Kid Klown

At a Glance: I don't know much about clowns, so I just looked up information about Bigfoot and replaced a few words with "clowns". Here's what I came up with: "The modern clown phenomenon began in 1958 with reports of enormous clownprints in Humboldt County, Clownifornia. While most clown encounters are from the Pacific Northwest, similar encounters have been alleged from much of North Clownica. There are many earlier accounts of large, hairy, clownlike or "squeaky man" creatures (or reports of inexplicably large, clown-like footprints) from the Pacific Northwest, perhaps dating back to the late 18th clown; some clownsearchers have argued these accounts are clownsistent with more contemporary clownfoot reports. As clowned below, some of these early clowns are of doubtful clownicity, and clowns have clowned the clownacy of clownterpreting clown reports through modern preclownceptions." Clown.

Platform: NES (Download Emulator here - 192k)

Download: Download ROM here - 64k

Game Plot: Unable to attain the desperately needed skills of a creepy looking clown to open a mysterious vault, your dastardly foe "the Night Mayor" is forced to steal your creepy relatives. This part is easy, but he also has to make it seem like you would really want to save them, which is the hard part. And from one look at your family it's amazing you don't go down to the pizza place and play some Gauntlet instead.

Even though you have not reached full clown maturity you are forced to fight for various rights, one of which may or may not be to party. Using only your balloon skills you must crush your enemy with a deadly maelstrom of little giraffes and other anatomically incorrect balloon animals. But you are only a clown kid, new to the proud tradition of clowning. Therefore, you can only use the most basic of skills that the clowns possess: throwing red balloons, wearing really weird outfits, and standing around as you make babies cry.

And just like a clown, this game rolls around on the ground in laughter as you turn into a neurotic mess due to all the pleasant "surprises" the game pulls on you. Background images turn into enemies. Leaves fall off of vines that you were trying to climb. And puppies explode whenever you touch them. All of these begin to both happen to you in this game and outside of the game the more you play it.

Kid Klown is also a game that possesses the most annoying game pause music on this side of Screechtopolis. Be careful not to leave this game paused as you eat dinner with your family or your father will be sure to mention how you were adopted and used to be of opposite gender. The sound is such a mind-numbing repetition that you would swear these music loops are comprised of only high notes and the screams of Coulrophobia stricken children.

Enemies: Not only does your foe spend his time doing the world a civil service by locking away mutant clown families, The Night Mayor calls his villainous and often malformed henchmen to stop you. Even the mighty giant from the Jack and the Beanstalk legend wishes to end you by standing still and waving his club at you. This move is characteristic of the cyclops, a creature that barely has enough depth perception to mate.

Weapons: You basically only have your balloons. However there are some treasure chests that conceal special items, such as lightning that makes you invincible (like real life) or something that will reverse your controls. You can tell by the crazy music that plays that this is the case. This is just like the crazy music that plays in my head as my controls reverse and I stab my girlfriend. Well, she isn't my girlfriend she just happens to work at this place I go into all the time. I dress as kung-fu grip camouflage batman to impress her. (Mindy - I'll see you tomorrow as usual. I'll be the bush on the right.)

Levels: Six, not including the short intro. The makers of this game thought that, due to the high clown content, the players might be too happy. To remedy this, they included an ice level. But, not only does this ice level allow for the kind of control zaniness only found on ice, you are also forced to dodge ice lasers that shoot in from both sides as you try to travel down this tunnel. This is like watching "The Running Man" while wearing razorblade glasses and hearing a loop of Arnold SwartzenQuargel asking you to hack into the system. For all of those who won't get that last joke, here's a substitute joke: Why did the plane crash? It was because the pilot was a tomato.

Another painful level has you in a land comprised of birthday cakes and murderous typography. Not since you had that LSD-induced nightmare while falling asleep watching Sesame Street has your life been filled with such murderous learning.

After you complete all of these levels, you are told by your nefarious enemy that you must confront him at his castle. This castle is filled to the brim with enemies, harbors murderous clones of you, and shoots spears out from the walls. This is the domain of one man who just wanted a little help from a clown. Welcome to the home of Ted Nugent.

Number of Bosses: A boss waits for you at the end of each stage, waiting to be defeated with balloons and those little squeaky horns. To make sure the nightmare is complete all of the bosses explode, including an owl that erupts upon impact with your balloons. I find it ironic that parents complain about the lack of morals in showing a man shooting people in a video game, yet mention nothing about the kids who dress up as clowns and assault nocturnal animals with clown weaponry at night. I guess doing the former is "kind of crazy" and the last is something you'd save for sweeps.

Defining Moment: The one time where I was traveling through some woods and a giant clown appeared and attacked me and my friends. Then another clown appeared out of the woods behind us and bared its fangs. He sank them into me, and I managed to shake him off by pretending to be a mime. Unfortunately now, whenever the moon is full, I awake and find myself attracted to little cars and squeaky things. My feet become huge and I grow flowers on my chest. I have now become a wereclown.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Kevin "The Goblin" Wilson