State Og Update: 03.05.05

State Og

Our board of directors like to follow what they call "current human events" in an effort to keep the company in touch with young potential customers. To be certain they don't latch onto the wrong end of a passing fad, they must be absolutely sure that they don't take action too soon. After considering the matter since the 1960's, the board has declared that the British Invasion is "neat" as the kids say. Effective immmediately, all employees must wear their hair in a bowl-cut style and report to their nearest Amphibious Personnel Carrier for our upcoming assault on the United States' coastline. Special thanks this week go to: Brett "Nimmo" Hurban, Don "Motorcycle" Jolly, and Matt "Coco13" Rock.

Function and Beauty: The Perfect Chandelier

Do you have money to burn and like to spend it on things that let everybody know how comfortably wealthy you are? Are you a middle class family trying to look upper middle class? Then chances are that you have at least one chandelier hanging in your house. You may even have a viewing window so that passer-bys can adore your style as they commute past your house on their way to work.

The main problem with chandeliers is that they require some maintenance to keep looking pretty. The lights can go out, and the chandelier can also gather dust and spider webs. Nothing will lower your status in the community faster than a guest looking up at your decoration and seeing it neglected. There is no greater sin than defiling a good chandelier. Your guest will be disgusted with your laziness.

A chandelier is certainly a great responsibility. Or at least it was until now. State Og has come to your aid and created a nearly self-sufficient chandelier. No longer do you have to worry about dust and spiders. Once a State Og Chandelier is installed it's weight is recorded in its memory. If this weight is ever becomes a few grams higher than the original weight, the chandelier will heat up, much like a self-cleaning oven. This process will bring the room up to about 200 degrees Farenheit, and the area around the chandelier itself to around 400, burning the unwanted dust and spiders into nothing.

But the real convenience comes from our bulb replacement procedure. Dust and spiders might be unsightly, but not nearly as obvious as a burnt out bulb. That's why when a bulb goes out on a State Og Chandelier, the chandelier immediately comes crashing down, often with only slightly fatal results. The chandelier will stay hanging one foot from the ground until the bulb is replaced. Once it has been replaced the chandelier will slowly rise back into position while harps and trumpets play, in a grand ceremony worthy of only God and your chandelier.

Employee Survey

As part of our company revitalization efforts for 2005, we have compiled the following employee care questionnaire. All employees should complete it to the best of their ability and return it to us within the hour. Not meeting this deadline will result in the loss of certain privileges, such as the privilege to breath without a plastic bag tied around your head. Have fun!

Section 1

Answer each question with a number from 1 to 10, with one being “Somewhat Agree” and 10 being “Strongly Agree.”

1. I enjoy working for State Og.

2. I find my bosses handsome, benevolent and unbelievably potent in the sexual area.

3. I would not mind being paid in multi-colored State Og “Fun Money,” which can only be spent at the Ogland theme park due for completion in 2012.

4. I have a very small penis, incapable of satisfying any woman.

5. I invite my boss to take pictures of it, and post it on the internet.

6. I don't mind when my boss masturbates in front of me.

7. I don't mind when my boss ejaculates on my good shoes.

Section 2

Answer T for true or F for false.

8. I would like to have gills.

9. I would give permission to my superiors to install gills in my body and sell my lung on the black market.

10. I would be cool with it if, hypothetically, this had already happened.

Section 3

Choose your own adventure!

1 – You are standing in the human resources department. Your best friend, Jason asks you to go to haunted carnival! What do you do?

Go to 2 if you want to go to the haunted carnival!

Go to 3 if you want to propose marriage to Jason.

Go to 4 if you wish to enter the human resources department.

2 – Leaving the grounds during working hours? Not so fast, Speedy Gonzalez! We deport you and your entire family, except for your mom – who we can all agree is a great piece of ass. The end.

3 – Jason reveals that he loves State Og and its products, and he knows that the company is your one true love – you can never leave it. An HR assistant appears and makes an honest woman of you with his throbbing darkness. The end.

4 – You're fired. Clean out your desk, and cut off your hands.

Thanks for your time and dedication! With your help, we may finally pass the “hump” and get our employee satisfaction threshold over that tricky -34%.

Thanks again,

Your HR Crew

State Og News: Your Official News Source

State Og is proud to announce that it has gained a 12-year, multi-cheeseburger deal for exclusive rights to be the best source for all events in the world. How could we accomplish this? Because we're the only source for all things in the world, with extra bacon.

Thanks to an agreement reached with every person in the world in over 100% of the world's countries, State Og News is now the only place to learn about things that happen. Things that happened. Things that have happened. Things that will have happened. Things that plurperfectly happened. State Og is everywhere, except when we're on break. You'll still be able to get in contact with us, but we'll be slightly more relaxed, and will probably be listening to some light jazz. Will that hurt our ratings on the coast? Perhaps, but in our brave new dynamic that's the risk we're willing to take.

Soon, our team of good-natured, attractive people in suits will banter their way onto your television sets, where they will stay for the rest of eternity. News, weather, demons, and sports will be just some of the things we can think of covering right away.

Careers: Mom Says You Need One

Hey there all you college people! I want everyone who has a major decided to step forward.

Oh! Not so fast. Think you have your life decided already? Well, sadly, life is a lot like a man beating you mercilessly with your own kitchen table: things happen that you don't quite plan on. While kitchen tables aren't easy to come by, having your spirit broken by a guidance counselor isn't as easy. What to do when your life goal is unattainable, and you don't have any sleeping pills? Don't worry any more. State OG is proud to bring you this major guideline to choosing a major! If you're unsure of your qualifications, simply ask yourself, "Can I do this?" Then wonder what this is, and then take a nap. When you wake up, read this handy career selection guide, and good luck on finals! Or cheat.

Math: Making both " { " and " } " freehand.
Nuclear Engineering: Have really frizzy hair.
African-American Studies: Who had a dream?
Anthropology: Bring your own shovel.
History: When making polite conversation, how quickly can you point out similarities in their life to a Portugese king?
English: Remember that one scene in Pulp Fiction where Samuel L. Jackson's character yells, "English motherfucker, do you speak it?" Where is the verb in that sentence?
Linguistics: Remember that one scene in Pulp Fiction where Samuel L. Jackson's character yells, "English motherfucker, do you speak it?" Does the character speak English?
Psychology: Remember that one scene in Pulp Fiction where Samuel L. Jackson's character yells, "English motherfucker, do you speak it?" Which stage of Maslov's hierarchy is Jules in?
Geography: Using this ruler, point to the map. Now point to another place on the map. What planet are these two spots on?
Legal Studies: What's the difference between Law and Order, Law and Order SVU, and Law and Order Criminal Intent?

Between one of these, you should be able to find something new to fail at!