State Og Update: 06.04.05

State Og

State Og is an exciting venture capital opportunity for mini golf enthusiasts. Come by for a free round of golf, all we ask in return is that you sit alone in the ball storage room for seven hours. Special thanks this week go to: Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell, Matt "Coco13" Rock, and Elijah "Like The Wood" Bagdonas.

OGX

After recently getting a chance to use Apple's operating system OSX for the first time, our R&D department found plenty to like. Elegant, unobtrusive, versatile, it was a thing of beauty. It led them to wonder, though, could they make a thing that was beautier?

The answer, my friends, is yes. Taking the best parts of OSX and supercharging them, our boys have put together the most powerful operating system unleashed upon mankind: OGX.

Whereas Apple's approach was to be unobtrusive but usable, we went for "where the fuck is it?". Chances are you'll never see OGX in action. It's that good. Versatility? How about the fact that you don't even need a computer to run the operating system. Once purchased, the software in the box will turn into vapors (we coined the term "vaporware" since it redefines software as we know it) and travel into your sinus cavities before ultimately settling in your brain.

Just imagine: you're laying there thinking "I want ice cream", and before you know it you're projecting a mental image of ice cream right there in your head! Now that's power! Depending on whether your motivation levels are high enough, you might even get up and eat ice cream. IN REAL LIFE.

We haven't even touched on OGX's robust energy dispersement system, which regulates your body's temperature and makes it sweat or put on a blanket depending on its findings.

Old People Are Inherently A Safe Business Venture

Hey there you youngsters, it's your old Uncle Ernester. I've been complaining for almost 22 years to bring you whippersnappers some good ol' fashioned nursing house gum! Oh, you kids with your chocolate, and hard suck candies, and gums. Well, I'm here with the rest of the One Foot In residential community to bring you some real gum. Flavors like applesauce, medicine, and puddin'. Who doesn't love a good puddin? Why, I'll tell you who. Eddie Jones, across the hall in room 26B. Often times I'll see him just looking at where his puddin' is for hours on end. Not movin' a muscle or nothin! Must be sleepin with his eyes open, been like that for the last four, five weeks now I'd say.

He don't like puddin', but there's always sarsaparilla-flavored gum. That takes me back to a time when cowboys roamed the earth riding antelope for the sadistic pleasure of J.P. Morgan. I tell you, what a businessman that Morgan. He could knit like nobody's business, your grandmother.

So you get yourself some old people gum. Who doesn't want to feel the sweet embrace of death?

Didn't Do It

Does your child suffer from Enuresis? Recent studies have shown that chronic bedwetting has been on the rise by children between the ages of 4 and 23. The scientists and janitors from State Og's own medical and biological warfare research facilities have the solution for you, so no longer does your child need to suffer the ridicule and embarrassment of nocturnal urination. The new I-didn't-do-it automated bedwetting system with fresh urine scent will keep your child's confidence and self-esteem at a new high. This fantastic new system works by slowly releasing a urine-like liquid through special porous mattresses while your child sleeps. Your child will wake to the soothing warmth and familiar smell of fresh urine on the mattress each morning with a smile, knowing full well the mattress is to blame. See for yourself how the new I-didn't-do-it automated bedwetting system with fresh urine scent can change your child's life. Your satisfaction is guaranteed.