Transformers

The first level boss, which obviously has a lot to do with Transformers.Game Plot: Upon loading the game you will see a black screen and hear some stupid music that I never, ever heard while watching the "Transformers" cartoon. Shortly after this, some blue / red / gray Japanese letters will float across the screen. If you decide to press start here (which I suggest you don't), a Transformer's head appears and three stupid balls fly at it. Get used to seeing these balls. The next thing you will see is enough to cause everybody within a 50-foot radius to go into uncontrollable epileptic seizures: a poorly drawn Transformer floats against a screen that flashes rapidly between neon red and cyan. After this ordeal, you will notice there is absolutely no story or plot, simply a message telling you that you are entering stage 1 and have two lives remaining. You will see so many enemies that have no connection whatsoever to Transformers, and the terrains you cross will bewilder your mind. You will most likely think what I naturally assumed, which is that the big stupid Transformer you are playing as has been abducted and taken to Area-51, where he has become a test subject thrown into mutant terrains with strange, alien enemies that bounce around like hyperactive children and shoot balls of death.

Weapons: In your regular form, you shoot blue balls. Why? This cannot be explained logically, as Transformers never shot blue balls. Lasers and stuff yes, but never blue balls. If you accidentally shoot some random part of the level, sometimes little winged "S," "D," and "F" blocks come up and cause you to get special super powerups. For example, you can sometimes shoot two blue balls instead of one! I think they stole some of these concepts from Karnov, because it had the exact same concept, only less crappy. 

As you progress through the game, you are likely to press the down directional key in a futile attempt to duck. This complex key combination has the magical power to cause the stupid looking Transformer to become a stupid looking firetruck! The firetruck has two very special abilities; the first one is the ability to shoot the exact same blue balls you shot during your normal form, and the second ability is to spray water-plasma-goo stuff from your firetruck's hose. Most likely you will be annoyed by the fact that you cannot jump as the truck, so you will probably just stay in your normal, useless form, instead of the even more useless firetruck form.

Enemies: The only enemy that you will encounter in this game that has anything to do with Transformers will be an airplane that flies and sometimes transforms into a robot. There is also the little bird thing that flew off that big Transformer's shoulder. When you shoot the bird thing, it becomes a tape just like in the cartoon! I was amazed they managed to get that part right. Too bad it doesn't even remotely resemble a bird, as I thought it was a flying demon or something at first. Other than that, you will be faced with obnoxious little tanks, bouncing fireballs, mountains erupting strange fluids on some unknown planet, little bouncing spike things, and lame turrets that shoot the same balls that you do. All of these further enhance the game's already awesome plot!

Okay?!?Number of Levels: 9(+) really short and pointless levels. You are probably asking what is the "+" for. Well, upon reaching level 9, you are likely to notice that after you complete the level it restarts again. And again. And again. I couldn't figure out what was going on here, so I tried a number of different things, such as clearing the level of all enemies before exiting, but nothing fixed this bug. I soon realized that I didn't care what was after level 9, so I gave up. Such little design glitches made playing this game even more fun!

Number of Bosses: 8(+) possibly. Well, the only place to see anything that even remotely resembled the bad guys from Transformers was at the end of the levels. The first and second level end guys were stupid circle things with flashing ovals in their centers. But after that mess you fight many things that looked like they were possibly from Transformers. You fight giant robot heads and giant robot bodies. They all have lame glowing things that are the center of their life force and their only weak points. When you battle most of the end guys, you have to jump across three platforms while trying to hit the obvious oval on the enemy's head and dodge its attacks (which usually consist shooting the stupid little balls that you shoot, only a different color). This made it exciting! My favorite boss was the one that had a flame thrower. Instead of shooting out flames though, it shot little balls of fire. I surely never expected that!

Defining Moment: Upon reaching level 9 I was brought to the disturbing reality that this was going to be another one of those games (like "Deadly Towers") that I could not beat. I tried everything that I possibly could think of to let me pass through this level, but nothing worked. It was just another waste of time. I spent a good hour on this one level, and considering the fact that it only takes about two minutes to beat each board, this is a lot of time. Time that could've been better spent NOT playing this game.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Hannya (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)