Home Alone 2

At a Glance: Not satisfied with the plot used in the 1992 hit movie, THQ decided to craft their own expanded story. This makes complete and total sense since the retcon that can only be found in Home Alone: The Comic #1 which doesn't exist. If any of you have ever been alone and possibly in a house, read on and you might get some tips about dealing with fat men without shirts.

Platform: NES (Download Emulator here - 192k)

Download: Download ROM here - 64k

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Game Plot: You are Kevin Macallister, keeper of the sticky guns, the hands on the face kid. Your quest is to thwart thieves because the police seem to be too busy to bother. Most games are not as thievalicious as this one, making you wonder why police seem to have any trouble finding criminals when they pop out of the bushes every three seconds. In order to deal with how terrible Christmas with the family is, Kevin took his parents' credit cards, used them to get a luxurious room in a hotel, and then for some reason gets chased down by the hotel security. What bummers! Can't a kid use his father's stolen credit cards in peace? After being chased out for hotel-related shenanigans you run around the city of New York for a little bit. Easily getting bored of dodging deadly suitcases, you go straight into an abandoned building and then have a final showdown with Lord Dorkmus and Turkeyhead in a huge Christmas tree that has a terrifying face. I honestly cannot say if this is better or worse than the original movie.

Enemies: The collection of radioactive turtle-transforming ooze and leftover purple ghost slime must have permanently mutated the bodies and minds of New Yorkers in 1992. Malformed heads, high levels of baldness, and old ladies jumping back and forth are government common signs of a biohazard outbreak. Not only that, but the wackiness of your hijinks may have reached such high levels that the entire world of cleaning has been turned upside down! Brooms and vacuums wander around aimlessly in a bloodthirsty desire for Spic-n-Span.

Thanks to one single phone call by one of the thieves, the entirety of New York has come together to try and kill you. I mean, they have nothing better to do. To make things simple for someone wishing to play this game: everything that bothers to move in this game is an enemy. Not wanting to waste their money on anything besides moustache oil and banana guacamole, THQ didn't feel the need to program much variety, coherence into their enemies, anything that doesn't want to kill you, and any reason for thousands of disappointed kids to not carry out the murder of their parents when they come home with this title. You fight maids, hotel clerks, underground doves with twigs, bats, rats, thieves, pieces of dust falling from the ceiling, and probably a stone or two that has gained sentience - even that wants to kill you.

Weapons: Fist guns and pearl necklaces. In the hands of a child, nothing says innocence like fisting a guy with a gun. No doubt you get so excited that you find yourself dropping a pearl necklace all over the floor. Also take note that giving Kevin a little bell he can do a really crazy jump. This is no doubt a clue to the kind of brainwashing they had to use to convince the characters themselves to not up and revolt.

Levels: Just like the movie you begin in a hotel, move onto the streets, and eventually end up in an old house. Just like in the movies you have no clue why you're suffering through something so obviously evil. Each level sort of blends into the other in a manner that can only be replicated if you start chewing on tinfoil while dipping your head in bat blood. It's actually recommended in the strategy guide.

Bosses: There is only one boss, and he waits for you in the kitchen level - greased up and smelling of ham lotion. He hops back and forth, slowly taking off his shirt as you damage him. He throws something that looks like a pink egg, but it's hard to make it out when you're so busy staring at his heavenly body. There is nothing more terrifying than fat men who can barely contain their lust for little children by opening up their shirt whenever you touch them.

Defining Moment: When I was little I had a similar experience when thieves decided to rob a giant scrapbooking store. I used plungers and fought my enemies with little rolls of toilet paper and toothpaste. For defeating the crooks, I was given the key to the town by a large black man who was so friendly. My psychologist has recently told me that this is what we call a "defense mechanism" for the "child abuse" I went through and that I was really "locked into a bathroom for years."

Crap Jokes because this is a movie property game:

• This game makes me say AGGGGHHHHH!
• (puts hands on cheeks)!
• I'm home alone with the fun!
• I don't know about you, but I'm completely lost in adventure!
• This game is as amazing as Macaulay Culkin's career!

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Kevin "The Goblin" Wilson