LOTS OF DOGS
LARGE CUBE OF DOGS. I have over 160 canines stacked and arranged in a very specific way so as to all fit in a single room. Buyer must purchase and move entire collection and room. No exceptions. $3,000,000. 555-4218
MULTITUDES OF DOGS
DREAM DOG SOUGHT: had dream where dog stood on polygonal plane in front of pyramid surrounded by pillars of neon light and barked strange symbols. Think dog may have had tank treads instead of legs. 555-7802
LEGIONS OF DOGS
D-76 HELLHOUND ANTIAIRCRAFT DOG. Side-mounted missile batteries allow dog to rapidly unleash 12 laser-guided missiles at enemy targets. Built-in radar capable of detecting most aircraft. $750k. 555-1023
PLURALITY OF DOGS
GRAVITATIONALLY STRONG DOG: large dog has 9 smaller dogs locked in constant elliptical orbit. Witness the exotic beauty of the cosmos dance before your eyes. Closest one has decaying orbit, so watch out. $650. 555-2321
HEAPS OF DOGS
SWOOP SWOOP! Helicopter dog features real set of rotor blades on rig extending from back. Capable of flight. A slight side effect is that he's also capable of accidental decapitations when he gets excited and comes flying at you. 555-0522
SWARMS OF DOGS
FOR SALE: TWO GREYHOUNDS. Dogs are not capable of running anymore after I tried experiment of tethering them to a racehorse in hopes of inventing real life podracing. Horse was too fast and dogs couldn't keep up, but couldn't stop either. Call for price. 555-8230
OODLES OF DOGS
AFTER 11 PROFOUND YEARS of loving friendship, my dog Gustavo is leaving me. He has insisted I write this ad, as he would like to live with somebody "who listens and truly hears." I don't know why he is doing this to me. Please forgive my crying when you call. 555-2589
HORDES OF DOGS
DUCK-HERDING DOG is out of control. Every day she herds more and more ducks into my yard, such that I am now trapped inside. Ducks are angry and won't stop quacking. Running out of food. Please take dog, please. 555-2388
GOBS OF DOGS
FOR SALE: ONE CORNDOG. I'm a simple farmer and this "corndog" was not at all what I expected. You damn city folk have swindled me again. Make an offer, damnit. I ain't got all day. 555-0429
LOTS OF GODS
PANTHEON OF GODS. Have gods of agriculture, swamps and creeks, haberdashery and parties. Selling entire lot together, so don't even try to split 'em up. Pantheon sold separately. Need to make room for One True God. 555-9237
CHILDREN FOR SALE
DEMONIC CHILD has the power to make pets commit suicide. Caused cat to gorge herself to death on own hair, and our beloved dog to bury himself alive. Otherwise very friendly, gets good grades. Great for pet-free home. 555-9528
Exotic Pets For Sale!
SUPERB OWL acquired two days ago due to a misprinted party invitation. Tried one wing with buffalo sauce; meaty but too gamy. 555-4682
LOTS OF STUFF
FREE SUBMARINE! Kid-sized submarine opens doorway to amazing adventures. Don't tell your kids it's just a barrel with a window on it-- they won't know the difference! Works great in lakes, rivers, oceans, etc. Has hook for tying rope to so you don't lose it. 555-8288
PANTHEONS OF GODS
HORRIBLE JERK GOD won't let me shave my beard. It's gotten so long I'm tripping over the damn thing. I can't even groom or make it more manageable. Will trade my beard-nazi god for one who appreciates a clean shave or maybe even provides free laser-hair removal. 555-2911
ROOMS FOR RENT
CARNIVAL FUNHOUSE been nigh on 30 years since the carnival closed. Mirror maze available to tenant with strong constitution. Lots of wasps swarming in there and it's hard to tell which ones are real and which ones are reflections. $1200/month for unit pending thorough credit check. 555-9239
MOUNDS OF DOGS
FOR SALE: DOG PIÑATA. Kleptomaniac dog ate all my candy, then promptly expired. Need to recoup my investment, so please buy him as is, filled with over three pounds of mixed candies. 555-1162
ROOMS FOR RENT II: THE RENTENING
LIVE THE HIGH LIFE! Luxurious apartment, plenty of space, amazing in every way except for one tiny flaw: it is a second-story unit and there is no floor. Don't ask, just rent. 555-2983
SCORES OF DOGS
WHISTLING DOG - carries a tune with perfect pitch and sits there endlessly staring, endlessly whistling "the Farmer in the Dell," endlessly staring, never breaking eye contact, just whistles, just stares, whistles, stares. 555-7255
SCADS OF DOGS
GENUINE DOG EGGS are yours for the low price of $50 each. Put 'em in your incubator and watch adorable puppies pop out. Not my fault if they look like lizards. 555-8257
THRONGS OF DOGS
UNBELIEVABLE DEAL! This rare set of Russian nesting dogs is a sight to behold, delivering hours of joy as you find increasingly smaller dogs inside each other. Call for OUTRAGEOUS quote. 555-1124
PLENTY OF DOGS
GONADS GALORE - this pooch is 90% gonads, 10% dog. Not the best ratio for a family with small children who ask a lot of questions. Perfect for you? Let’s talk gonads. 555-9231
REAMS OF DOGS
URGENT PROCLAMATION: Let it be known I have cut all ties with my former mastiff companion, Arsenio. He has wronged me and will henceforth wander the streets a vagrant. Do not aid or comfort him. He is cast out from the kingdom of man. 555-9123
SLEW OF DOGS
TRANSPLANT RECIPIENT - this dog is a miracle, having been saved through an experimental transplant. He now has one of those bright red baboon butts and he loves to show it off. 555-9199
BUNCH OF DOGS
WHEEZING WHIPPETS What we have is 7 genuine whippet dogs, all dangerously out of breath from me chasing them around the Wal-Mart parking lot with a chainsaw. A mere $50 apiece. 555-1239
ABUNDANCE OF DOGS
SUPPRESSIVE DOG is overburdened with body thetans and refuses to cooperate with my attempts to audit him. I have no choice but to disconnect from him and adopt a better dog. 555-1294
HERD OF DOGS
RETIRED BLOODHOUND is docile and intelligent, but still determined to catch the serial murderer who got away. If he picks up the scent, just roll with it. 555-8172
MENAGERIE OF DOGS
TECHNICALLY A DOG - I have expertly subdivided a horse to create what is, scientifically speaking, a dog. I have done this 10 times before and plan to keep doing it forever!!! $400. 555-2466
CASCADES OF DOGS
VILE RASPUTIN-LIKE PUG - Gnarly facial hair and long nails that drag across the floor. Ceaseless wet cough. Glass-eyed gaze. Menacing giggle. Ideal for advanced owners only.
PACK OF DOGS
FULLY SPOTTED DOG - My attempts to remove the spots from a Dalmatian completely backfired, and now I have a useless dog that is all spots and nothing else.
AMPLITUDES OF DOGS
YOUNG AND USELESS - Meek dog lacks the age and experience necessary for the grim task at hand. Will trade for a dog unshackled from morality, and willing to do what needs to be done. 555-1299
DROVES OF DOGS
COLORFUL TUBED DOG - Our morbidly obese bulldog Windsor got stuck in one of those colorful obstacle course tubes. It's already grafted to her skin. Tube is about 10 feet long and neon orange. Put food in front end of tube, shake out other end over dumpster. 555-3318
FLOCK OF DOGS
RETIRED HAMHOUND – German bred and trained, skilled at tracking lost or stolen hams, cooked, frozen or in between. Has saved many holiday meals and aided police in countless cases. Gentle, friendly, healthy and professional. Comes with many civic awards. 555-9285
TONS OF DOGS
SLED DOG TEAM plucked from the arctic. These experienced and tireless dogs pull me around town in a shopping cart, which is apparently illegal. Trading entire bundle for a gently used van. 555-1924
BEVY of DOGS
BACK FROM THE GRAVE – We've been trying to bury our dog ever since it ate all of grandma's ashes. Now it's back, and barks and growls just like grandma did. Please buy this dog and kill it for good. $250 555-2515
SEA OF DOGS
EXCITING PUP-ORTUNITY – we have puppies galore, all needing homes. They just keep spilling out, with no end in sight. Hundreds to choose from, in all manner of repair. Claim yours! 555-2915
GLUT OF DOGS
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
LOADS OF DOGS
REFORMED HOG - Former member of the swine family, has now agreed to behave like a proper dog. Free to patient home willing to overlook physical defects. 555-2519
AGGREGATION OF DOGS
DOPPELGANGER NEEDED - To minimize stress to my dog, I'm looking for somebody who is identical to me to take over ownership. Must also be able to fool my wife. Call to set up interview. 555-8252
ROOMS FOR RENT III
TREEHOUSE FOR RENT with wonderful, unavoidable views of my bedroom window, where I prance around fully nude. Ideal tenant is beautiful woman attracted to plus-sized men. $250/month. 555-7262
CRUSH OF DOGS
FREE HUSKY DOG - Not to be confused with "Siberian Husky." This overweight Corgi is too embarrassing to take out in public. No longer fits in any of the expensive sweaters I purchased for him. Sweaters not included. 555-8092
WAVES OF DOGS
THE ELUSIVE DOG - I have only seen him twice in the past year. I don't remember much about him, but I think he's brown and white. Would love to trade for a more ambient dog. 555-7625
