghastly reports of violence against the homeless. Please bring an end to these purposeless acts of violence against the less fortunate.

June Tollison
Daggerfall, Oregon

Of course, we have a response.

June-baby,

Regarding your letter, I’m confused. You criticize our charitable work with the homeless and you say you’ve read many of our articles? I don’t mean to call you a liar, but for someone who claims to be a well read on our news releases, particularly the ones about brutalizing the poor, you somehow missed the ones about brutalizing people who write in to us. Consider this letter a warning: we are giving you a five-hour head start.

Love,
State Og

P.S.: Oh yeah, I forgot to say that the countdown on that five hours starts as soon as we drop this letter off at the post office, not when you receive it.

Daryl Strawberry In Your Home

Ladies, is the hectic schedule of staying home and raising the kids while your man goes out and does the real work too much for you? Wouldn't it be nice to simplify your daily tasks so you have more time to practice feminine arts like pie baking or erotic massage?

Thanks to State Og and Daryl Strawberry, two critical parts of your daily life have collided in a glorious orgy of technology and washed up sports figures! Available in stores nationwide, the Daryl Strawberry GrillBee combines the tasks of hair cutting and grilling into one easy to use device! Never again will you waste time trying to get your hair cut while cooking up a juicy steak. Simply attach the GrillBee to any standard vacuum cleaner, feed raw meat into the intake and then apply it to your head. It's just that simple! The gentle suction of the GrillBee will cut / rip / shred the hair right off your scalp, giving you an elegant coif. At the same time your meal sizzles away in the GrillBee's innards, collecting only a minimal amount of hair clippings. When the food is done, it's fired into the dust collection bag for easy retrieval. In no time at all you'll be sitting down to a perfectly cooked meal looking like Jackie O!

What differentiates the GrillBee from other hair clipping / food grilling combos is the patented grease collection tray. As your dish cooks, the unbelievable quantities of fat that gush forth are channeled directly onto your head for that slick modern look. You'll save hundreds of Mexican dollars in hair styling products, and cut an almost retarded number of calories out of your diet!

Don't take it from us, take it from Daryl Strawberry:

"The Daryl Strawberry GrillBee is the best thing to happen since drugs! Cut the fat while you cut your hair! Order today and I get to keep all my toes!"

State Og Job Application

Bored of your mundane and ridiculously boring life? Have you ever wanted a job here at State Og? Well now the public can try out for a position by sending us a completed aplication form! Just answer the three simple questions below and send it in, and we will contact you if you are eligible for an interview with our company.

Question 1: How susceptable are you to being frozen to the spot, i.e. unable to run, when faced with a life threatening situation?

A. Very susceptable.
B. Mildly susceptable.
C. Always unable to run (handicapped, etc.).
D. Other.

Question 2: If you were in a room with a live bomb and ten other innocent people, how would you go about the situation?

A. Panic incoherently.
B. Save everyone by covering the bomb with your body.
C. Try to diffuse the bomb without prior knowledge of bombs.
D. Other.

Question 3: Have you ever accidentally killed someone?

A. Yes, I have killed no less than 100 people accidentally.
B. Yes, I have killed less than 100 but no less than 50 people accidentally.
C. Yes, I have killed less than 50 people accidentally.
D. Other.

And that’s all we need to know! Just print out this form, circle the answers that best apply to you, and mail it to us. Thanks for taking the time to apply for a chance to begin your adventure here at State Og.

Presenting the NTV: No Terrain Vehicle

The public hasn't heard from our Automotive Division in quite a long time, and for good reason. Due to a typo in one of our office memos, we mistakenly had their headquarters filled with cement instead of the desired target: the headquarters of the Memo Spellchecker Division. When we realized what happened a few months later, we laughed and laughed. Wiping the tears of laughter from our eyes, we hired an all new staff and built the new headquarters directly on top of the previous and surely haunted location. After months of hard work and several instances of employees being plucked from hallways and pulled screaming into the netherworld, the fruits of their labor are now ready to be unveiled.

State Og proudly presents the No Terrain Vehicle: a hybrid between an ATV, Sport Utility Vehicle, and the classic - and highly combustible - Pinto. Incapable of traversing even the straightest and most gentle roads, this marvel of modern design is truly marvelous and designed. The money you'll save from not buying gas alone will pay for the dinner you are obligated by contract to purchase for the Automotive Division (preferably someplace which is classy but allows guests to dine naked and scream racial slurs).

Before you sign your soul over to us for this exciting vehicle, let's take a look at the amazing features you'll be getting!

Unpredict-a-Seat - An ejection seat which is activated at entirely random - and fun! - intervals. Unfortunately, a breakaway roof was not implemented in the current model, so the passenger / driver will be thrust at six hundred miles an hour directly into the solid lead roof of the NTV.
Revolutionary Shock System - The NTV is guaranteed to tip over more than any other vehicle on the market. We've even discovered a way to make it flip when people attempt to enter and exit, giving you maximum instability for your dollar.
Hermetically Sealed Air Conditioning System - Tired of your car not reaching the desired temperature because of precious air escaping out the window? With no working windows to speak of, the NTV could have rested on its laurels and considered itself a success. But no, we went the extra step and implemented a system which creates a perfect vacuum in the cabin of your car, ensuring that no air will exist in your vehicle at all.

And here are some extra features which only come at great additional cost:

Keys
Vehicle arriving fully assembled

So get out there and buy your No Terrain Vehicle today! Our motto: If you somehow make it past your driveway, sulfuric acid will rain horrible death upon you from the overhead light!

- State Og Representative