State Og Update: 02.19.05

State Og

One of the great things about working at State Og is the unpredictablility of the workplace. When I come into the office, will the autonomous doors in the entranceway choose to open for me? If they do open, will they wait until I set step into the doorway and then bat me back outside and into the traffic of the parking lot? Why do we have autonomous doors? It's all very exciting. Special thanks this week go to: Don "Motorcycle" Jolly, Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson and Nick "Loden Taylor" McDermott.

Important Recall Notice

State Og, in compliance with federal regulation, has officially issued a “recall” for the following products, which were deemed unsafe after rigorous public and private testing. We apologize for any inconvenience to you, the consumer, produced by this recall. The products in question are as follows :

State Og's “Box of Sharp Things” (Both Original and Rusty Flavor) - This fine product has been recalled because some tests indicate that certain parts of the kit may be sharp.

The “Kid's Patrol” Tiny Revolver - Recalled because of toxic paint on the patented “really small handle.”

All “Kid's Patrol” “Ammo Packs” (Such as “lil' Armor Piercing” and “Mommy Manglers.”) - Recalled because of offensiveness complaints from pro-Armadillo and motherhood activists.

State Og's “Box That Explodes When You Open It.” - Recalled because of fire hazards created by opening the box in a shanty town.

State Og's Candy Saw - Recalled because it was found to be a real circular saw, but painted red.

The State Og Fun Slide - Recalled because of allegations that the containers in which the “fun slide” shipped have been reported to contain only the semen filled bodies of dead hobos.

The State Og Dead Hobo Collectible Doll - Recalled because of complaints that the container in which the doll shipped has been reported to contain a small red and yellow slide which is, by all accounts, fun.

We apologize again for any inconvenience. If you own any of these products and would like to send it back to us for repair or a refund, please feel free to e-mail us your mother's name and address so that we can deploy a crack customer service team to rape the old bag in her sleep.

Thanks again,

State Og Quality Control

The End Of An Era

State Og is sad to announce the end of our economy airline service, which was well known for having the least expensive fares in the industry and its popular slogan of “Get to your destination in style: paratrooper style!” Unfortunately, our airline was unable to deliver our passengers - via parachute - precisely to their planned destination, except maybe for a few that might have planned on ending up in the intakes of our jet engines. State Og expresses remorse to the families of those who didn't survive the jump from one of our airlines and if they will sign a waiver absolving us of all responsibility, we will aid them in recovering the remains of their loved ones by giving them a plastic bag, a squeegee and a map showing them the junkyard where we deposited the broken and plugged up jet engines.

Cease Your Endless Petty Disputes, You Maggots!

We've all been there before. You wake up on Monday, quickly get dressed, and go to work still hung over from the weekend. Already not in the best of moods, your short temper gets even shorter when you encounter your office rival. A few pointed remarks later and the two of you are wrestling on the floor, trying to stab each other in the face with letter openers. The contest of strength is brief but furious as your co-corkers form a loose ring around you and begin making bets on the outcome. After you win and stand astride the corpse of your rival, you realize that unless you flee your office now, you stand a good chance at being arrested, convicted, and repeatedly raped in prison.

Let's face it; everyday conflict is a fact of life. It need not devolve into a bloody and regretful incident, however. As intelligent people, two disputants have the ability to discuss and resolve problems peacefully and rationally – especially if they have both attended one of State Og's Conflict Mediation seminars.

By attending one of our Conflict Mediation seminars, you will learn the fine art of peaceful conflict resolution. Our highly trained staff will take you step-by-step through such useful mediation tools as “I Language,” in which a person makes their feelings and thoughts clear to another person by using a series of “I” statements. Note the following basic template:

“I, [name], feel [emotion] when you [action]. I would like you to please [action that would preclude conflict in the future].”

Now, for example, let's imagine Joe is having problems with his co-worker Ed. How might he use “I Language” to make his feelings understood? He might say something like this:

“I, Joe, feel like strangling the fuck out of you when you use the last bit of creamer and then put the empty bottle back in the break room fridge. I would like you to please bend over so that I may put my fist up your rear and pull your head out your own ass.”

Attendees will learn to resolve not only their own conflicts, but the conflicts of others as well. The following example is a script of one of the many role-playing activities we engage in to make people more proficient at the language of mediation.

STEP I: Introduce yourself to feuding parties.

MEDIATOR: Hello. My name is [name]. May I be of assistance?

DISPUTANTS: Yes.

STEP II: Have each party explain the problem, and then repeat it back to them for confirmation.

MEDIATOR: What seems to be the problem?
DISPUTANT 1: I was trying to pick up this pen I dropped, but when I reached over, this guy started hitting me!

MEDIATOR: So he attacked you?

DISPUTANT 1: Yes!

MEDIATOR: [to DISPUTANT 2] What do you have to say to that?

DISPUTANT 2: I didn't attack him! I was just trying to kill a bee that had landed on his back while he was bent over!

MEDIATOR: I see. So you were trying to help him?

DISPUTANT 2: Yes!

STEP III: Try to reach a compromise to resolve the conflict.

MEDIATOR: All right, let's cut the bullshit, okay? Admit it, you were going for his penis.

DISPUTANT 1: What?

MEDIATOR: Don't deny it, cock-smoker. You wanted to suck some of that, and he got scared because he saw your huge horse teeth. Christ, man, go to a dentist. Get those damn things filed down.

DISPUTANT 1: Hey!

MEDIATOR: And you. You want what he's got to offer, but you get scared at the prospect of any teeth at all on your precious, three-inch member. Come on, stop being such a little bitch and take it like a man.

DISPUTANT 2: I don't know what the hell you're talking about, and furthermore…

STEP IV: Threaten violence

MEDIATOR: [produce firearm] Now, you. You're going to get on your knees and start sucking. And you, there. You're going to like it. Understand? All right. Yeah, that's it. Keep going. Yeah.

STEP V: Record the incident on video and upload it to State Og's commercial gay pornography website, “OGle.”

Clearly, you can't afford not to take part in this highly educational seminar. For more information, call our toll free number at 1-800-STATE-OG (1-800-782-8364) or contact us telepathically via our mind-reading satellites by thinking about bunnies and turtles three times quickly in succession, followed by a long internal howl of “OG.”